HELPFUL TIPS ON HOW TO GET YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND RUNNING BACK

Breaking up sucks! Your relationship with the man you love has come and gone, but now you want him back. Some people will advise, just forget your ex and move on. But you can’t. He might resist, but it is be possible to make him love you again even more than the last time you were together. But that’s not always easy.  

Don’t beat yourself over it. No relationship is void of challenges or its fair share of differences of opinion. Everyone has flaws, weaknesses, and faults and equally react differently after a breakup. Sometimes, you just need to give the relationship one more chance. You just know deep in your heart that if only you could get another chance with your ex, things would work out better. You want to know whether it is possible to get him back when he has said that it was over between you. Yes, it is possible. It just might be the best risk you'll ever take! This hub is written to give you a lift and a boost of encouragement.

Review what caused the breakup

 Knowing what caused your breakup is important because it can give you an idea of where your relationship went wrong and how you can possibly correct it in the future. The important thing is to realize there were mistakes you made and you should endeavor not make them again. Your relationship can still be saved if you don’t repeat these mistakes again. The best thing you can do to repair the damage done is to follow these steps diligently. This hub will teach you how to start a new relationship with your ex; a relationship that actually has a chance of becoming a healthy relationship.

Chances are, you’ve already made a number of mistakes after the breakup before reading this hub. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. This hub is not referring to abusive relationships. There is a time when a girl must stand up, get away, and protect herself from harm.

Avoid contact        

As part of your healing, you need to stop all communication with your ex, directly or indirectly. There are so many ways to contact each other these days. You can call him on phone, text him, post update on your facebook account or his timeline, tweet him, or post pictures in instagram, etc.  Resist the urge. He will call you if he wants to talk. If he doesn't, nothing you say will change that. Sometimes, ignoring your ex makes him feel like you are perfectly doing well without him, which is the exact opposite of what he wants.

 After a reasonable time when you are no longer in a mess as you were after the breakup, you can contact him. Before then, you must have made a few positive changes in your life. When you see him again after the period of avoidance, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you’ve changed, which means that you would have used this period to make some actual changes in your life.

Focus on yourself

 Keep yourself constructively occupied. Throw yourself into work and other extracurricular activities, such as hanging out with your friends. Don't even look like you're dejected. Let him know you're moving on by going to the library and the gym. This will definitely make him think you are moving on with your life. You will feel stronger and more in control of your life. If you focus your attention on a new activity, you will have less time to miss your ex-boyfriend.      

Don’t put your self-worth, your happiness, your dreams and your entire life on the back `burner just so you could be with your ex. if you agree to be a doormat, your ex will keep you around to satisfy their emotional or sexual needs, but they won’t commit to you. Don’t try to use pity to get your Ex back. Pity doesn't work. No one wants to be with a sad person. If you want to get your ex back, you will have to learn to be happy. If nothing else, at least act like you are not miserable.

 Do something non-committal like have a drink with friends or play miniature golf. Don’t be seen flirting with other men. . Taking a break from relationships will not only show that you still have feelings for your ex, but it will also demonstrate maturity and lack of neediness. Some women believe that the best way to get their exes back is to flirt with other men while their ex is nearby thinking it will make him jealous and want them back. You don't need to sleep with them, but spending time with other men or women will let your ex know that you are on the prowl. , if you want to get your ex back, don’t act like you’re trying find another man to take home.

Consider your lifestyle

When you first fell in love with your partner, what about you did he love? Try to think back to when the two of you first got together. Was it your humor, or maybe your amazing sense of fashion? In giving, we receive. Did you neglect your look when you’d settled into your relationship? If you have changed for the worst, perhaps you've developed some bad habits or let your fears and worries get the best of you, this the time for you to be the person he fell in love with because he felt good with you and you were fulfilling their emotional needs. Correct bad habits and mistakes.

Pay attention to your appearance

Pay some attention to your appearance if you have been neglecting your looks. I highly recommend doing a closet overhaul. Get a few items of new clothing, alter your hairstyle. In fact, the key to a good wardrobe is not having more clothes, but having the right clothes. Get your nails and hair done. Take a nice warm bubble bath. The problem with comparing yourself with others is that there will always be people who are prettier than you, and there will always be people who are uglier than you. Your goal is not to look more beautiful than the next girl, but rather to look your best by taking care of yourself. Make yourself stand out and seem fresh from what your ex remembers of you. Make sure this change is subtle and not over the top.

Do not get jealous if he’s seeing other girls

The thought of your ex being with someone else could be frustrating, but even if he having fun with his life doesn’t necessarily mean he is over you. The truth could be that, your ex probably in a rebound relationship. And almost all of the rebound relationships don’t last. It doesn’t necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. If you start to complain and whine, you will instantly drive your ex further away to that third party. On the other hand, respect his choices and freedom. Do not let jealousy set in. jealous people never get ahead in life, and prevents others from succeeding. Jealousy is a sign of poor self-esteem. Trust that if there was true happiness between you and if your ex wants to be happy, they'll eventually see that getting back together is the best choice. He just needs time to sort himself out.         

Have patience and faith

If you struggle with neediness, you're probably a little lacking in self-esteem. Have patience and faith and keep doing the right thing. Even though the results may not be visible, something is happening. Expect the best and get it. If you are looking for your ex to make you feel better about yourself, then you are wrong, the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. Happy people think positively, act positively, project confidence, verve, and enthusiasm. You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else. He might feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you.

Invite your ex to talk to you

Call him and suggest a casual date by phone. No texts. No emails. Let him hear your voice he once loved and register some sincere effort on your part. It will give you the chance to get together in a relaxed environment and discuss the possibility of comeback. But remember, accepting your invite is not a sure sign he wants to get back together, but that is a good starting point. If he turns you down, give him more time.

 Prepare your first words

The first thing that you say to your ex is extremely important. If you say the wrong words, you will lose the chance to get him back. Epictetus said, “Circumstances do not make the man; they reveal him to himself.” You need to understand that even though you're not together, there is a good chance they still harbor strong feelings for you. To achieve something that you have never achieved before, you must learn and practice qualities and skills that you never had before. Express regret that things didn't work out between the two of you. Ask him if you can talk about it now that you have some perspective. Tell him you miss him.

Do not react to his request for a breakup by crying and begging him to come back. The more you see yourself a valuable and important person, the more positive and optimistic you will be. Begging and pleading doesn't work. It’s one of the most common reactions to the breakup. Begging and pleading makes you look cheap. And that is very unattractive. Whenever you act consistently with who consider an excellent person to be, your self-image improves and your self-esteem increases. You like and respect yourself more. You feel happy about yourself and others. The more you like yourself, the more you like others, and the more they like you in return. And even if your begging worked, it’s going to lead to a relationship where you will end up being a doormat. Therefore, prevent expressing unwanted and unnecessary affection to ex.

Use the past to your advantage

Take advantage of what you have known about him. Wear you outfit he used to admire for the meeting. During the meeting, try to share a lighthearted memory with him. Invite him to a familiar place you used to enjoy good times together. Listen carefully to his choice of words. Not listening is one of the commonest barriers of communication. If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body, and he will not missed your new confidence. This subconsciously tells him that you have undergone some changes.

Apologize

If you did something hurtful, make a real apology, but not beg.  Forgiveness is a key element in any relationship. True love doesn't mean having a relationship of ease; it means making the continual choice to love and forgive. Think deeply about anything you did or didn't do that somehow contributed to the downfall of the relationship, and clean the slate by giving your ex a proper apology.

WORLD OF MISPLACED VALUES

Oh my beloved child

Bringing you into this

World of misplaced

Values resulting from

Materialistic revaluation

Of values where myopic

Thinking and misdirection

Of energy has led to

Escalation of hostilities

Instead of universal peace

Is a regrettable necessity

But I’ll do my best to guide

You; this is a place where

The strong are lords and

The weak their slaves.

Oh my little bundle of joy

This is a place where:

Evil is in perpetual struggle against good

Ugliness is leaving nothing to chance to

Lynch beauty

Ignorance is all out to give knowledge

A knockout

Falsehood has vowed to beat truth into coma

Hatred has given love a hammerlock

And war has given peace a sleeper hold

This is a place where people wear a coat

Of arrogance to hide their inadequacies

And the well-connected make a farce of

Justice.

Oh my precious jewel

Don’t view the world through rose colored

Glasses

Better the hut where you’re intoxicated with

Joy

Than the palace where you shed tears

Extol virtues such as: sincerity, forthrightness,

Tolerance, justice, truthfulness, and humility

Shun vices such as: indiscipline, corruption,

Waywardness and unquenchable quest for

Luxury and power.

Seek not easy way out of matters requiring

Perseverance, devotion and self-sacrifice

And you’ll bring the world to its knees.

METHODS OF COPING WITH EMOTIONS AFTER DIVORCE

Maybe your spouse no longer makes you feel loved and there's no feeling that it will get better. As the divorce process unfolds, especially within the first several months, you will probably go through a series of emotional extremes, such as unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts, and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, etc. Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. Realize that every divorce brings about such change, and change is not always easy.

This is a life-changing event for all concerned and not just for the couple concerned. It affects children, grandparents, other relatives and friends. Divorce brings about changes. The consequences can be enormous and the whole process of divorce should not be entered into lightly.

A divorce may also signify the failure of your dream, because you’ve failed to make the marriage work. Everyone will react differently to divorce and different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these emotions of divorce. You may be able to suppress or contain it, for the most part. Some people may not even feel it. But most do. I hope that we are able to help you. By following these tips you can cope with these changes in a positive way and be better able to make a new life for yourself.

Mixed emotions after divorce

After the divorce you may find you have mixed emotions about your ex-spouse. While you may know that the divorce was for the best, you may find that some days you hate your ex-spouse, and, surprisingly, other days you miss him/her. You may be bitter that your spouse ruined the perfect family ideal you believed in and threw your life in turmoil. But sometimes you may wonder why you fell any fondness for someone you are divorcing. At these times, you may think of the good times. It is perfectly normal, and most divorced people report these mixed emotions. So how do you cope with these changing emotions? It’s easy to make your ex the villain but only one person does not hold most marriages together, and they don’t end because of one person either. So, deal with the anger you feel in a constructive way.

Prioritize

It helps to make a list of the reasons you divorced, and the differences you had. Also, make a list of the good parts of your former relationship. Many newly divorced people are so focused on the bad that they grow resentful and hold such a grudge against their ex-spouse, it is hard to move on with their lives. Everyone has some good traits and some bad. Creating a list of such necessary chores that’ll help to reduce their stressful impact on your life. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. They may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person, such as finding an apartment, which add to the general stress. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over the unfortunate situation.

Talk about it

Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic person/s such as trusted family and friends and request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow you to vent your hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Sometimes you may need a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Don’t shy away from seeking support and validation from friends and relations.

Keeping Journal

Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult, situations being copied with help you to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations

Counseling

Pain acted upon appropriately leads to growth and healing. Pain ignored or acted upon inappropriately leads to further pain and suffering. You will be astounded by the intensity of raw pain that can sweep over you, sometimes quite unexpectedly. Seeking out a professional counselor could be of enormous help even if the marriage cannot be salvaged. A professional counselor can take a more detached point of view and provide a platform for you to share your feelings and find a way to move on.

Get support.

When your marriage is in trouble, a better way of moving forwards is to reach out and ask for help. You can get help by attending support groups. Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through same sorts of circumstances. Generally, sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people come together to educate and support one another.

Take care of yourself

Self-care during and after a divorce, is a necessary if you want to maintain your health. Riding this roller coaster of emotions is tasking, so make sure you develop good self-care habits during this time, so at a personal level, making time for exercise regularly, getting enough sleep, and eating regular healthy meals, putting non-essential things on the back burner for now can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress.

Avoid dangerous habits

Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative outcomes. You may try to fill the loneliness promiscuous relationships or with endless hours of work, or with concern about the kids, or with a new relationship or gambling. You may experience the urge to revenge on your ex-spouse; your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge.

Spend time doing things you enjoy

Most people say when they went through a divorce, it was on their mind every waking moment of their day. Take some time to do something you enjoy. This could include spending time with friends or spending quiet time alone with a good book or watching movies. Let your mind concentrate on something other than the divorce when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Explore new interests

Divorce is a beginning as well as an ending as the person you thought you knew and loved is no longer there, now replaced by some scary, spiteful stranger. Divorce can be a relief to some individuals or couples but it can also seem like bereavement. This is a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects you are interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past.

THE IMPORTANCE OF HUMOR IN MARRIAGE

                                      

 To be able to have a successful marriage couple must be grown up emotionally. Marriage is for the mentally matured. The blending of two different personalities requires emotional stability. The couple needs to be calm when problems develop. It important that they reduce stress and tension for the mind can only operate efficiently when the emotions are under control.

Your marriage will be successful if each of you brings out the best in the other. Two people loving each other and with high esteem for the other's personality are bound to get along beautifully. Talk out all problems that develop together and arrive at reasonable solutions in unity.

Ti is crucial that you treat your spouse with respect and politeness. Never let anger make you discourteous and engage in derogatory comments. Show courtesy to your partner. I

It is important to remember that marriage is a symbiotic relationship and not an parasitic one. Even though God made man the head of the family, marriage is complementary. The men should not dominate their wives. Manipulation is to control or play upon your partner's intelligence in an unfair way especially for your own advantage. How often do you find yourself scheming to get what you want?

There will be need to adjust some of your ways to accommodate the other person. This adjustment must be achieved on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Marriage is a team work. Each partner must contribute his quota to the survival of the relationship. Do things together often and show interest in what your spouse is ding. Make all decisions that affect your lives together. Always be interested in the other person's activities and ideas. Direct your conversation to the other's interests rather talking about yourself. If you are absorbed in another's interests, he will become attentive to yours and you will have a pleasant time together. If each makes the other happy both of you will be happy and the marriage will be a successful one.

Women who nag should know that they are sending their husband out, maybe to the bottle or to other loving women. If you understand this and send him off with enthusiasm and love he will not only hurry home to be with you but will probably not go out as often. A man, who works hard, occasionally, needs to have some relaxation and fun with his friends.

Jealousy drives some partners to attempt to manipulate and control. A jealous partner does not trust his partner. Such an attitude can force a partner to be deceitful. Rather than risk the partner's wrath, he simply will not discuss where he is been or what he has done.

Cultivate the quality of being stimulating. If being with you makes your partner feel better and more alive, your partner will sought after you and your personal relation will be better for it.

Avoid being on the edge and over sensitive, so that you easily hurt. People instinctively shy away from the emotionally delicate person for fear of arousing an unpleasant reaction. Avoid the temptation to react with hurt feelings, and you will get on better with your partner. Resurrecting all your doubts about whether you would be able to put aside your pasts and differences enough to have any meaningful future, ruin many marriages. In fact, I know of a couple who blame each other for the fact that their marriage had brought them disillusionment. They had made some half-hearted attempts to enjoy each other's company, but the casual intimacies did not bring the anticipated satisfactions, so they gradually become reconciled to the idea of leading independent lives under the same roof. This is like sitting on a keg of gun powder.

Love your partner and do things for him. Perform unselfish and outgoing acts of friendship. Such sincere self-giving inevitably leads to pleasant personal relations and a great marriage.

HOW TO FIGHT FAIRLY IN A MARRIAGE

                                               

At the time a couple get married, they are usually happy and in love. Many couples enter marriage with many dreams and great expectations of an eternal joyful co-habitation. Because they love each other they believe that they will automatically live happily forever. But because there is some adjustment to make about some of their inevitable differences in personality there are bound to be problems and conflicts which however they should try to resolve amicably.

Effective communication is the key to marital stability. Each partner should give vent to his views freely. Quarreling is a means of effective communication in marriage because in polite discussions most partners are not always wholesomely frank about their feelings in a particular situation so as not to arouse the ire of the other.

Quarreling helps each partner to acquire a deeper knowledge of the other. The realization that your love is strong enough to survive a disagreement is of benefit to your marriage. Cathartic quarrels help to vent some of the tensions developed over a period of time. There are two schools of thought concerning quarreling. Some people feel that polemic encounters between couples should be avoided at all cost while the other group believes that quarreling is an unavoidable vicissitudes of marriage.

When quarreling is avoided at all cost, there is no opportunity of resolving a conflict of opinions and consequently tensions develop and disharmony set in. In this era of women liberation, quarreling is inevitable because it is clear indication that the husband and wife regard each other as equal and not subservient partner. The most important thing in all quarrels is how they are handled by the partners. It is a yardstick of measuring if the couples are building a successful marriage or a tumultuous one.

It is healthy for a couple to feel that quarreling is an acceptable part of marriage and that disagreement in opinion should not lead to separation or divorce. It should however be realized that your partner will be more honest with you if he/she knows that occasional disagreeing with your ideas will not end your marriage. A person who is well-adjusted and faces life with realism cannot afford not to disagree with her partner occasionally because she knows that sulking or brooding or being moody about problems do not solve them but only leads to discontent and sometimes to separation or even divorce.

When a woman fails to give vent to her problems and makes no attempt to try to solve them, it often stultifies what would have been an idyllic relationship. When you argue for what you believe, it helps to strengthen your marriage because then it becomes symbiotic relationship where both partners contribute to the marriage. Quarreling could be constructive or destructive. Destructive quarreling mostly involves speaking slightingly of your partner in such a way as to bring his name into disrepute, passing derogatory remarks and displaying of excess anger by one or both partners. In this case, the partners are rarely able to solve the problems and it leads to profound frustration and unhappiness.

It is dangerous to belittle your partner or mention his weaknesses during a quarrel. In some people's tantrum, they say things that hurt their mate so much only to regret saying them later. A quarrel is constructive when the partners discuss the issues of disagreement and learn to communicate with each other.

A quarrel should purge your mind of your earlier tensions, resentments, fears and anxieties. No two people can live for years without some problems, conflicts and pains. Therefore quarreling is healthy.

STABILITY OF MARRIAGE AND MOTHERS-IN-LAW AND DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW MISUNDERSTANDING

Mothers-in-law and Daughter-in-law Misunderstanding

A problematic relationship exists particularly between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and mother-in-law has been blamed for many misunderstanding in marriage. There is a general pre-conceived notion by many wives across the world that mothers-in-law are mean, wicked and wish them dead. There have been more problems created in a home because a mother-in-law wanting to tell the couple what to do. The causes of the breakdown in many marriages have been traced to the overbearing attitude of mothers-in-law. Very few wives have ever had anything good to say about their mothers-in-law. Therefore it is apparent that mothers unwittingly bring about more difficulty in marital adjustments than do fathers.

The degree of anguish and unhappiness that an improperly handled mother-in-law may produce is tremendous. The inability on the part of a mother to become reconciled to taking second place in a child’s affection is most noticeable in the relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. The mother is still as solicitous for her child’s welfare as when the child was a child was a teenager, so out of the goodness of her heart, the mother naturally offers counsel in whatever situation she feels should be improved for the benefit of her son or daughter.

The mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law relationship is a delicate one. Because of pre-conceived notions about mothers-in-laws that many wives had while they were spinsters, many of them came into their marriage prepared for the battle that must be fought to put their mother-in-law in the right place. So if these wives have naturally loving and caring mothers-in-law, they would misconstrue everything done and said by their mothers-in-law.

Another cause of the problem is the illusion that many wives have that their husbands must dissociate from his parents and cling to them. It is natural for the son-in-law and the daughter-in-law to assume and insist that he has the primary right to the affection of his partner. Each therefore resents what he/she considers to be the selfish intention of mother-in-law to cheat him/her of the first place in the heart of his/her partner.

There are many circumstances which seem to bring tension between couples and their mothers-in-law. The tension practically always results from a tendency toward over-domination on the part of the mother-in-law and a resentment of this domination by the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, who feels that his/her home is established and the decisions affecting the family should be determined by the husband and wife, not by the mothers-in-law of either. The African mother-in-law is more domineering than her western counterpart. The African mother-in-law derives her enormous powers from cultural and traditional values.

Mothers naturally love their children and this love does not terminate when they are married. They were there for their sons while young at his most vulnerable periods and bore the burden of his upbringing when he was growing up, learning to take his first steps, during sickness or struggling. Such mothers would look to their sons for solace and want to be accepted and loved by him and his wife. When you have the confidence and competence to handle your mother-in-law with care, then you’re less likely to succumb to the stomach churning anxieties that come from not knowing how you will deal with whatever problem that may develop.

In many parts, open display of affection for a wife by her husband is often viewed as unmanliness or personal weakness so husbands watch helplessly while their mothers undo their marriages. Therefore, many husbands support their mothers against their wives even when it is clear that the wife is the aggrieved party.

But affection between a mother and a child should not be so constantly and continuously manifested that it deprives the child a fair opportunity to develop his/her independent personality. It is all right to advice people, but it’s not in order to run other people’s lives –even if they are your children. Any reasonable mother-in-law would spare herself a lot of blame if she’d she accepted the newly established home is an entity in itself and that the husband, even though her son or son-in-law is the rightful head of the house. When they become adults, they are accountable for their own lives. Children should grow up and get out on their own. Parents should teach their children to make decisions for themselves. Parents are not responsible for their grown up children. Adults must continue to honor their parents.

But a mother with a healthy outlook in will realize that a time will eventually come when her child will establish his own home and that it is best for a married child to be free from parental interference. Such a healthy attitude enables a mother to rejoice with her child at the time of marriage rather for her to enter a long period of mourning over her loss. If she understands that she a guest in the newly established home rather than a matron, she would prevent the misunderstanding between herself and her daughter-in-law or son-in-law.

A wife is expected to humble herself before her in-laws, be accommodating, tolerate and love them. Love is the foundation and the bedrock of every marriage but this love should be extended not only to the husband but also to the in-laws even if the wife thinks that they do not like her. She cannot obliterate her in-laws and should check herself to see if there are any issues within her which caused the friction. She must not be on the offensive through pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-law are evil.

The most common circumstance that precipitates these unpleasant feelings is the arrangement by which married children and parents-in-law live under the same roof. Genesis 2:24 states, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Physically moving from the parents’ home is just one kind of necessary departure for a healthy marriage. The logical way to maintain a friendly relation is for the young couple to establish their home as a separate entity so that, it may consequently be recognized by themselves and by both of their parents that the new home is discreet.

Husbands and wives also need to depart emotionally. Too many married adults have never consciously stepped away from their parents’ emotional control. The process of stepping away emotionally will be gradual, and that process is longer when strong controlling parents are involved. If the daughter-in-law also realizes the years of affection which has been built over the period of years between mother and son still exists and that the established habits cannot be easily terminated, she might be more tolerant of her mother-in-law and more patient with her husband as they tend to come to terms with the new situation. It is ironic that the same wife, who wants her husband to dissociate from her his parents in the name of clinging to her, would have her own mother in her home at every excuse. Unfortunately, some husbands who did not realize the manipulative politics of their wives aimed at creating a bad impression about their mothers, have on account of the mischievous reports given them by the wives, spoken harshly to their mothers and have alienated them.

Financial independence is another important aspect of leaving home. Leaving financially means we are free to accept financial assistance from our parents but we no longer depend on them for the funds we need. Again, many adults have not tried to achieve financial independence because they are counting on dad and mom’s money to be there for them. Achieving independence from one’s parents can be long or short, easy or difficult process. Again, departure doesn’t mean that parents and their married children will never see each other. It does mean a new phase of relationship in which parents regard their children as independent adults capable of managing their own home, their emotional lives, and their own financial situations.

Conclusion

Despite being married to their wives, some sons are still emotionally attached to their mothers or tied to her apron strings and would run to their mothers for succor at every turn. Such sons contribute to the conflict by granting their mothers the power to meddle or to interfere in their marital affairs, by their immaturity to face their responsibilities as men. A son who allows his parents to interfere in his marital affairs has set the stage for conflict which must occur if his wife resents such interference.

Complications that develop with respect to mothers-in-law can be avoided if the young couple presents a united front. How does a man cleave unto his wife without straining the relationship with his parents? Each couple must be frank about the influence parents, so that each of them will know in advance what to expect. The new couple will not make an absolute break from their parents, but they must realize that they are now a family, and they need to make their own decisions. The husband and wife must be greater loyalty to each other than to their parents.

It is not always possible to keep the obligation to parents and spouse entirely discreet and separate, they sometimes overlap. However, while there are touchy mothers-in-law who are difficult to please no matter how a wife strives, some mothers have genuine intentions and a sincere concern for the welfare of her son but the way her good intention will be received by her daughter-in-law will depend on her diplomacy. However, there should be no excuse to neglect their parents or disregard their comfort once there is decrease of their vital forces.

WHY PARENT SHOULD MONITOR WHAT THEIR KIDS WATCH ON TV

Most of today’s homes have, at least, one television and many of these sets are hooked to a commercial cable system that provides a seemingly limitless number of programs. Television has a consideration impact on influencing our morals, thinking and culture. Why and to what extent should parents control their children’s TV watching? There is certainly nothing inherently wrong with watching TV. The problem is how much television should a child watch and what effect it has on his life.

Some parents, who worry that their children are being exposed to programs, meant for adults that they are too young to handle, tend to say television is the culprit. Setting limits on television viewing is crucial to your child’s development because research has shown that as the amount of time spent watching TV goes up, the amount of time devoted not only to homework and study but other important aspects of life such as social development and physical activities decreases.

The National Coalition for The Protection of Children and Families, Annual Report 1995 wrote, “Today’s kids are learning their attitudes and values more from television and movies than from any other source. It is estimated that in the United States, by the time a youngster gets out of high school, he has watched more than 20,000 hours of television, witnessed 15,000 murders, and watched 100,000 alcohol-related commercials.”

Jerry Johnson in his book It’s Killing Our Kids wrote, “Television programming and advertisements convey the message that drinking is fun, smoking is glamorous, and drugs are the ‘in’ thing. No wonder the crime rate is so high.”

Advertisers are good at conditioning their audience. While bringing us lots of information, television has also contributed heavily to degrading our tastes; young children are easily attracted to and seduced by the flashy colors, intense sounds and fast moving images on the television screen thereby corrupting our morals increasing juvenile delinquency.

Watch the commercials with your children and talk together about what you’ve seen. Companies spend huge amount of money for commercials. Children see an ad for a particular brand of soft drink and go to the supermarket and buy that brand. They don’t want just any soft drink but only that brand. Why? Because they had been influenced by the commercial and act accordingly.

Television can be such an exciting medium for learning, but children need to use it wisely, not waste their childhood by watching things that are inappropriate or unacceptable. At this stage, there is a tremendous amount of learning to be done and should not be wasted watching television for too long because watching one favorite show leads to watching television for an extended period time. This reduces the time a child has left in her day to do other things. Children who watch excessive amounts of television, spend less time involved in creative activities and vigorous exercise, and develop an unhealthy pattern of passivity.

As youngsters get older, they should gradually be given discretion over program choice, as long as parents continue to monitor their viewing habits. It’s important for parents to spend time with their children in front of the set, and then talk about what they’ve seen. Television has some advantages though; it is an important teacher to some children.

One of the most disturbing is that young children become more violent themselves as teenagers, and begin to believe that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflicts and problems because children often believe everything they see and hear on television commercials and tend to have more encounters with the law as adults.

Dr. Gail Gross wrote, “We know that for the most part, children learn from both experience and social learning or role modeling. Therefore, when children, especially young children, see violence on television, they have a difficult time differentiating between what is real or what is make believe, and tend to emulate or copy what they are seeing. Furthermore, there is a chemical change in the brain, similar to that which is seen in post-traumatic stress disorder; if enough violence is viewed, the brain reacts as if the person doing the viewing has actually been abused. This is especially true if the violence is one sided, as in the case of sadistic violence. Now add to this the fact that children who watch violence on television have brains that are still developing, and you can see how really dangerous TV viewing can be.”

What parents can do

Since television is clearly here to stay, parents are entitled to monitor what their children are actually watching on TV. The parents should consider a number of things: what TV offers the child in terms of information and knowledge and the impact of violence and sex, and the influence of commercials. Parents can and should establish house rules for TV viewing, how many hours a week children should watch television.

Parents should supervise their children's TV viewing by watching at least one episode of whatever their children's selections are so that the parents decide if the programming is appropriate and communicate their personal feelings about undesirable programs by discouraging their children from watching them. When programs designed specifically for young children go off, the television should go off. Beside this, parents should monitor the amount of TV their kids watch because it could negatively affect their vision. Watching too much TV can negatively affect a kid’s vision because they are trying to focus hard on what they are watching and can strain the eye. It could also take up valuable studying time they need each day, and lastly kids can become less intelligent. Parents can utilize the v-chip or cable/satellite parental controls on the less monitored televisions maintain control even when they are not in the room.

Parents can write to their local television station or to the program’s sponsors. While parents need time for themselves, they should avoid using television to keep their children occupied while they relax and enjoy downtime. Encourage your children to spend their free time in ways other than TV watching, such as playing football, reading, or any creative exercise like painting. Parents should view current events on television with their children so that they can explain any confusing or inappropriate material to their children.

SMILE

A smile costs nothing, but it creates much.

It enriches those who receive it without impoverishing

 those who give it.

It happens in a flash, and the memory of it may last forever.

None are so rich that they can get along without it, and

none so poor that they cannot be richer for its benefits.  

It creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in a 

business, and is the countersigns of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine

 to the sad, and nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be begged, bought, borrowed, or stolen, for it is

something that is worth nothing to anyone until it is

given away.

In the course of the day, some of your acquaintances may

be too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours. Nobody

needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.

Culled from You Can Win by Shiv Khera pp 185.

WORLD MY SON STARTS SCHOOL TODAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN

World, take my child by the hand –he starts school today!

It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while, and I wish you would sort of treat him gently. You see, up to now, he has been king of the roost. He has been the boss of the backyard. I have always been around to repair his wounds, and I have always been handy to soothe his feelings.

But now things are going to be different. This morning he is going to walk down the front steps, wave his hand, and start on a great adventure that probably will include wars and tragedy and sorrow.

To live in this world will require faith and love and courage. So, World, I wish you would sort of take him by his young hand and teach him the things he will have to know. Teach him –but gently, if you can.

He will have to learn, I know, that all people are not just –that all men and women are not true. Teach him that for every scoundrel, there is a hero; that for every enemy, there is a friend. Let him learn early that the bullies are the easiest people to lick.

Teach him the wonder of books. Give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on a green hill. Teach him that it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat. Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him they are wrong.

Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone else is getting on the bandwagon. Teach him to listen to others, but to filter all he hears on a screen of truth and to take only the good that comes through.

Teach him never to put a price tag on his heart and soul. Teach him to close his ears on the howling mob –and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right. Teach him gently, World, but do not coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

This is a big order, World, but see what you can do. He is such a nice son.

                                                                                  Signed, Abraham Lincoln.

Culled from “You Can Win” by Shiv Khera, pp 161.

You must note that he said "Teach him gently, World, but do not coddle him because only the test of fire makes fine steel." So when you are over-pampering  your child, note that you're destroying him/her.

WHAT MAKES A CHILD DELINQUENT?

·         Teach him to put a price tag on everything and he will put his integrity for sale.

·         Teach him never to take a stand and then he will fall for anything.

·         Make him believe that winning is not everything, that it is the only thing and he will make every effort to win by hook and crook.

·         Give a child everything he wants right from infancy and he will grow up believing that the world owes him a living and everything will be handed to him on a platter.

·         When he picks up bad language, laugh at him. This will make him think he is cute.

·         Don’t ever give him any moral or ethical values. Wait until he is 21 and let him “determine his own.”

·         Give him choices without direction. Never teach him that every choice has a consequence.

·         Never tell him he is wrong he might develop a complex. This will condition him to believe that society is against him when he gets arrested for doing something wrong.

·         Always pick up things that he leaves lying around –books, shoes, clothes and so on. Do everything for him so that he will learn to push all responsibilities onto others.

·         Let him read, watch and hear anything he wants. Be careful what he feeds his body, but let his mind feed on garbage.

·         In order to be popular with his peers, he must go along to get along.

·         Quarrel frequently when he is present. This way he won’t be surprised when things fall apart at home.

·         Give him as much money as he wants. Never teach him respect for the value of money. Make sure he does not have things as tough as you did.

·         Provide instant gratification for al sensual desires such as food, drink and comfort. Deprivation can cause frustration.

·         Side with him against neighbors and teachers, as they are prejudiced against him.

·         When he gets into trouble, excuse yourself by saying, “I tried my best but could never do anything with him.”

·         Don’t put your foot down because you believe discipline takes away freedom.

·         Prefer remote control to parental control in order to teach independence.

      Culled from You Can Win by Shiv Khera.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S SAYING

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot enrich the poor by impoverishing the rich.

You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.

You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away

man’s initiative and independence.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what

 they could and should do for themselves.