Mom's Secret to a Successful Marriage Is Going Viral, Because It's Just So Honest

A post by a mom named Nikki Pennington is going viral, because her thoughts on marriage are so on-point. Pennington, 32, took to Facebook to address the question she's frequently asked by those in awe of her long-time relationship with her husband, Jerred. The pair has been together since they were teens.

"After thirteen years of being together and eleven years of marriage I've had people ask me, 'So, what's the secret to a successful marriage?'" Pennington notes in the post. "I usually laugh. I know the typical responses from the 'Don't go to bed angry' or the 'Always say you I love you when they leave.'" But the reality of the matter is different, she acknowledges.

"You guys, do you know how many times in eleven years Jer has taken residency on the couch prior to us having kids because we were mad?" she continues. "Do you know how many times he's left without us saying 'I love you' because kids and life. His way of saying 'I love you' some mornings is letting me sleep in when he leaves and everyone is still asleep. All the 'secrets' we've broken them. The secret to a long lasting marriage is there is no secret at all."

Pennington goes onto explain that making marriage work is about getting up and trying "again over and over every damn day." "It's hanging on tight when you are young, newly married and living on frozen dinners because it's all you can afford," she writes. "It's staying up all night in tears with your first newborn child because you both are over tired, overwhelmed and scared to death but you are in it together. It's counting pennies when you are young so that you can build a life together for your future family. It's about knowing that nothing is going to turn out perfect, that your marriage won't be a highlight reel because that's not real life."

She emphasizes that there's what might be considered a dark, difficult side to every marriage, but that's because there's a dark, difficult side to life! But when you're committed to your partnership, you're facing those challenges together. "It's about being deep in the trenches of so many obstacles that life could throw you and getting to look over and know that you aren't alone and that your best friend is walking it with you," she writes. "It's about knowing that you can never be prepared for the burdens you might have to help your partner carry but you do know you are willing to be there when they need rest from the burden." Ultimately, she concludes: "Just try every single day, in the trenches and on top of the mountains don't ever stop. Because stopping, that's one thing that isn't a secret, it will make you fail."

Nikki Pennington

Jer and I have been together since we were teenagers. After thirteen years of being together and eleven years of marriage I've had people ask me, "So, what's the secret to a successful marriage?" 
• I usually laugh 
• I know the typical responses from the "Don't go to bed angry" or the "Always say I love you when they leave" 
• You guys, do you know how many times in eleven years Jer has taken residency on the couch prior to us having kids because we were mad? Do you know how many times he's left without us saying "I love you" because kids and life. His way of saying "I love you" some mornings is letting me sleep in when he leaves and everyone is still asleep 
• All the "secrets" we've broken them 
• The secret to a long lasting marriage is there is no secret at all 
• It's a get up and try again over and over every damn day. It's hanging on tight when you are young, newly married and living on frozen dinners because it's all you can afford. It's staying up all night in tears with your first newborn child because you both are over tired, overwhelmed and scared to death but you are in it together. It's counting pennies when you are young so that you can build a life together for your future family. It's about knowing that nothing is going to turn out perfect, that your marriage won't be a highlight reel because that's not real life. It's about being deep in the trenches of so many obstacles that life could throw you and getting to look over and know that you aren't alone and that your best friend is walking it with you. It's about knowing that you can never be prepared for the burdens you might have to help your partner carry but you do know you are willing to be there when they need rest from the burden. 
• Just try every single day, in the trenches and on top of the mountains don't ever stop. Because stopping, that's one thing that isn't a secret, it will make you fail

The mom of three -- Dylan, 7, Cohen, 5, and Neil, 3 -- isn't super-surprised that her post is going viral, having been shared more than 113K times -- because it came from the heart. “I think it’s resonating with so many people because it’s honest. So many of us don’t want to talk about the bad times in our marriage because then we are failing. But in reality, we all go through difficult times,” Pennington tells Us Weekly. “I’ve also received lots of messages from young couples with people around them doubting if they can have a successful marriage. My post gave them hope that they can make it.”

Cheers to that!

Article by By Maressa Brown/24 Aug 2017 culled from FlipDigest.

7 Ways to Know You're With a Real Man

What defines a man as a real man varies from person to person, but there are certain qualities that should hold true across the board. It's not about masculinity or bravado in the slightest, but rather authenticity, integrity, and respect. Not only does he have good character, but he also knows exactly what it means to be a good partner.

A real man . . .

1. ISN'T THREATENED BY HIS SUCCESSFUL PARTNER.

He doesn't think anything less of himself because his partner earns more money than him. Instead, he feels lucky to have such an ambitious partner and is proud of all their accomplishments. He takes it as motivation to push himself and isn't afraid to cheer on him or her along the way.

2. WOULD NEVER TREAT HIS PARTNER WITH ANYTHING BUT RESPECT.

Even in the most heated of arguments, he'd never think to lay a hand on them or say anything demeaning. He doesn't resort to aggression to display dominance or power, because he believes that treating someone with the utmost respect says more about who he is.

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3. DOESN'T THINK HE'S BETTER THAN HIS PARTNER (OR ANYONE ELSE).

He is confident but values humility; he is self-assured but doesn't feel the need to prove himself. He sees his significant other as an equal and would never try to put him or her in "their place."

4. ISN'T AFRAID TO SHOW LOVE AND AFFECTION.

When a real man cares about someone, he lets them know instead of hiding behind confusing texts or a tough persona. He doesn't have time for mind games and would rather be upfront and honest about his feelings than be misleading. He doesn't think showering his partner with kisses and hugs is being overly cheesy, either.

5. STILL BELIEVES IN CHIVALRY.

He doesn't think opening doors or pulling chairs is old fashioned, because he's a gentleman. He's protective but never in a way that's overbearing; he makes sure his partner gets home safely and comforts them in times of need.

6. DOESN'T FEEL "WHIPPED."

When he's asked to help out with errands or to do a favor, he happily obliges without feeling effeminated by certain tasks. He doesn't believe in gender roles and rises to the occasion when needed. When others accuse him of being "whipped," he smiles about being a good teammate instead of being unnecessarily defensive about his manhood.

7. BACKS UP HIS WORDS WITH ACTIONS.

He never makes promises he can't keep. If he says he's going to do something, he will do it, because he's a person of integrity. He takes pride in being reliable and trustworthy and does his best to maintain good character, because he knows he's also a reflection of the person he's with. He always come through on his end as a loving partner, friend, and man.

Culled from POPSUGAR.

Parents of Successful Kids Have These 12 Things in Common

This story originally appeared on businessinsider.com.

Good parents want their kids to stay out of trouble, do well in school, and go on to do awesome things as adults.

And while there isn't a set recipe for raising successful children, psychology research has pointed to a handful of factors that predict success.

Unsurprisingly, much of it comes down to the parents.

Here's what parents of successful kids have in common:

They make their kids do chores

"If kids aren't doing the dishes, it means someone else is doing that for them," Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University and author of "How to Raise an Adult" said during a TED Talks Live event.

"And so they're absolved of not only the work, but of learning that work has to be done and that each one of us must contribute for the betterment of the whole," she said.

Lythcott-Haims believes kids raised on chores go on to become employees who collaborate well with their coworkers, are more empathetic because they know firsthand what struggling looks like, and are able to take on tasks independently.

She bases this on the Harvard Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study ever conducted.

"By making them do chores — taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry — they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life," she tells Tech Insider.

They teach their kids social skills

Researchers from Pennsylvania State University and Duke University tracked more than 700 children from across the US between kindergarten and age 25 and found a significant correlation between their social skills as kindergartners and their success as adults two decades later.

The 20-year study showed that socially competent children who could cooperate with their peers without prompting, be helpful to others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems on their own, were far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with limited social skills.

Those with limited social skills also had a higher chance of getting arrested, binge drinking, and applying for public housing.

"This study shows that helping children develop social and emotional skills is one of the most important things we can do to prepare them for a healthy future," said Kristin Schubert, program director at the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, which funded the research, in a release.

"From an early age, these skills can determine whether a child goes to college or prison, and whether they end up employed or addicted."

They have high expectations

Using data from a national survey of 6,600 children born in 2001, University of California at Los Angeles professor Neal Halfon and his colleagues discovered that the expectations parents hold for their kids have a huge effect on attainment.

"Parents who saw college in their child's future seemed to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of their income and other assets," he said in a statement.

The finding came out in standardized tests: 57% of the kids who did the worst were expected to attend college by their parents, while 96% of the kids who did the best were expected to go to college.

That parents should keep their expectations high falls in line with another psych finding — the Pygmalion effect, which states "that what one person expects of another can come to serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy" — as well as what some teachers told Business Insider was most important for a child's success.

They've attained higher educational levels

A 2014 study lead by University of Michigan psychologist Sandra Tang found that mothers who finished high school or college were more likely to raise kids that did the same.

Pulling from a group of over 14,000 children who entered kindergarten in 1998 to 2007, the study found that children born to teen moms (18 years old or younger) were less likely to finish high school or go to college than their counterparts.

Aspiration is at least partially responsible. In a 2009 longitudinal study of 856 people in semirural New York, Bowling Green State University psychologist Eric Dubow found that "parents' educational level when the child was 8 years old significantly predicted educational and occupational success for the child 40 years later."

They teach their kids math early on

A 2007 meta-analysis of 35,000 preschoolers across the US, Canada, and England found that developing math skills early can turn into a huge advantage.

"The paramount importance of early math skills — of beginning school with a knowledge of numbers, number order, and other rudimentary math concepts — is one of the puzzles coming out of the study,"coauthor and Northwestern University researcher Greg Duncan said in a press release. "Mastery of early math skills predicts not only future math achievement, it also predicts future reading achievement."

They develop a relationship with their kids

A 2014 study of 243 people born into poverty found that children who received "sensitive caregiving" in their first three years not only did better in academic tests in childhood, but had healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s.

As reported on PsyBlog, parents who are sensitive caregivers "respond to their child's signals promptly and appropriately" and "provide a secure base" for children to explore the world.

"This suggests that investments in early parent-child relationships may result in long-term returns that accumulate across individuals' lives," coauthor and University of Minnesota psychologist Lee Raby said in an interview.

They're less stressed

According to recent research cited by Brigid Schulte at The Washington Post, the number of hours that moms spend with kids between ages 3 and 11 does little to predict the child's behavior, well-being, or achievement.

What's more, the "intensive mothering" or "helicopter parenting" approach can backfire.

"Mothers' stress, especially when mothers are stressed because of the juggling with work and trying to find time with kids, that may actually be affecting their kids poorly," study coauthor and Bowling Green State University sociologist Kei Nomaguchi told The Post.

Emotional contagion — or the psychological phenomenon where people "catch" feelings from one another like they would a cold — helps explain why. Research shows that if your friend is happy, that brightness will infect you; if she's sad, that gloominess will transfer as well. So if a parent is exhausted or frustrated, that emotional state could transfer to the kids.

The moms work outside the home

According to research out of Harvard Business School, there are significant benefits for children growing up with mothers who work outside the home.

The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money — 23% more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers.

The sons of working mothers also tended to pitch in more on household chores and childcare, the study found — they spent seven-and-a-half more hours a week on childcare and 25 more minutes on housework.

"Role modeling is a way of signaling what's appropriate in terms of how you behave, what you do, the activities you engage in, and what you believe," the study's lead author, Harvard Business School professor Kathleen L. McGinn, told Business Insider.

"There are very few things, that we know of, that have such a clear effect on gender inequality as being raised by a working mother," she told Working Knowledge.

They have a higher socioeconomic status

Tragically, one-fifth of American children grow up in poverty, a situation that severely limits their potential.

It's getting more extreme. According to Stanford University researcher Sean Reardon, the achievement gap between high- and low-income families "is roughly 30% to 40% larger among children born in 2001 than among those born 25 years earlier."

As "Drive" author Dan Pink has noted, the higher the income for the parents, the higher the SAT scores for the kids.

"Absent comprehensive and expensive interventions, socioeconomic status is what drives much of educational attainment and performance," he wrote.

They teach 'grit'

In 2013, University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth won a MacArthur "genius" grant for her uncovering of a powerful, success-driving personality trait called grit.

Defined as a "tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals," her research has correlated grit with educational attainment, grade-point average in Ivy League undergrads, retention in West Point cadets, and rank in the US National Spelling Bee.

It's about teaching kids to imagine — and commit — to a future they want to create.

They give their kids bias-proof names

A host of research shows just how much your name can affect your lifetime success, from your hireability to your spending habits.

Career-wise, people with names that are common and easy to pronounce, for example, have been found to have more success.

They understand the importance of good nutrition and eating habits

Successful people recognize that good eating habits can help you focus and be productive throughout the day.

As Tech Insider previously reported, Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, a family and children's clinical psychologist and author of books like "The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age," told Slate that developing food habits in kids that are both mentally and physically healthy requires involvement from parents.

To help their kids develop a sense of body acceptance and a body-positive self-image, she says parents need to role model good attitudes about their own and others' bodies, healthy eating habits of their own, and a positive attitude about food.

Article by RACHEL GILLETT AND YU HAN / BUSINESSINSIDER.COM 

FEBRUARY 22, 2017

How Do You Make a Marriage Last? Here's What 1,500 Happy Couples Have to Say

What does it take to have a happy marriage that stays happy over several decades? It turns out there are some clear answers to that question.

Mark Manson is a blogger and entrepreneur who's best known as the author of bestseller The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. He's also a newlywed, having gotten married early this year. Like many newly married people, he began wondering what it takes to keep a marriage strong, and since he has a wide audience, he decided to ask them. He put out a call on his website for readers who had been married at least 10 years and were still happy in their marriages to tell him how they did it. Some 1,500 of them responded, sometimes at length.

Manson read through all the answers and found that many of the same patterns emerged over and over, and many of the answers covered the same themes. He found this very reassuring because it meant that there really is a formula to having a happy marriage.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary. That makes us rank amateurs compared to some of the really long-term couples who wrote to Manson. Still, we can confirm from our own marriage that the advice Manson received is absolutely right. You can find all of it here. Meantime, here's our take on some of Manson's readers' best tips:

1. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND ROMANTIC PASSION. DON'T CONFUSE THE TWO.

Does your heart skip a beat when you see your loved one coming toward you? That's great, but that intensely romantic feeling is not going to stay the same over the years. In a good marriage, it gets replaced with something deeper and more solid, like a tree setting down long roots after a burst of flower. You'll know that you can count on your spouse to be there when you need him or her, to understand you better than anyone else, and to help you fulfill your biggest dreams.

In a way, that feeling of solidity and trust is the opposite of wild passion because wild passion always has uncertainty at its core. Not that you won't ever feel wild love for your partner--you will, sometimes. Other times, you will wish that same partner would go far, far away and never come back. And that's OK.

2. RESPECT TRUMPS ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE.

Couples can disagree about a lot, but the real trouble starts when one stops respecting the other. At least, that's how it's been in every serious relationship I've had that ended.

Interestingly, Manson observed that couples who'd been together 10 to 15 years tended to stress the importance of communication, while those who'd been together 20 years or longer (sometimes much longer) emphasized respect instead. Manson guessed this was because long-term couples know that communication will break down at some point. I think it's because at some point, when you've been close for decades, you've pretty much said everything you have to say and communication becomes less of an issue.

Manson refers to respect as the bedrock of a relationship and I think that's exactly right. If you respect each other, and you share the same values, your relationship can survive almost anything. Without respect, it's almost impossible to make a long-term relationship work.

3. LEARN HOW TO FIGHT.

I believe that if a couple is constantly fighting that's a bad sign--but if they never fight, that's a worse one. You're human, your spouse is human, and there will be times when you disagree. There will also be times when one of you feels wronged by the other.

So it's important that you fight, but it's also important how you fight. Even in the midst of a shouting match, when you are beside yourself with fury, will you refrain from saying things that can damage the relationship or your partner's self-esteem? As Manson notes, psychologist John Gottman is good at predicting whether a couple will divorce based on how they fight. So learn to fight fair, and in a way that does not inflict lasting wounds.

4. MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER.

Life gets very full very quickly with jobs and kids and especially if you're starting a company. So you may have to be deliberate about making time to be with your spouse to do things together that are fun, as well as the things you need to do. Have a date night, plan the occasional weekend getaway, take vacations together. If you were dating instead of cohabiting, you would carefully plan your time together, and just because you're married doesn't mean you can skip this step. Your relationship needs these booster shots to stay healthy.

It also needs sex, something else you must make time for. A few years ago, my husband and I attended a tantric sex workshop that really opened my eyes on this point. Spontaneous sex may seem more natural or romantic but it often means squeezing in a quick session in between when you first open your eyes and when the alarm goes off, or rushing through an encounter before you go out for the evening.

You put planning and thought into most of the important stuff in your life, and sex deserves the same. With forethought, you can set the perfect scene for sex, and you can give each other all the time you need and deserve.

5. MAKE A CHOICE.

Manson doesn't mention this specifically, and yet it's the subtext of almost every comment from his readers that he published. Getting into a relationship is a matter of choosing, and so is staying in one for the long term. If you're in a relationship that isn't working and doesn't fulfill you, or your spouse can't be the partner you need, then you may need to make a difficult choice about leaving. But if you're in the relationship and you want it to work, then you need to choose to be there.

That's a lesson I learned from my husband, and it took me a while because it goes against the mythology of love. Just as movies and songs tell you (falsely) that you should expect to feel romantic all the time and live happily ever after, they also tell you (falsely) that love is something that just happens to you. It's more like something you choose to create, especially after you've been married for a while.

A friend of my father's, and one of my mentors, told me that she married at 17 because she wanted to leave her father's house. She and her almost-as-young husband agreed they would give the marriage six months and then decide if they wanted to "renew." Six months later they did, so they decided to give it another six months. And so on and on until he died in his 90s.

That's marriage. You choose to commit to your spouse, and then you choose again and again. To accept them for who they are. To trust them to accept you. You choose to work through the tough stuff that inevitably will happen and to forgive the really hurtful things your spouse inevitably will do. You choose to talk about things that are hard to discuss because otherwise they'll pull you apart, and sometimes to shut up when you've talked about something enough.

A solid partnership can be the foundation on which everything else you do is built, so you must make it your top priority at least some of the time, and always when it needs to be. Marriage is something you choose, not every six months, but every single day. That choice can sustain you throughout the rest of your life.

Article by Minda Zetlin/28 Aug 2017 culled from FlipDigest.

9 Reasons why mature men should date women their own age

Age may be nothing but a number, but nonetheless, it’s a sensitive subject. It’s a particularly complicated issue when it comes to dating.

A study has published findings that suggest the stereotype of older men finding younger women more attractive may not reflect reality and is in fact “too crude”.

According to reseacher Jan Antfolk of Abo Akademi University in Turku, men are also attracted to women their own age, and their preferences mature. Antfolk also stresses that neither men nor women base their romantic choices on age alone.

“Some older men have a strong preference for younger women, but most tend to also find older women attractive,” he told CBS News. “An interesting finding is that as men age, they become less picky about age. They report an interest in both younger and older women.”

In which case, some men may be missing a trick by only dating younger women. So without further ado, here’s 9 reasons why men over 50 should consider dating women their own age…

1. You will be at a similar stage in life

Couples who retire together often appear to have the most enviable of lifestyles. As a mature dater, if you date a woman your own age, you will have more scope to plan your dream retirement together - as it’s a phase of life you are likely to be entering at a similar time. You may have around the same level of fitness, and be a more even match when it comes to your favourite pursuits.

2. You can grow old together

Although it’s not a nice thought, there’s the obvious consideration that a younger partner could take on the role of a carer rather than a partner in your later years, and may even resent you for it as a result.

Dating a woman your own age also means that should you commit to each other, she is unlikely to outlive you for many years and go on to experience loneliness without you or look to return to dating to seek a new partner.

3. Mature women are attractive

According to AskMen.com, many men are drawn to older women. Their independence is attractive, and they’re less likely to be needy or clingy. They have a clear sense of who they are and what they want, which can be a real turn-on.

4. She'll appreciate you for who you are

According to the Mature Dating UK blog, this is a significant reason why dating a woman your own age is a savvy choice. “As we age, our bodies change and we become self-conscious,” it states. “When you date a woman your own age, she’s going through the same body changes.”

Even if you look and feel younger than your years at this point in time, there will come a time when this will change - and women in your own age bracket may be more likely to appreciate you for who you are as the years go by.

5. You will have more life experiences in common

Years add up to contribute to your psychological development, and it’s clear that those of a similar age often - although of course not always - have a similar level of maturity. Dating a woman your own age means that you are more likely to be in a similar place emotionally.

6. You’ll share the same cultural references and hobbies

You are more likely to appreciate the same films, music, books and activities as a woman your own age. You will perhaps have a more similar world view, and enjoy reflecting on the years gone by together - making the transition from first-date conversation to pillow chat a little smoother.

7. You will have a more equal partnership

A woman your own age has lived her own life previously. You can challenge each other and support each other, rather than taking on the role of a mentor.

You can rest assured that status and finance are lesser factors contributing to her commitment to you.

8. You can spoil each other’s younger family members together

If you’re dating over 50 or if you’re a mature dater, it’s likely that you or many of the women you come across will have children or even grandchildren. If both of you have grandchildren, it means that helping your children to look after them and taking on the role of doting grandparent could be a real joy.

9. You may have more mutual friends

Although of course people of all ages move in each others social circles, those of a certain age do tend to socialise together. You may find that if you date a woman your own age, it is easier for her to integrate into your established friendship groups, and you in turn are less daunted when it comes to getting to know her friends.

Article by Telegraph Reporters culled from Telegraph