Take care of your
relationship, and fall in love all over again.
1. If your goal is to
have a satisfying marriage with longevity, make sure you are accountable for
the part you play in the relationship — good or bad. When you are in denial
about your part in the relationship then you are no better than a child
flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for
your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your
partner in a mature, intimate way. - Carin Goldstein, LMFT
2. Research
consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing
oxytocin. Hold hands, rub shoulders, hug, kiss, give high-fives or even
fist-bumps or bottom pats. When you give a quick hug or kiss, try to lengthen
it to at least 5 or 10 seconds for more effective results! - Lori Lowe, MA
3. Learn how to agree
to disagree. No two people agree on everything, and that's okay, but it's
important to be okay with each other's differences. - Lee Bowers, LP, PhD
4. Sometimes it's not
about the amount of money you spend on a gift; it's about the thought that goes
into something. Take the time to write a thoughtful note every so often saying
what you love and appreciate about him/her. Drop it in his/her briefcase or
purse so he/she will find it unexpectedly and it will brighten up his/her day.
- Suzanne K. Oshima, Dating Coach
5. For men, it's
important to understand that women want to be listened to. Men don't need to
solve or fix everything; listening itself is an exceptional gift. For women,
it's important to understand that men need time for themselves. By giving him
space to pull away and not taking it personally, you allow him to reconnect
with his desire for you and his commitment to the relationship. - MarsVenus
Coaching, Life Coach
6. The biggest waste of
effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you
have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself. When you try
to change your spouse you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message
that 'who you are is not enough.' Nobody likes getting that message, and it leads
to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and focus on
changing yourself. - Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach
7. See problems —
boredom in the bedroom, lack of conversations, resentment — as symptoms and
treat those symptoms just as you would treat a chronic illness that seemingly
has no cure. Throw at it every possible remedy you've got, no matter how
alternative or weird it seems. Chances are one or more of them will actually
work and your marriage will get stronger and stronger. - Alisa Bowman,
Relationship Coach
8. Next time you argue
with your partner, drop the shaming, blaming, needing to be right, and really
listen without interrupting. Then communicate how you feel, using "I"
statements. It's not your partner's job to read your mind, guess what you're
thinking, or put words into your mouth. These are huge obstacles to open,
honest communication and will guarantee resentment, anger, and frustration in
the relationship. - Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT
9. In order to strengthen
your marriage, learn to recognize that most arguments have shared
responsibility, that both people have valid points and valid reasons for their
feelings.- Kathy Morelli, LPC
10. Fair is not a four
letter word. You may have forgotten about fairness, but now's the time to bring
it back into your relationship. Are you both being fair when it comes to
divvying up chores, communicating your needs, expressing dissatisfaction,
dealing with finances, parenting, and supporting one another? If not, how can
you improve and bring fairness back to the relationship? - Lisa Steadman,
Dating and Relationship Coach
11. Nothing is more
important in a marriage than the relationship between husband and wife. When
other things become more important, such as careers, children, and personal
pursuits, trouble sets in. Make the relationship your top priority. When you
do, the marriage flourishes. - Cathy Meyer, CPC, MCC
12. Are you creating
more pleasurable interactions in your marriage or are you making it painful or unpleasant
for your spouse? If your spouse treats you with kindness, gentleness, patience
and self-control, it's easy for you to respond kindly. If you are treated
badly, with anger, impatience, etc., it's difficult to be nice in return. Focus
on how you can be a blessing to your spouse and, in turn, you will be blessed
and so will your marriage. - Mack Har
13. Never begin a
sentence with the word 'you'. Instead start with the word "I" and
then share your feelings instead of your thoughts. This is not as easy as it
sounds because we all disguise a lot of thoughts as feelings, as in "I
feel like you are avoiding me." Genuine feelings are sad, angry, happy,
lonely, frustrated, etc ... and sharing your core feelings creates better
communication, and more connection and compassion. - Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM
14. Change your focus
to one of learning to appreciate your partner. - Michelle Poll, CPC, MA
15. Let go of criticism
and blame. Focus on what there is to appreciate about your mate, then honestly
and spontaneously express your specific appreciation to them. It's also good to
do this for yourself. - Judith Joyce, Life Coach
16. Never lose the fine
art of dating. Setting aside a romantic evening on a regular basis can rekindle
the magic of a long-term relationship. It doesn't have to be fancy, just
special time for the two of you to remember how and why you first fell in love.
- John Sovec, LMFT
17. Have regular times,
even if it's just for 15 minutes, to check in on your relationship and what you
appreciate about each other. No talk about kids, schedules, etc. allowed. -
Mary Kay Aide, MS
18. Love your marriage
by first taking care of yourself. So many of my patients say the reason their
marriage fell apart is that they became depressed and disinterested in their
partner. If you keep working on you, your marriage will stay fresh and vital.
Start today by adding a new wedding vow to your list: Promise to take care of
yourself so you will continue to age with grace and confidence by your
partner's side. - Mary Jo Rapini, LPC
19. Recognize that your
husband or wife is mirroring back to you who you are. So take whatever you're
upset with him/her about and use it to help yourself look squarely at what you
need to do in order to grow and evolve—the relationship will thrive! - Ilene
Dillon, LCSW, LMFT
20. Take time to have
some fun together every day! With today's hectic schedules, it's easy to find
your marriage at the bottom of the priority list. Take a walk and hold hands
(nature calms), couple-cook (food fight!), exercise together (tennis or dancing
maybe?) or just collect a "Daily Joke" to share. It doesn't have to
be expensive, but if you make the commitment and effort to laugh together as
often as possible, it can sweeten your connection and cement your relationship
for life. - Melodie Tucker, CPC
21. Before you get mad
or assign blame, take a breath and ask your partner for his or her perspective.
For instance, it's your spouse's job to walk the dog in the morning, but you
discover dog poop on the kitchen floor and cleaning it up makes you late for
work. Instead of immediately placing blame, saying something like, "I'm
puzzled about what happened with Spot this morning," is a gentle way to
start a conversation. - Jean Fitzpatrick. L.P
22. Make a list of three
of the happiest moments in your marriage. Spend a few minutes each day briefly
reliving those moments in your mind. The results will amaze you. - Lucia,
Dating Coach
23. You can change your
relationship for the better by increasing the use of the following statements:
"I love you", "I'm here for you", "I understand",
"I'm sorry", "Thank you", "I really appreciate all
that you do", "It's so nice to see you", "That was quite an
accomplishment!" - Gina Spielman
24. Appreciate your
partner at least five times each day. Appreciate them from your heart about who
they are at their essence. Leave gratitude in love notes, hide them so they
will find them, or look deeply into their eyes and tell them. Be creative! -
Linda Marie, RN, BSN
25. In order to keep
the spark alive and avoid "roommate syndrome," couples have to
understand the notion of spending "time" together versus creating
"sacred" time together. Spending time at social events, time with
family and doing "chores" together does not count as sacred time.
Instead, carve out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that
you continue to share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring
someplace new, or arranging a stay-cation in your own city. - Marni Battista,
CPC
26. Compliment your spouse
everyday! A compliment is a sign of acknowledgment and appreciation. Make an
effort to affirm your spouse's value in life, and in love. - Nicole Johnson,
Dating and Relationship Coach
27. Create a clear
vision of your shared future together. Sit down, listen to each other and write
out how you want your future as a couple to look. It's much easier to create
your best relationship together if both people's needs are voiced, heard and
supported by their partner. - Eve Agee, PhD
28. Censor every impulse
to blame or criticize your partner. Do everything you can to support your
partner's well-being, and respect your partner as you would your best friend. -
John Gerson, Ph.D
29. You need to date
your mate. Date night is sacred and special and should be on the same day of
the week every week. One week the wife should suggest the date idea and the
husband should come up with the date night plan for the opposite week. This
encourages both the husband and wife to be invested in date night. - Julie
Spira, Dating and Relationship Coach
30. Learn and practice
Tantra. - Judith Condon
31. Communication and
time together are the keys to strengthening your marriage. Impossible to
imagine one without the other! - Lori Edelson, LMSW, LMFT
32. One of the most
important factors in a good marriage is respect. Respect each other, avoid
verbal abuse, and keep insults to yourself. Bad words are just like squeezing
toothpaste out of its tube — once it is out you can never get it back in again.
- Georgia Panayi, MBA
33. Set aside 10
minutes a day to talk to your partner. Ask what her favorite movie is and why,
ask him to recall a happy memory from childhood, ask her what she'd like to be
remembered for, ask him to name the three worst songs of all time. Do it at
dinner, before bed, or anytime—as long as you do it for 10 minutes every day.
This simple change infuses relationships with new life. - Dr. Terri Orbuch,
Ph.D
34. You can have
control or you can have connection with your partner, but you can't have both.
Pursue connection! - Lee Horton, Ph.D
35. Every week if
possible, go out on a date just like you did before you were married. Select an
activity where the two of you can interact, talk, and just be together enjoying
each other's company (not a movie!). End your date in the bedroom. Works like a
charm! - Ann Robbins, CRC
36. Couples often lose
each other because of their busy lives: work, children, computers, and separate
male/female activities. A healthy marriage is one that has a mix of individual,
family, and couple time. The amount of each may be different for each couple,
but the mix is necessary to keep a functional marriage. - Michele Seligman
LCSW, BCD
37. Our brains are the
only organ in the human body which do not self regulate, but need to be in
connection with another brain for healing. Sit face-to-face and gaze into your
lover's eyes in order to allow the limbic system to relax. This will bring you
closer and create the deepest sort of intimacy. - Mary Kay Cocharo, LMFT
38. When you first see
each other at the end of your respective days, before you do anything else,
hold each other without speaking for at least 60 seconds. By doing so you
remind each other's old/reptilian brains that you are a source of pleasure and
comfort. It's simple, it's easy to do, and it will make a world of difference.
- Laura Marshall, LCSW
39. Preface important
communication with a simple yet effective introduction. Try: "Honey, I'm
confused about your response to my plans for a weekend hunting trip with the
guys. When would be a good time to talk further?" My relationship coaching
clients have found that prefacing their remarks encourages a better, more
accommodating reaction from their partner. - Greg R. Thiel, MA
40. On those
ever-important date nights, remember to be a wife first and a critic second.
Every time you open your mouth to complain about something — whether it's the
food, the service, the movie, the weather, whatever — some part of your partner
feels he's failing because you aren't having a great time. Men are happiest
when they can please their woman! Save the full critique for your girlfriends
and in meantime, let him see the best in you. - Delaine Moore, Dating and
Relationship Coach
41. Lean in. When it
gets hard in a relationship, our tendency is to protect ourselves, to retreat,
to "lean out." Leaning out when your partner reaches out creates
distance and dissonance. If instead you "lean in" to the
uncomfortable feelings, to the unknown and your own vulnerability, and meet
your partner, you can actually strengthen your relationship through the
struggles you face together. - Christine Arylo, Life Coach
42. Accept your partner
exactly as they are today. Don't try to change him/her. - Ellen Hartson
43. When your partner
tells you something (about you) that is bothering him, reflect back what he is
saying. When we "mirror", this helps us not feel as defensive and
allows us the opportunity to better understand what he is trying to
communicate. - Anne Crowley, Ph.D
44. The best way to
strengthen a marriage is to support and assist each other in being the best you
can be. A strong marriage is one in which both people understand that the other
person needs to have outside interests and activities which help them to feel
happy and fulfilled. A strong marriage is one where both people understand that
it is more important to be happy than it is to be right. - Dr. Joe Amoia
45. Have you lost that
loving feeling? Step 1: Write down 10 qualities you loved about your partner
when you first met and read it to each other. Step 2: Brainstorm a list of 10
fun things you did together when you first met; do one date per week and enjoy
bringing back that loving feeling! - Tasha Dimling, Dating Coach, MBA
46. You're entitled to
the occasional bad mood. You're not entitled to make your partner the whipping
boy. - Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW
47. A strong marriage
is a partnership in trust. Trust your partner in everything, including
purchases and financial decisions, and to bring up things with you that need a
joint decision. If you can't do that, the two of you have a problem. - Donald
Pelles, Ph.D., CHt
48. Always remember
that life is long. In the heat of the moment, what feels super-important will
likely fade in importance as time goes by. Before you react by yelling, tossing
insults or unkind words, remember that "This, too, shall pass". In
fact, recent studies have shown that even the most unhappiest of couples report
being very happy five years later. So don't let one unfortunate incident,
difficult argument or challenging moment destroy your lifetime of happiness. -
Melanie Gorman, MA
49. A woman needs her
partner to spend time giving her his full attention and looking directly into
her eyes. When she receives this, she can easily get in touch with her feelings
of love for her husband and becomes much more receptive to his needs. This is
how intimacy can be fulfilling for both people ... magical even! - Linda
Wiggins, Executive Director for RelationSync
50. Use
character-related words that honor your spouse for such qualities as patience,
helpfulness, courage, or kindness. Create regular opportunities for fun,
laughter, and positive experiences. Figure out what communicates love to each
other and do that. Be observant and thoughtful with little things and even do
chores that the other dislikes. Consciously doing what opens and softens your
spouse's heart will benefit you both in the long-run and keep your marriage
happier. - Susanne Alexander
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