Effect of Alcohol on Marriage

According to the Random House Dictionary of the English Language (1996), alcoholism is defined as a disease condition due to the excessive use of alcoholic beverages. While Silvertein in his book 'Alcoholism' (1990) gives three criteria that the American Psychiatric Association listed for physicians to diagnose alcoholism as follows:

1. Physiological problems, such as hand tremors and blackouts.
2. Psychological problems, such as an obsessive desire to drink.
3. Behavioral problems that disrupt social or work life.

Traditionally, addiction is defined as being possible only to a psychoactive substance (for example alcohol, tobacco, or drugs), which is ingested, crosses the blood-brain barrier, and alters the natural chemical behavior of the brain temporarily. Alcoholism can be of any age, background, income level, social, or ethnic group. Even the highly educated people are not spared. An alcoholic can totally disrupt family life and can cause harmful effects that can last a lifetime. Parental alcoholism may affect the fetus even before a child is born. Because crime and violence are associated with alcoholism, incest and battering are common in alcoholics' families. Male alcoholics are wife beaters.

"Alcoholism also has other negative effects on the spouse of an alcoholic. The spouse may have feelings of hatred, self-pity, avoidance of social contacts, and may suffer exhaustion and become physically and mentally ill." (Berger, 1993) Peter and Esther Jones lived with their four children in Lagos. Sadly, however, Peter's alcoholism caused the home to break up. He returned home virtually every night so drunk that he would turn the volume of both their radio and television sets to the highest levels. When his wife appealed to him to turn down the volume so as not to disturb the sleeping children and neighbors, he got her beaten up mercilessly. Ant time she demanded for money to buy food for the family, he claimed he had no money.

This was the routine with Peter and Esther until; she decided to take the easy way out. One fateful morning, she left home, and never returned. Peter never realized that he had lost his wife forever. He returned home everyday, expecting to see that she had come back to him. But as it gradually dawned on him that she would never come home to him again, he became so overwhelmed that he increased his drinking. On his way home one night after his drinking spree, he was knocked down by a hit-and-run driver and he died later in the hospital.

The four children were thus left to themselves. Neighbors helped the much they could but they could not live on their good grace forever. Soon enough, the eldest child, a girl, got involved with a notorious criminal in the neighborhood who offered to help her bear some of her burdens at home. The second girl ran away from home nobody knew where she was. The only boy soon started moving around with delinquents in the area and ended up living in the street. He became a street urchin. The third girl and the last child died while committing an abortion.

Alcohol affects each member of the family – from the unborn child to the alcoholic's spouse. Its devastating effects result in not only physical problems for the alcoholics, but also may result in physical and psychological problems for other members of the family as stated above. In some cases this problem has led to divorce and its unpleasant consequences. Alcohol impairs judgment, memory, concentration and coordination, can induce extreme mood swings and emotional outbursts. This is why an alcoholic is totally unpredictable. Alcohol acts as a sedative on the central nervous system, depressing the nerves cells in the brain, dulling, altering and damaging their ability to respond. Large doses of alcohol has the potential to cause sleep, anesthesia, respiratory failure, and in extreme cases coma and death. Long term drinking may result in permanent mental disorders and addiction to alcohol.

Alcohol affects effective functioning of the brain especially alertness and the ability to make quick decisions and engaging in complex tasks. So do not drive after drinking; many people have died because of this. Do not operate machines including generators after drinking, you can cause costly accidents. Do not teach your children after drinking; you may never regain your respect.

Some other effects on the central nervous system include impaired visual ability, unclear hearing, dull smell and taste, loss of pain perception, slower reactions, altered sense of time and space, and impaired motor skills and slurred speech. Alcohol distorts vision and the ability to adjust to lights. It diminishes the ability to distinguish between sounds and to perceive their direction. Alcohol can also lower resistance to infection. The body gets rid of alcohol mainly by the action of the liver enzymes that convert it into products that can be passed out in urine. The bodies of some alcoholics have enhanced this function and can tolerate more alcohol than light drinkers and teetotalers. However heavy may cause inflammation and destruction of liver cells, leading to cirrhosis (irreversible lesions, scarring and destruction of liver) it impairs the liver's ability to remove yellow pigment resulting in skin appearing yellow (jaundiced).. Liver damage causes fluid to build in extremities (Edema). The liver accumulates fat over a period of time, due to the prolonged drinking which can cause liver failure. Think of the high cost of medical attention that will be required when sickness has set in on the budget of the family.

Abuse of alcohol weakens the heart muscle and its ability to pump. The heart can be enlarged or abnormal and beat irregularly as a result. Blood pressure is increased with all the attendant problems such as risk of heart attack and strokes and the potential to inhabit the production of white and red blood cells. Alcohol interferes with the body's ability to absorb calcium resulting in bones being weak, soft and brittle. Muscles become weaker and could shrink in size or waste away (atrophy). Alcohol affects the functioning of some of the hormones in our bodies. For example, it inhibits anti-diuretic hormone (ADH) and makes you want to urinate frequently (diuresis). Sexual functioning can be impaired, resulting in impotence and infertility which can be irreversible. Women that abuse alcohol have been known to have the potential to develop breast cancer.

Drinking during pregnancy significantly increases the chance of delivering a baby with fetal Alcoholic Syndrome; small head, possible brain damage, abnormal features, poor muscle tone, sleep and speech disorders and retarded growth and development. Because alcohol circulates to all parts of the body, it affects the action of many drugs and chemicals in the body. Alcohol changes the functioning of cell membranes and the functioning of drug receptors on cell membranes and affects the way nerves and muscle fibers function. For this reason, it can be said to be a two-edge sword. It can prevent the action of good and desirable drugs. It can also prevent the action of bad and undesirable poisons.

Alcohol loosens the mouth and makes the person say things he shouldn't have said in sober mood. This can make the alcoholic easily get into trouble. This also makes him prone to telling lies in order to get out of trouble.

Tips on How to Raise Successful Children

Children need love and protection and proper training in the first instance as they are vulnerable, helpless little creatures who are not capable and equipped to look after themselves. They have not yet developed into full maturity as to know the how of doing things for themselves and taking care of themselves and situations. Therefore these beautiful and innocent little angels need love and protection for the following reasons:

• Their psychological, spiritual and physical wellbeing.
• Happiness and joy.
• Safety and security.
• Inner strength, confidence and high self-esteem.
• A life free of worries.
• Securing a bright future.

Show love and care to your children. Love and admiration are built security in children. They need to be told continually that you love them that you admire their character, the good choices they make and their good attitudes .However, words are not enough. You must back words with actions. If a child knows that you love and admire him, he will then accept the fact that when you discipline him it is for his own good. He will realize that you have his best interest at heart.

Make sure you send your children to school, because knowledge is power. This will be the best legacy you leave behind. When they are properly educated they can always be able to take care of themselves.
-Spend time with your children. Today many parents spend too little time with their children. Many of them are very busy earning money and buying expensive gifts for their children; yet when those children become teenagers, many turn to alcohol, sex and drugs to satisfy their empty feelings created by lack of parental love. When both parents decode to work, they hire a girl to care for their children, but the girl cannot give them parental love. When the children become teenagers, they may get into trouble that then the parents will feel how they wished they could turn the clock back and spend more time with their children. Some day these parents who place materialism before their children will ask themselves, "Where have we gone wrong? We gave them everything." Children need material things no doubt, but they need the emotional security of love and admiration more. So find ways to spend time with your children even if it means earning less money. The most fulfilling job on earth is the job of being good parents.

Teach your children the words of God as directed in Deuteronomy 6:6-7, "Teach my law to your children. Teach them when you sit in your house, and when you walk along the road, and when you lie down, and when you rise up." Direct them to the scripture when they have problems and buy Christian books for them to read. There are many books written to guide and counsel children.

Bring up your children in a happy home. I have never known a child who grew up in an unhappy home being the best of behavior or the one who thought his home was a prison. When there is love between their father and mother they will know it. Therefore love each other a husband and wife so that they can conveniently say, "Dad and mom love each other, and they love us too. We can feel safe."

Teach by example. Children and teenagers learn more by what you do, than by what you say. If you are wrong, you should apologize so that you encourage this same trait in your children. Some parents behave one way and expect their children to behave differently. For example, the father who comes home drunk most times shouting at the son for using marijuana, or the mother quarreling with her children about poor driving, but she has just gotten a ticket herself for speeding.

Praise your children for whatever they do well and punish when they disobey. However, praise more than you punish. The three areas of discipline are progressive. First educate, then warn, and the correct. When correction is necessary it should not be done in a public place or In front of guests, or in front of the child's friends. Always try to be alone with your child to discipline. Remember that your objective is to bring the will of the child into submission so he will learn obedience, but not to break his spirit. 

Show interest in your children's activities. Attend their school functions when you can. If he plays football, attend the games, it will serve as a source of encouragement. Children will pretend they understand when you can't attend school functions, but it is disappointing to them when everyone's parents were there, and their own are not.

Keep communication open with them when they are young, and you will not find yourself outside their lives as they mature. During their teens is the most challenging age of children. They are no longer children and yet they are not adults. Emotionally they are unstable, with the girls beginning their periods and the boys coping with changing in bodies like developing deeper voices and growing bears. Their greatest need at this time is self-confidence. They require great understanding and patience and these come by way of love and acceptance.

Don't over protect your children. Don't take their side against authorities if your children are wrong. But don't side against them either. Assume the posture that they remain innocent until proven guilty. Trust them, but if they betray the trust, then punish them. Love your children but hate their wrong deeds.

As parents, it is your duty to teach your children to work. Boys need to be taught to do household repairs. Part-time jobs are important to teach the young person responsibility, initiative and submission to authority, and also to teach prudence. They are more likely to have a better respect for their spending of money if they work for it themselves. Boys should also learn how to do some domestic jobs like cooking and housecleaning. They will need the experience when they leave home and live alone or when their wives become ill after they are married. Teaching your children the value of money is a bit difficult to do when they believe you can afford to give them just about anything they want. But it is equally very important you don't make the serious mistake of indulging them. The girls should e taught to cook, sew, clean, shop, iron and even bake cake etc. they should be taught how to be good wives and mother. And the best to begin is when they are young.

Children learn manners by observing, but if you have children who are not very observant, you will have to make a special effort to teach them manners. This is best done at a young age. The girls need to be taught to be feminine and to behave in a manner that inspires boys to be courteous to them.

Pay special attention to your children's hygiene habits. An attractive person will be noticed, even sought after, without being unnecessarily loud.

11 Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble And What to do About it

When things are going right between you and your partner, you can feel it and you will equally feel it when all is not well. When all is well you’re happy when you are together; you support each other; you think and talk about each other in positive ways even when you’re not together. And when things aren’t going well, you say negative things about each other.

In the beginning of your relationship, you likely overlooked your partner’s weaknesses and vice versa. Now, months or years after marriage, it’s getting harder and harder to do that. Maybe the arguments are becoming more frequent or more escalated, or one partner shuts down whenever there’s conflict. In many cases, couples become detached and eventually lose fondness, admiration, and love for one another over time. A healthy intimate relationship is built on trust and intimacy which involves sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes. Here are eleven signs that your relationship may be in jeopardy.


Constant criticism

Do you often criticize your partner for the way he dresses, drives, eats, speaks or even breathes? Criticism is a destructive relationship habit. Criticism means putting down your partner’s character or behavior. Constant criticism is a strong sign that your relationship is in a downward spiral; it is also a sign of underlying anger or insecurity—neither of which makes a relationship work well. Instead of criticism, healthy couples explain how they feel and make direct requests, so if you want to rid your relationship of criticism, ask your partner for what you want directly. A man confessed to Dale Carnegie, “I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness the only things that matter much after all.” Stop criticizing your partner because if you continually harp on the negative characteristics of each other, leaving out all the positive qualities you each possess, then it’s going to be hard for the relationship to succeed.

Lack of trust

When your partner gets home late and forgets to call, do you automatically think he doesn’t love you? When your partner arrives home late, you’re likely to be cold because you believe that person has wronged you, when in fact the truth may be that he was merely stuck in traffic or closed late in his office. Where does your husband spend most of his time? At work, at home, or hanging out with friends? Does he seem happy to see you and eager to come home to you at the end of the day? Sometimes men just need a break. This is not indicative of dissatisfaction with a relationship. But if this continues for a long time, this is a sign that there’s lack of trust in the relationship, which could ultimately mean failure. It might spell disaster for your relationship.

Sexless relationship

Are your needs for sexual intimacy vastly different or sexual relationship lacking? Few sexless relationships go the distance. Every man has certain level of sexual needs. A lack of regular intimacy in a marriage is a bad sign. So if one or both of you is failing to have your most basic emotional needs addressed by your partner, then that is a definite sign that your relationship may be in jeopardy. So boost up physical affection and sex because sex is the glue that binds. Karol Ladd wrote, “Genesis 2:22-24 tells us, a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and the two become one flesh. Sexual union has great significance in God’s plan for marriage. …Sex is not reward –something we can give or withhold in order to control, manipulate, or show our husbands we are hurt about something.”

Tendency to focus on objectionable traits

The way you begin your discussion can also predict the likelihood of your relationship lasting or failing. When you two talk about how things are going between you, do you start out with negative statement? If so, your relationship might be in trouble. Is the focus always on what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. If yes, this is a sure sign that your relationship is on the rocks. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict and struggle from time to time so you two should try to resolve whatever difficulties you face together because in their contacts with others, couples tend to discover those traits that they look for. When a wife tends to look for objectionable features in her husband’s personality, she is sure to find them, for very personality includes not only favorable traits, but certain unfavorable ones.

Extreme contemptuousness

Contempt is any form of disrespect or ridicule. When couples are contemptuous, they treat each other disrespectfully, ridicule each other, engage in name-calling, speak sarcastically or any other communication meant to show disgust, disregard or disdain. If this is happening in your relationship, it’s a big red flag. Healthy couples think in terms of other-appreciation and self-responsibility. Dennis and Barbara Rainey wrote, “Whether the storms of life by turning toward one another and building into each other rather than rejecting one another.

Having selfish expectations

Ideally, a relationship is made up of two individuals who work to achieve a balance. On the one hand, each of you wants to make sure that your partner’s needs are being met. You should be willing to compromise, even when it goes against your own comfort, because if each of you is demanding too much attention, ordering the other around, and insisting on having your way every time a disagreement arises, then that’s a problem. Search for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way when you have a disagreement. Mark Twain remarked, “Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.” The excessive self-assertion at the expense of the rights of others is wrong. Try to figure out the other person’s good points. If you stop thinking about yourself for a while and begin to think of your partners’ good points, your marriage will be blissful. Happiness is a byproduct of life. It comes as the result of living actively and unselfishly. It comes as you learn to spend your energies in the interests and for the benefit of someone else. It comes from focusing your attention on those things which are wholesome and desirable rather than looking for things which are unpleasant and disappointing.

Permanent conflict

It is right and proper that every husband or wife should hope and strive toward making his family the happiest family in the world. But Michael J. McManus wrote, “Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how it is handled.” Again, there’s nothing wrong with arguing. All couples do. And conflict, when it’s handled in a way that is respectful, relationship can still succeed. But if you feel that all you and your partner do is argue, that’s a problem. A healthy relationship is full of laughter, gratitude, kindness, and respect. If conflict is crowding out cordial relationship and leaving you with nothing but constant squabbling, then it’s going to be tough to build a meaningful and blissful relationship. Nurture fondness and admiration for your partner: Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with his flaws.

You are always defensive

Defensiveness means automatically defending your position. You’re dealing with defensiveness if you always feel like you have to defend yourself in an argument with your partner, or if your partner is always on the attack, even when there is no need. Defensiveness spells trouble and possibly the end of the road. Defensiveness can be regarded as making excuses for your behavior, changing the subject to what your partner did wrong, or justifying your behavior. Instead of being defensive, healthy couples try to see the others’ point of reasoning.

A frank apology, when indicated, does more to ensure the respect and devotion of the spouse than does any attempt to ignore an injustice.

Frequent Jealousy

Do not immediately become jealous and totally freak him out if you are suspicious because if you’re wrong, you will cause hurt feelings, make him angry, and instigate a huge unwarranted fight. There has to be a high level of trust for any relationship to work. You need to know that when you are together, you don’t have to worry about what your partner is up to. If you find yourself always wondering if your partner can be trusted, then that will be a huge hurdle for your relationship to overcome. Likewise, if your partner refuses to trust you even though you have given him no reason to doubt you, that’s another sign that the relationship is headed in a dangerous direction.

Your arguments get out of control

Conflict in any relationship is natural, but when fights start to escalate quickly and get dirty, including shouting, name-calling and blaming, it’s a sign your relationship is in jeopardy. You argue about the same things over and over again and never seem to reach a compromise. Couples who are happy together and likely to stay that way are not as prone to escalation of argument as partners who are on rocky ground. When you disagree you seldom resolve your differences; you fall into the trap of blaming each other and fail to compromise or apologize. As a result, you experience less warmth and closeness. Practice resolving conflicts as they arise. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship.

That’s not to say we should never argue with our spouses. There are times to stand up for what we want or need. There are times to bring up a hurt or frustration and discuss it. If a particular issue is going to continue to bother us, we shouldn’t overlook it. It is better to discuss a matter than to allow it to fester and grow into a bigger problem. Making your partner aware of your interests, needs, and desires is healthy. But creating war over interests, needs, and desires is, more often than not, both unhealthy and unnecessary.

You stonewall

“Stonewalling” refers to one partner withdrawing from interaction, shutting down and closing himself off from the other. This could occur in the form of giving your partner the silent treatment, walking away, leaving the house, refusing to talk, or abusive mutterings. When you see it happening, it is a sign that the relationship will end soon. The solution to “stonewalling” is self-awareness and self-control when you are too upset to speak constructively, but would be willing to come back to the conversation after you have calmed down. For peace to reign, listen to his point of view and avoid stonewalling by shutting yourself off from communication.

Conclusion

If you are experiencing any of the above-mentioned signs in your relationship, then it is headed toward disaster, but fear not. You can reverse your path. Awareness is paramount – so talk to your partner about your concerns and see if you can do something about it. Harold Shryock wrote, “It is with marriage as with other phases of life –the end results are determined by the amount of wisdom and effort expended. When two persons agree in their determination to leave nothing in the way of their developing a happy home, there is very little chance of their being disappointed. It must be realized, however, that such a happy state of affairs is not a simple coincidence; it demands active effort on the part of both husband and wife.” The best way to create a relationship built on love, trust, and intimacy is to take responsibility for your own actions and to practice acceptance and compassion for your partner.

Why Husband and Wife Should be Best Friends

Husbands and wives who want their #marriages to be enduring and endearing must be #friends. Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll wrote, “All the talk about spending time and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, #repenting and #forgiving can be summed up in one word –#friendship.”

Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual #respect for and #enjoyment of each other’s likes, dislikes, #personality quirks, hopes, and #dreams. They have as abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. Friendship fuels the flames of #romance because it offers the best protection against feeling of adversarial toward to your spouse. Ann Landers wrote, "Love is a #friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual #confidence, sharing, and forgiving. It is a #loyalty through good and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowance for human #weaknesses."

At times your marriage may be strained, but because of the friendship you’ll still remain together. True friendship involves healthy #conflict. The husband is the head of #family, but also a considerate friend. Friendship is an integral part of marriage and a safeguard against #emotional adultery. Emotional #adultery is having as your close friend someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

To make conservation, to share a #joke, to perform mutual act of #kindness, to read #together well-written books, to share in trifling and in serious matters, to #disagree through without animosity –just as a person debates with himself and the very rarity of #disagreement to find the salt of normal #harmony, to teach each other something or to learn from one another, to long with #impatience for those absent, to welcome them with #gladness on their arrival.

Marital friendship requires both the husband and #wife to willing to invest what it takes to be a good #friend. Friendship is costly in everything –time, energy, #emotion, and sometimes #money. Those who want their #spouses to be friends without seeking to be good friends in return are #selfish and demanding. And those who want to be good #friends but do not help their spouses reciprocate are prone to be taken advantage of, abused, neglected, and suffer from their marriages.

Sometimes we try hard to make some people our friends while neglecting who should be your best friend –your #spouse. What I believe it means for couples to be FRIENDS is:

Faithfulness

Couples should be faithful to each other. Their being together has to be a strong bond, a common sharing of experience, a dream-fulfilling romance that carries them along. All relationships go through peaks and troughs, but they should dedicate their lives to their partners’ happiness in a way, that requires focus, strength, passion, drive, enthusiasm and effort. Abandoning one’s partner to have affairs outside the marriage will not solve problem but rather aggravate it. The essence of marriage is to stay together for life and not to get divorced. Faithfulness will give us the opportunity to have a really good and strong relationship based on mutual trust, and shared happiness. In order to encourage fidelity, we have to be kind, courteous, reverential, stimulating, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and sexual.

Reciprocal

When one spouse is friendly and the other is unfriendly, the marriage is marked by selfishness and sadness. But when both spouses make deep and heartfelt commitment to continually seek to become better friends, increasing love and laughter mark the marriage.

Intimate

The easiest way to know whether couples are friends is the way they sleep. When they lie back-to-back, it is obvious that the partners are not friends but ranges from strangers to enemies. But when they lie cudgeled up or the woman in the man’s arm, it is obvious that they are friends who will work together on tasks or projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business etc.

Wives, to be a good friend, learn to spend some time with your husband in shared activity. If he’s watching a sporting event, sit down and share it with him. if he’s working on a project, long out nearby to help or at least ask questions and be a companion if nothing else. If he’s going fishing, asking if you can come sit in the boat with him just to be in his world.

Husbands to be a good friend to your wife, learn to have deeper and more intimate conservations. Keep your advice to a minimum and learn to listen to what she has to say. No wife likes feeling like a problem relationship becomes most intimate we begin to share our feelings. Spending time together.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

Empathy

The wrong we do to others and what we suffer are weighed differently. Empathy alone is a very important characteristic of a positive personality. People with empathy ask themselves this question: “How would I feel if someone treated me that way?” sympathy is, “I understand how you feel.” Empathy is, “I feel how you feel.” Both sympathy and empathy are important, but of the two, empathy is certainly more important.

Needed

God create the woman because He felt man needed to helpmate. Therefore a man needs his wife as his companion and friend. And a wife needs to be helpful according to God’s design. The more his need of his wife and her need to help him increases the faster oneness and friendship blossoms in the marriage.

Devoted

A devoted friend is #dependable through varying seasons of life. Fake friends are with us so long as they get something from us. A real #friendship is about both people giving and taking in every season without keeping a record of what is given and taken. A #fake friendship is about one #person doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking. Fake friends quickly desert us when #life with us becomes complicated, costly, inconvenient, or no longer meets their needs. It is in the darkest season of life that you know your devoted friends. In marriage, being a #devoted friend in all life’s seasons is a key to building #oneness, #intimacy, and trust.

Sincerity

Most of our dating time in spent pretending to be people we are not, and after few years of marriage, our spouses start to discover who we truly are rather than the #characters we have been acting like. The same is true for them. A #husband and wife need to accept that they are flawed person who needs loving help and patient #endurance. A spouse who only showers you with praise, never disagree with you, avoid conflict at all cost, way not be a sincere #partner. Proverbs 9:8 says, “Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a #wise man, and he will #love you.”

Conclusion

Friendship takes sacrifice. Building friendship and #relationships take sacrifice, loyalty and maturity. #Sacrifice takes going out of one’s way and never happens by the way. #Selfishness destroys friendships. Casual #acquaintances come easy but true friendships take time to build and effort to keep. Friendships are put to tests and when they endure, they grow stronger. We must learn to recognize counterfeit relationships. True friends do not want to see their friends hurt. True friendship gives more than it gets and stands by #adversity.

These Are Problems Associated With Motherhood

The joy of mothers knows no bounds when they cradle their newborn babies in their arms. No matter the pain they underwent during the delivery process, they yearn to bond with their babies immediately and look forward to the experience of motherhood. While motherhood is acknowledged as the crowning glory and privilege in being a woman, it comes with its own inherent problems which can make a new mother feel upset, like a failure and insecure about her ability to cope. Unfortunately, in some instances, the trip back from the hospital with the baby can also be the beginning of a nightmare for the new mother. The work that is involved to be a good mother is hard. It is equally long and at times thankless.

Knowing the various problems in motherhood can help prepare you when getting ready to have a baby. You can recognize the problems when they occur and find a solution or get help immediately before things get out of hand.

Stress

Motherhood comes with a lot of stress from different sources. Keeping awake to take care of a baby can be very challenging, when previously your idea of motherhood is centered on taking care of a cute and smiley little baby, now, you find out you have been saddled with a small baby who wake up in the night screaming. Exhaustion and lack of sleep coupled with a fussy baby can easily trigger such a switch in emotion. At times, it will be the constant worry that you are not doing the best job possible. You could be afraid that something will happen to your child that you are not spending enough time with the baby especially if you are a career woman, or that you are teaching him enough. You will find that you are constantly pulled between your child’s activities, your partner’s and yours.

Sometimes, the problem is compounded by the lack of help from the spouse, especially when he is not always home due to work commitments, resulting in you having to shoulder the burden of childcare on your own. This can cause resentment to build up and together with exhaustion; they become a potent combination for quarrels to take place. The downhill slide into further unhappiness and depression is but a step away in such a situation.

Career

The constant pull between your children and career may be a recurring problem of motherhood. “At some level, there is still perceived incompatibility between family and the workplace, which disadvantages mothers,” said Stanford Researcher Shelley Carrell, PhD, an associate professor of sociology. Whether you decide to go back to work or you have decided to stay at home with your children, you may harbor guilty feelings either way. A working mother may fret that she is missing her children; while a stay-at-home-mother may worry she is not contributing enough. “I left work, so there is that cut in income. There are hospital bills. My husband is working overtime. This is not even a problem. The problem is my own neurosis,” a mother complained.

Mothers looking for employment are less likely to be hired, are offered lower salaries and are perceived as being less committed to a job than fathers or women without children, according to a recent study of gender inequity in the workplace. What is more, the pay gap between mothers and childless women is actually bigger than the gap between women and men.

Inadequacy

What language is appropriate? Can I swear in front of my toddler? Can I have a beer in the presence of my young child? Can I be myself? Most mothers will have feeling of self-doubt, inferiority and inadequacy at some point in time. Have you ever been out and suddenly found yourself judged for the way you held your baby, fed your baby, dressed your baby? Even worse, have you ever had that same judgment by a complete stranger in the middle of a store? Your baby either has on too many clothes or not enough, your baby is either being held too tight or not enough, or you are not disciplining your children properly? Comparing yourself to other mothers is a big problem in motherhood. Watching other mothers who have more resources or programs on the television showing what an ideal mother should be can make you feel an inadequate mother. A 2007 PewResearchCenter report found that working mothers were harder on themselves and gave themselves worse scores for their abilities.

Identity

When you become a mother, much of your old schedule is bound to change. If you used to go nightclubbing and painting the town red, your nights may be taken over by domestic chores and childcare. If you previously work long hours, you may find it to be stressful or quit to stay home. Motherhood can skew your view of situations and you can feel lost and confused about who you really are.

Loneliness

“Being a mother can often be a lonely job,” wrote Kristin Darguzas of ParentDish.com. Being with children all day with little interaction with other adults can make you feel isolated. What is more, there is the likelihood that you will feel ostracized when your friends participate in events and you cannot attend because you have to stay with your children. While you may have a thoughtful and helpful partner, he may not be available all the time, which means you need to find ways to stay connected to other adults while fulfilling your responsibilities as a mother.

Why Should Women Prefer Playboys to Caring Men

“My name is Gerald and I'm 25 years old. Lately I've been having some issues with my fiancee and it's really starting to get to me. I'm a nice guy, with a good job, and I actually have respect for Bianca because I love her. But for some reason she has dumped me for some asshole playboy, that would never treat her half as good as I can. I just don't understand if I'm doing something wrong. I always open the car doors for her, I always offer to pay when we go out to dinner, and I’m always there when she needs me. I think I'm a pretty great catch, but I’ve been dumped and I am heart-broken! I don't understand what I'm doing wrong here. Is it true that girls only like to date bad boys? Or is there something I'm doing wrong? I'd appreciate some advice from you. Anything would be appreciated. Why do women love playboys?” he asked me.

This was what happened between them:

“You’ve not answered my question. Are you and, Desmond dating?” Gerald asked.

“I’ve told you it’s not true. It’s all lies, a figment of the writer’s imagination,” Bianca explained.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked skeptically.

“What do you mean by that? I should know who I am dating.”

“I don’t like what is happening,” Gerald complained.

“Whether you like it or not is none of my business. In fact, you are getting on my nerves with your nagging. If you don’t like the situation, you can leave,” Bianca said.

“Bianca, are you telling me to leave your house?” he asked incredulously.

“Yes, I’m sick and tired of your complaints about Desmond. Anyway, I need to rest as I have to be on location early tomorrow morning.” Picking her cell phone from the center table, she went into her bedroom.

Gerald sat alone in the living room for a few minutes, thinking she would come back. After a while, without any sign of her returning, he went home.

The following day when he called her, she was busy on set and could not speak with him. “She’s shooting some scenes right now. I’ll tell her you called,” stated an assistant on set who had her phone.

It was a week later when he was able to speak with her. “It’s like I need visa before I can see you these days,” he said.

“I’ve been busy. I’ve just finished with one production and will be starting on another soon,” she explained nonchalantly.

“So, when can I see you? Should I come and pick you up this Saturday for a date?” he asked.

“I’ll be busy with rehearsals. Maybe some other time,” she said. Actually, she had been invited to the birthday party of a popular actress whom she had worked together in a few movies and had become friendly with. She was going with Angela and Desmond, who had offered to be her date for the evening.

She enjoyed the party but it was Angela who seemed to have the most fun. “I can’t believe my eyes! So many of my favorite actors under one roof! This is paradise. My colleagues at work will be so jealous when I tell them what I’ve seen today,” she declared.

Bianca laughed at her high spirits. Taking her by the hand, she led her to the celebrant and did the introductions. Later, she left with Desmond for another bash on the Island. They were there till the early hours of the morning before leaving for Desmond’s residence.

Later that morning, Angela called to find out where she was. “I’m at Desmond’s house,” she answered. “What? What are you doing there? Aren’t you coming home?” she enquired.

“I’ll come later,” she stated quickly, before hanging up.

It was two days later before Bianca returned home. Desmond had dropped her off and after he‘d gone, Angela said, “Bianca, what is going on? Where have you been?”

“Are you that daft? Can’t you understand I’ve been with Desmond?” she countered, stretching on the couch in the living room.

“I suspected as much, but how about Gerald?”

“What about him?” Bianca retorted.

“I thought you are dating Gerald?”

“Gerald is a big boy, he’ll get over it,” Bianca said.

Angela shook her head. “I don’t know what has come over you. Anyway, I hope you know what you are doing. You know that Desmond has a bad reputation with girls. I don’t want you to be hurt,” Angela said, sitting at the arm of an armchair nearby.

“He’s hot on bed. And he’s not as bad as people think. He got that reputation because of some of the roles he plays in movies. He’s quite a nice man and I think I love him,” she stated confidently. Desmond had the reputation of being hot, good looking, scruffy... but also cocky, arrogant, inconsiderate, inattentive, and almost unfeeling… and women flock to him.

“Love? Just be careful,” Angela said, as she picked the remote to put on the TV.

As time went on, her relationship with Desmond waxed stronger. He treated her well and she was quite happy. The only problem was his relationship with other women especially his numerous fans. Because of his fame, they were always hanging around him wherever he went. This was besides all the calls and text messages they kept sending. He tried to make her understand that it was part of being a celebrity.

“You shouldn’t bother your head about them. They keep calling, begging to be with me. Do you know some even offer to pay money so they can spend time with me? There are some crazy women out there,” he stated, laughing. “But it is you I want to be with. So, don’t worry your pretty head about them,” he added, hugging her closely.

She believed him until she began to hear rumors about him with other ladies including some actresses in their industry. But whenever she confronted him about it, he would deny. “Would you rather believe in rumors or me? There is no need for you to be jealous. You should learn to trust me,” he said.

Despite his reassuring words, she still had her doubts. He had been seen with different girls in different parties and social events, she did not attend.

Spend Quality Time With Your Children

“It is always like this!” he threw his hand up. “You are never here. I am stuck with housekeepers; you are gone all the time. Now you are offering me a car; it is so unfair. It is you I need not a car. I need love and care not a bribe,” Tony told his father. He spun on his heel and headed for his room. “I hope you have a great time.” Seconds later his door slammed shut.

The twenty-year-old boy was considerably upset by his father’s constant absence from home. His attitude had been one of constant hostility, especially toward his father. Tony became rebellious and contemptuous of his parents, the generation gap grew wider, the #family drifted apart and the #household was in a state of unhappiness.

Today many parents spend too little time with their children. They are overly busy earning money. What happens when parents spend too little time with their children? Do their children say dad and mom please spend time with us? No the children do not say that unlike Tony. But they secretly wish for #mom and dad to show more interest in their welfare. This situation makes their hearts to feel empty. When they become teenagers, they may use alcohol, sex or hard drugs to satisfy their empty hearts.

Life holds many other joys besides making money, and a man may well forgo a part of his financial gains for the pleasure that he may find with his family and friends. The good things of life are rarely free. They come with a high price like abandoning your children in pursuit of money.

Children need a love-filled home. It is a pathetic scene when parents leave home before their children are awake and return when they had slept. Even after some of the children have grown to be two or three years old, they will scarcely recognize their own mothers. And the mothers, enamored with the conviction that they are doing civilization a great favor by following a career, are depriving themselves the happiness that comes into a woman’s life when she extends loving care to her child/children.

Obviously this type of mother will have very little influence if any over her child. And before she could hope to have, she would need to become acquainted with the child. And before becoming acquainted to her influence, the child would have to be shown that her love was genuine and unselfish.

It is true that a home will never be the same once the first child is born. There is, of necessity, a reorganization of the entire plan in the home. But who would want the home to remain unchanged? The coming of children is what makes a home. It adds life, vitality and color.

Some young mothers mourn over their loss of the prospect of a career. But how many career women would be more than glad to trade their accomplishments for the chance to be a mother and to receive the generous affection which only children can give.

The husband must not assume that the burden of parenthood rests entirely upon his wife. It takes both parents to provide a proper home for children. And even though he may not spend much time at home, it is as much as the husband’s home as it is the wife’s. The children are entitled to the influence of a father just as much as to that of a mother. Just as in the case of the mother to child relationship; so there are mutual #benefits to be derived from the contacts between father and children. The father should learn, through first hand experience about the problems of the home so that he can be understandingly sympathetic with his wife in her efforts to create a happy home atmosphere.

As a reward for this effort, he will receive the satisfaction that eventually comes to the man who can exult in the knowledge that his influence with his children has helped to make them what they are. The father’s influence cannot be administered by proxy. Growing children need the advantage of their father’s personal presence even more than they need the extra money which he hopes to earn by being constantly away from home. The father’s participation in his children’s play and counsel regarding their anxieties and problems gives them that confidence which is necessary to the building of well-adjusted personalities.

Even the husband must bring himself to the realization that his ways of life will be affected once he becomes a father. It is not fair for him to consider that his needs for recreation must constantly take him away from home. He may have to forgo some of the recreational activities of business associates in order to find time to spend with his family. But as the years roll by he will be happy that he chose to curtail his selfish recreations in order to share the pleasures of his own home.

The years of childhood pass so quickly that the father must be on ground constantly lest he misses the precious opportunities to spend time with his children. it is during these years that he has the opportunity to mold the outlook, ambitions, and philosophies of the children. Once the children are grown, he will have ample opportunity to resume his personal hobbies and recreations.

Mr. Williams took his four-year-old son to visit a supermarket to buy him present. Seeing the little kid with his father, one of his friends called, “Who is this little man?” Without any hesitation the small boy replied, “He is my father.” Many of fathers can understand the feeling of pride which will well up in the heart of this father which obviously will be far greater than that which could have come from having excelled in a game of tennis.

A teenage girl asked her mother why her father no longer played with her. He was fond of coming home with work to do. Her #mother fighting back tears of her own loneliness had to explain that her father loved her and that was why he was working so hard in order to provide for the family.

Your family’s happiness should not be sacrificed in the alter of material success. If the work is very tasking delegate some to your subordinates. You don’t have to do everything to the detriment of your family.

Can you remember your child’s latest report card? If so, how does it compare to the one before? When last did you show interest in your child’s school work? What was your child’s main concern? Can you remember when last you had a meaningful one-to-one conservation with your wife?

In this busy age a lot of people never seem able to find time for their families. But if you plan well, you can find the time. Work out a schedule that enables you to give attention to your family as well as your business. You will find out that the decision to give your family attention it deserves is good not only for them, but also for you.

There are times when a child wishes to take one of his parents into confidence. There may be questions that he wants answered, there may be perplexing problems on which he wants counsel, or there may be matters of a personal nature that he wants to talk about. Under these conditions he will seldom seek the counsel of both parents at the same time. Rather, he will choose between the father and the mother, confiding in the one to him that is most approachable.

What kind of relationship are you building with your children? Is it one of loving appreciation and admiration, or one of criticism? Do you take time for them only when it’s convenient or when they need you? These are things you should consider. If you take time to talk to them now, they will take time to talk to you in future. Then you are building a solid relationship with your children as the years go on that will be beneficial to the family.

In the okoye family there are two children – a girl and a boy. Before the children came the husband and wife were most congenial and found great enjoyment in life together. And this happiness continued while the children were young. But as the children grew to school age the father gradually became so absorbed in his business to earn more money that he found very little time to spend at home. Even when he managed to be at home, guests tended to monopolize his attention so that his family found themselves rather in the background. And because the father had no time to attend to them the children began to feel unloved and started to complain.

As a result, he decided that instead of being part of the family’s problems he would be part of the solution. Then Mr. Okoye changed his schedule. Still sticking to his business but now respecting his children’s opinions as well, he started practicing love in the family. He became a pleasant and lovable father. The family got together on a deeper level to the happiness of every one. He stimulated changes in others. The family became a unit wherein everybody loved and respected each other.

Talk with your children. Show them love. Listen to their problems and joys. Show interest in their activities. Attend their school functions if you can. There are two categories of parents when it comes to school functions: those who attended nearly every function and those who never attended any. They have absolutely no interest in what their children are doing or are always away in the office or business.

Just because your children are older does not mean they don’t need your approval and attention any more. Actually, they properly need it more than ever. If they don’t get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere. And this could portent danger for the family. So parent create time to attend to the needs of your children, all that is needed might not be money.