Wednesday 31 January 2018

Millions of Americans keep the same dirty secret from their partner


Some people love their money so much they don’t even tell their partner about it.
One in five people in a live-in relationship admit to “financial infidelity” — keeping a private bank account or credit card without telling a partner, according to a study released Monday by CreditCards.com. The survey of 2,000 people found 31% of millennials, 24% of people ages 38 to 53, and 17% of baby boomers have at some point had an account they keep secret from a partner.
Lying about having private accounts is actually more common than many people think, said Kimberly Palmer personal finance expert at NerdWallet. “People are often embarrassed about the money choices they are making, or they want to have a slush fund of spending money they can use without asking permission,” she said.
Although the practice may be common, that doesn’t mean it’s widely-accepted: 31% of those in a relationship think that keeping a credit card, checking account or savings account secret from a partner is worse than cheating physically. “Keeping financial secrets in a relationship, just like any other type of infidelity, is a sure-fire way to spark an argument,” Matt Schulz, senior industry analyst at CreditCards.com said.
People in relationships often have good reason to hide their financial issues: People can judgmental: 40% of Americans saying they wouldn’t date someone who had a bad credit score. Women were nearly three times as likely to consider credit score a major influence on a potential partner compared to men (20% versus 7%). More than half of Americans would not marry someone with significant debt.
Everything, of course, is relative. Financial infidelity can be defined differently by different people, Palmer says, and have varying consequences: Keeping a private credit card account so you can buy your husband gifts without his knowing is different than hiding a low credit score or thousands of dollars in debt. Because of this, couples need to be honest about their financial issues preferably before they move in together and, certainly, before they marry.
The good news: More people have the conversation about their finances before they set up house. Some 30% of couples who do not live together say they have never discussed their combined finances compared to just 11% of those who do live under the same roof. “People experiencing this need to set aside some time for an honest and difficult conversation,” Palmer said. “If you’ve been keeping secrets from your partner, it will do you both good to come clean.”
Article by Karl Paul culled from WSJ

Authoritative Parenting: What It Is and How to Apply It

Authoritative parenting is praised as one of the most effective parenting styles. Get the definition, learn about its effects and get tips on how you can apply it.
By TRACY GUTH SPANGLER 
Mom talking to son on sofa
Camille Tokerud/Getty Images
We all want to find balance in all areas of our lives, including how we take care of our kids. It turns out that the best and most effective parenting style, called authoritative parenting, focuses on just that.

What Is Authoritative Parenting?

Authoritative parenting is characterized by both high expectations and emotional responsiveness. It incorporates clear limits and fair discipline as well as warmth and support, and it’s an approach in which neither the parent nor the child has the upper hand.
In the 1960s, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind studied child-parent interaction in families with preschool-age children to determine the most common and effective parenting styles. Her groundbreaking research defined three main styles, contrasting the authoritative parent with those who are authoritarian or permissive. Authoritarian parents are highly demanding but offer little emotional support; they simply demand obedience, and are harshly critical when their kids fall short. Permissive parents are warm and loving but don’t set enough limits, and can be reluctant to make rules or follow through on punishments. The child is left with unclear boundaries and expectations and ends up regulating his or her own behavior.

What Is the Authoritative Parenting Style?

The authoritative approach is more moderate, including high standards but also nurture and responsiveness, and engaging in a relationship with the child as an independent-minded being. Authoritative parents don’t let kids get away with bad behavior; they enforce rules and have expectations. But they are also gentle and rational, explaining the reasons for the rules and the consequences for not following them, and even asking for and listening to the child’s opinions about them. According to Baumrind’s research, authoritative parenting is the optimal parenting style, based on the positive effects it has on children.
Authoritative parents share some common characteristics: They set clear and consistent limits. They have high expectations but are warm and nurturing in encouraging their kids to meet them. They listen to and talk with their children, giving them the opportunity to be independent in their thinking and actions, encouraging their opinions, and discussing options with them. They are flexible and reasonable, and their kids know this and can depend on it. When it comes to consequences when expectations aren’t met, they are fair and, again, consistent with discipline.

What Are the Effects Of Authoritative Parenting?

All of this benefits their children enormously. “There are thousands of studies showing that kids develop in healthier ways if their parents are authoritative,” says Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University specializing in child and adolescent psychological development, and the author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. “They are happier, more competent, more socially skilled and more popular as a result, and achieve more in school. They are less likely to develop emotional problems, like depression or anxiety, and less likely to develop behavioral problems, like aggression, acting out, delinquency, or substance use.” Children of authoritative parents also develop good emotional control and regulation, as well as self-confidence about learning new skills or being in new and different places and situations. They are assertive and resourceful.
The key is that authoritative parents are role models, and their kids learn these effective relational skills from them. The balance of boundaries and loving support creates a secure attachment between parent and child that benefits everyone, and the child takes these qualities into his or her relationships out in the world, and eventually with his or her own children.

How To Apply This Parenting Style

So how can you be sure you’re parenting authoritatively? “Be warm and affectionate with your kids, but also have clearly articulated rules and expectations for their behavior, and enforce them consistently,” Steinberg says. And of course, the amount of independence you grant your child will depend on when you deem them ready: “Gradually increase the amount of autonomy you grant your child, but in an age-appropriate way, and only as he or she demonstrates the ability to handle it.”
Being involved in your kids’ lives is another crucial aspect of being an authoritative parent, according to Steinberg. In order to be supportive and understanding, and to set expectations and limits, you need to know what’s going on in your child’s life—at home, in school, and during after-school activities. Ask questions and monitor progress; initiate discussions about classes, sports, friends, and what your kids are reading, watching, and listening to.
And being present in your own parenting is paramount. “I think the most important thing is to parent mindfully,” Steinberg says. “Try not to make disciplinary decisions when you’re stressed or emotionally taxed; take a breath and think before you act. And always be aware of why you are parenting the way you are—what your goals are and what you are trying to accomplish.”
Authoritative parenting will take commitment on your part: “The problem with permissive and authoritarian parenting is that they are easier to do and require much less self-awareness on the part of a parent,” Steinberg points out. Like anything else worth doing, there’s work involved. But the benefits for your children are more than worth it.

5 Types of Women That Make Bad Wives


1. A Dismissive Woman

“If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”
Years ago JP and I adopted this saying. I’m not sure whether we heard it or if we made it up ourselves, but it’s kept us in tune with each other over three decades of marriage.
Honestly, though, having an attitude of prioritizing one another’s needs, preferences and opinions didn’t come naturally. Frankly, it can be easier to dismiss your partner’s needs than to deal with them.
A dismissive woman devalues or diminishes her spouse’s preferences, opinions or desires. Sometimes you’ll hear a dismissive woman turning the conversation back to herself, (“Yes, but what about my needs?”) or failing to really consider the desire (“That’s just not practical/realistic/happening in this lifetime.”) or even shaming the need (“Oh, for heaven’s sake, you’re not one of the children! Grow up.”).
Sometimes though, a dismissive woman is more subtle. She won’t tell her partner she’s dismissing his need or preference; she’ll simply ignore it. Or she’ll become unavailable physically, sexually, or emotionally.
Why is this “bad”? When a woman unilaterally dismisses her partner’s need or preference, her husband feels rejected, unloved and unimportant. He may not say it, but he feels it. Plain and simple, it hurts.
Anything that hurts a marriage partner hurts the marriage. Period.
Does this mean a wife should be at her husband’s beck and call, ready to fulfill every desire? Absolutely not! It does mean, though, that she genuinely cares about her partner’s feelings and wants to meet his needs when she can.
Really, this attitude is the mandate for all Christ followers, in every relationship. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4)

2. An Undependable Woman

The first description of an excellent wife in Proverbs 31—the very first one—is this: “Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.” (Proverbs 31:11, NLT). The NIV says “Her husband has full confidence in her.”
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that if a good wife is trustworthy, a bad wife isn’t.
If you’re considering marrying a woman whose integrity you question, let me offer you a friendly piece of advice: run.
A dependable woman can be trusted to be faithful to her man, responsible in her decisions, and wise with their children. She’ll hang on with you through the tough times and hold on to you in the good.
She’s honest and she’s honorable. She doesn’t withhold the truth; she upholds the truth. Even in small matters.

3. A Disrespectful Woman

“How many kids do you have?” I asked. “Three. Four, if you count my husband.” Everyone laughed… sort of. But her answer was no laughing matter. Comments like this—though they sound innocent on the surface—indicate something underneath: a lack of respect for one’s partner.
Disrespect doesn’t always come in the form of words. It can come with a look: eye rolling, a shaking head, or a deep sigh. It can be an attempt to control, to mother or to demean a husband. These actions send the same message: You’re an idiot. I don’t respect you.
God gives only one command directed to wives: “Wives see to it that you respect your husbands” (Ephesians 5:33).  In healthy, life-giving marriages, wives respect their husbands and husbands love their wives. God’s plan is a win for both sides.
Are some men are easier to respect than others? You bet. But every healthy relationship, both inside and outside of marriage—every single one—is built on the foundation of respect. Without respect relationships crumble.

4. An Overly Dependent Woman or Overly Independent Woman

All healthy relationships have a level of both dependence and independence, but when the pendulum swings too far on either side, something is amiss.
The overly dependent woman looks to her partner to meet most, if not all, of her emotional needs. She often has a hard time encouraging his independent interests. She frequently manipulates through tears, emotional outbursts, withdrawal or demands. She can even be dramatic, if necessary. Why does she behave this way? She’s prone to see romantic relationships as her savior and feels lost without one. Even in unhealthy scenarios, an overly dependent woman has difficulty severing ties.
Conversely, the overly independent woman has difficulty cementing ties. She may fear commitment. She may fear being controlled. She may be so used to doing things her way, partnering with another person seems foreign.
In relationships neither over-dependence or over-independence is healthy. Marriage is a team sport, meant for two equal partners.

5. A Discouraging Woman

There are two relational truths many women fail to understand:
Truth 1: At the heart of every good man is the desire to please his wife.
Truth 2: It’s hard to stay emotionally, physically and spiritually connected to a person who consistently makes you feel discouraged… even if that person is your wife.
This is why the discouraging wife can be so lethal to a life-giving marriage. The discouraging woman makes her man feel like he can’t do anything right, no matter how hard he tries. In the inner recess of her mind she’s thinks I would like him more if he… Her unspoken goal is change him. She might use criticism (not the healthy, constructive type). She may complain incessantly. She may name call, nitpick, or control. No matter how her discouragement manifests itself, the outcome is the same: Her husband usually feels worse in her presence than better.
This isn’t to say a wife can’t disagree or express disappointment. It doesn’t mean wives can’t have hard conversations. It does mean, though, that we learn the art of having hard conversations without being hard-hearted.
The Bible speaks to this issue: “Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Good wives encourage the best by raising the bar, not discouraging the worst by lowering it.
Are there certain types of women that make bad wives? Yes. There are certain types of men that make bad husbands, too. But God’s Word offers practical advice on how to be a healthy, life-giving partner.
None of us has to be a “bad” spouse—or marry one—if we follow His plan.
Article culled from MINDBODYCARE

My husband and I didn't live together until we got married - here's what I learned


Before my husband and I got married seven months ago, the only guys I'd ever lived with were related to me. Between college dorms, sorority housing, and the money vacuum that is NYC real estate, I've had many a roommate in my day, but never lived with someone I was dating. My husband and I never even lived in the same state before we promised to spend the rest of our lives together — a fun fact that makes people's eyes get really big when I tell them. I had a job in New York, and he was in school in Chicago until he graduated ... two days before our wedding. Another fun fact: Our honeymoon was the longest amount of time we'd ever spent together at that point (are your eyes getting big now, too?).
My husband and I were friends for years before we started dating, but from the day we left the friend zone until day one of marriage, we only knew the long-distance way of life: texting each other in the morning, tagging each other in memes during the day, calling each other before bed, FaceTiming each other if the lighting was flattering, and catching flights every other week to see each other. And although LDRs have their challenges, so does living with someone for the very first time. Don't get me wrong! I don't mean this in a bad way. But gone are the days of having my own room and space to myself. And here's what that's been like.
1. One of you will be the clean one. And that means one of you will be the dirty or the messy one by default. This is the case for any roommate, but when you share a room with someone, you can't use their side of the bed, or that random chair in the corner, or like, any square foot of the floor or counter as storage for stuff you're too lazy to put away. Because the clean one (my husband) will not put up with the habits of the messy one (me) — and the clean one always seems to win.
2. Cooking with someone else is 1,000 times better than doing it by and for yourself. I fixed myself some pretty dismal dinners in my single days because a) I don't care, and b) I don't like to cook things that serve four people when it's just me. But my husband — who I've learned cooks breakfast every morning like we're in a Disney Channel original movie — has opened my eyes to a culinary world beyond grilled chicken and cereal. Plus, washing the dishes is better when two people do it.
3. You really don't see each other that much just because you live with them. You know how on snow days you're stuck inside and don't do anything except stare at the other person stuck inside with you? That's what I thought living with someone would feel like. But it's not like that at all! Unless you work with your significant other, you spend your days apart and come home just in time to eat dinner, maybe squeeze in a TV show, and go to sleep. So it's really not as full-on as I had anticipated.
4. Still, you both will want some time away from each other. Now, your home very well may be larger than our 600-square-foot apartment, and have more than one bathroom sink, so maybe this isn't such an issue for you. But for those of us who can't just "go in another room" — because there is no other room — having your own space is precious. Maybe you prefer to work out alone or read on your sofa uninterrupted. Whatever it is, it doesn't mean you don't like your S.O. anymore. It simply means you would like to watch Bravo in peace without judgement and without having to lay out a timeline of who got to choose what you both watched last.
5. Bathroom time is weird, and there's just no way around that. You know the famous teeth-brushing scene from Bring It On? Yeah, that's us before bed every night. And my husband's a dentist, so I'm especially self-conscious about my teeth-brushing form. When we first moved in together, I tried to be discreet and hide my tampons in a decorative box in the bathroom, but now my husband just calls it my tampon treasure chest. So, yeah. There's always Poo-Pourri, though.
6. You will both complain equally about each other's hair being everywhere. They will say your hair always clogs the shower drain or is all over the floor in the form of dust bunnies. You will say their shaving remnants are all over the bathroom counter and sink. This will continue until you die.
7. My husband, who is sitting next to me as I write this, wants me to say,"Splitting wardrobe storage space 50/50 really means she gets 70% of all the room." I can't help that I have more things than he does.
8. You will have to choose one side of the bed for the rest of time, which is a very pressure-filled commitment to makeNo more sleeping smack dab in the middle!Choose wisely, because I've never heard of someone switching sides of the bed years into living together. Or maybe people do it all the time, and it's simply a weird question to ask someone or bring up in conversation. I truly don't know.
9. Unlike with past roommates, you don't have to be passive-aggressive. Maybe you tip-toed around issues you had with former roommates, because y'all were friends and you didn't want to cross the line and not be the chill one. But because you and your significant other can be more open with each other, you can just say to their face, "You peed on the toilet seat again. Stop doing that," and there you go. Easy pee-sy.
10. You will really miss them when they're away. I used to go days or weeks — months, even — without seeing my husband, and although I definitely wished I could have seen him more, I got used to it. But now, I wonder, "OMG where is he?" if he's gone even for 24 hours. That, my friends, is love.
11. It's not as tricky/different/weird as other people who moved in with their significant others warned me it would be. You definitely learn a lot about someone's quirks and weird tendencies by living with them, but nothing has been all that ... surprising. My husband didn't have to spend two seconds with me to know I'm a messy person, and I realised from the first time I visited him that he had a weird obsession with washing the dishes immediately after using them. Life pretty much feels the same, except now I get a really cool roommate with whom I share my home and my life — and all the awkward moments that come with it.
Article by By  culled from COSMOPOLITAN

Sunday 28 January 2018

8 Gross Things Girls Do, According To Their Loving Boyfriends


Do you have a gross habit that you've accidentally (or not so accidentally) revealed in front of an SO? I know you do, even if you won't admit it. I'll go first. I pee a lot and I talk a lot; sometimes, for the sake of efficiency, I'll do both at the same time. So, yeah, I'll carry on a full-length conversation with someone, boyfriends included, while going to the bathroom. I've checked with guy friends who've assured me that, as long as all I'm doing is peeing, this doesn't quite make the list of gross things girls do. But an ex mentioned it was weird once and you don't forget feedback like that.
Anyway, I figured there was absolutely no way I was the only person with a weird habit that grossed their partner out. Like, do you remember on Friendswhen Chandler finally unlocks Monica's junk closet? He's horrified to find out that his neat-freak of a wife could be so secretly messy, which explains why she kept it a secret in the first place. Luckily, it wasn't a deal-breaker for Chandler and it probably won't be for your relationship, either.
I mean, on a good day, I like to think I look like this.
But I hope my partner won't mind if sometimes (read: most times), I actually look like this...
Life's all about balance, right?
Just like guys, girls have weird, gross habits, too. Our pillow cases have mascara stains from those nights we just couldn't be bothered to take off our makeup. Clearing the shower drain is an unsightly ritual that likely saves us thousands of dollars in plumbing repairs each year. And in the winter, we don't shave our legs regularly. It's just who we are.
Here are eight other gross things girls do, according to the guys who've dated them.  

I feel personally attacked. It's called skincare, OK!

OvyZ_

For the record, this is 100 percent not what I meant earlier.

- Zach*, 23

To be fair, I've also been out with guys who've done this and just, no.

While yes, this is kind of odd, I still think this guy might be overreacting a little.

Is this like marking her territory?

- Clay*, 27

I think this means he cares.

- Dennis*, 27

I like to leave the Starbucks cups in my car for a few weeks, really get to know them, show them around the city.

I feel like this is the female equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up.

- Nate*, 29
To be honest, we could be a lot worse.
If it helps, we're only truly gross around the people we feel comfortable with so if you see us walking around the house in three-day-old sweatpants, your first, immediate thought should be how to pop the question.

I mean, this guy gets it.

- Francis, 23
Acceptance is the first step.
*Names have been changed.

Article By Sydnee Lyons culled from Elite Daily.

Tuesday 16 January 2018

My nipples and clitoris are very sensitive. Could it be my husband’s technique?


We are recently married and I can no longer enjoy stimulation. I have never had this problem before, but I have undergone major surgery and a termination
I am 33 and newly married. I have come not to enjoy nipple or clitoral stimulation by my husband. My parts are very sensitive and I find such stimulation overwhelming. I was abused as a child, but have not had this problem before. There is a chance that it’s my new husband’s technique, but I have also had major surgery and a termination of pregnancy, which could be contributory factors.
It is essential that you share all of this with your husband. Surgery certainly can contribute to physical sensitivity, while a history of abuse can affect one’s long-term sexuality in a number of ways and requires professional help. But your husband also needs to join with you in seeking answers and in improving sensation.
Help him to understand your exact feelings, and ask very specifically for what you need. Many women are afraid to say anything critical about a partner’s technique, or to disclose their sexual fragility. But, if gently presented in a non-blaming fashion, it can lead to better sex, as well as greater closeness and bonding. You both deserve to be known to each other for who you really are sexually – at every point in your lives together; this is a cornerstone of intimacy. When sharing truths about your sexual needs, always begin by reaffirming your love and by letting him know the positive things you enjoy about lovemaking with him. Then help him to fully understand your specific physical sensitivities, and try to be brave enough to share your masturbation technique with him. Gently micromanage his efforts until he gets it right, then reward him in the best possible way – including implementing his requests for improved technique on your part.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

Friday 12 January 2018

Serena Williams on Motherhood, Marriage, and Making Her Comeback


On a moist South Florida morning at the end of a relentless hurricane season, their wedding only a week away, Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian are seated side by side at their long kitchen table discussing the Marshmallow Test. Some 50 years ago, in a famous experiment, the Stanford University psychologist Walter Mischel invited children to choose between a small immediate reward, such as a marshmallow, or, if they could sit and wait for fifteen minutes, a larger prize. The children who found ways to stave off temptation—by singing songs or pulling pigtails—went on to have higher SAT scores and lower body-mass indexes than their ravenous peers.
“I would have eaten that marshmallow,” says Serena, who, in conspicuous contrast to that image, sips a radioactive-looking broth, which she nudged her chef to prepare after reading online that ginger and turmeric were supposed to aid in breast-milk production. She positions this tincture on a stack of gold lamĂ© swatches: Golden Harvest, Gold L’Amour, Golden Daydream, Victorian Gold. One of these will be selected for the tablecloths at the wedding dinner. Thinking better of her coaster choice, she shifts her glass to a stack of photocopied pages from assorted newborn instruction manuals. Serena loves printing and collating and stacking. She loves paper. She is the analog to her husband-to-be’s digital.
“Are you kidding?” Alexis shoots back. “You would never eat that marshmallow. You would stare down that marshmallow like it was the enemy. It would be Serena versus the marshmallow.”
“You’re right,” she admits with a squeak of laughter. “But it would have been fear. I would have been scared to eat it. I would have been like, Am I supposed to eat this? Am I going to get in trouble if I eat this?”
Watch Serena Williams Absolutely Tear Up an Airport Runway:
It’s no secret that a high capacity to delay gratification—to place discipline and self-sacrifice in the service of a dream that shimmers in the distance like a mirage—is among the distinguishing characteristics of the elite athlete. Serena is a special case, of course, an athlete whose unique gifts fused with years of hard work to produce an avalanche of victories—more, she swears, than she ever dreamed of as a braided nine-year-old captured uncomfortably in the pages of her local newspaper. A more painful vision of reality has also encroached over the years: the drive-by murder of her older sister Yetunde Price, in 2003; a slip on a piece of broken glass at a Munich restaurant that led to pulmonary embolisms, which in turn led to a year on the sidelines (and then, somehow, after age 30, the five most brilliant seasons of her career). One gratification she always knew she’d be keeping on the back burner was motherhood. But on September 1, Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr. arrived. Serena calls her Olympia. Alexis prefers Junior.
Months earlier, when she was pregnant, Serena had confessed to me that she worried intensely about whether she’d make a good mother. She is a perfectionist, she is rule-bound (“Am I allowed to eat that marshmallow?”), and her longtime fans know that her fiery self-belief is sometimes undercut with self-doubt; in fact, that tension is part of what makes a Serena Williams match such nail-biting entertainment. Two rather harrowing months after giving birth, though, Mother has her sea legs—just in time to get those legs back onto the tennis court. From her new vantage point, Olympia is both irresistible temptation and ultimate reality check.
“We’re not spending a day apart until she’s eighteen,” Serena says, only half-joking. “Now that I’m 36 and I look at my baby, I remember that this was also one of my goals when I was little, before tennis took over, when I was still kind of a normal girl who played with dolls. Oh, my God, I loved my dolls.” She breaks into the jingle for Baby Alive, the doll with an eerie array of lifelike bodily functions: “I love the way you make me feel,” she croons in a cracking falsetto. “You’re so real.” Serena named her Baby Alive Victoria, drawn even then to triumphal monikers. Suddenly, shrieking with laughter, she’s on YouTube watching eighties TV commercials in which little girls in soft focus change their dolls’ wet diapers.
“To be honest, there’s something really attractive about the idea of moving to San Francisco and just being a mom,” she says. Reddit, the news aggregator of which Alexis is a cofounder, is based there, and they’ve just found a house in Silicon Valley. “But not yet. Maybe this goes without saying, but it needs to be said in a powerful way: I absolutely want more Grand Slams. I’m well aware of the record books, unfortunately. It’s not a secret that I have my sights on 25.” She means 25 Grand Slam victories, which would surpass the record of 24 held by the Australian tennis legend Margaret Court and make her the undisputed greatest of all time. (Serena, already widely regarded as the best there ever was, currently owns 23.) “And actually, I think having a baby might help. When I’m too anxious I lose matches, and I feel like a lot of that anxiety disappeared when Olympia was born. Knowing I’ve got this beautiful baby to go home to makes me feel like I don’t have to play another match. I don’t need the money or the titles or the prestige. I want them, but I don’t need them. That’s a different feeling for me.”
Serena changes into leggings and a T-shirt, and we walk over to the manicured red clay tennis court belonging to a neighbor, hers whenever she wants it. It’s only the third time she’s picked up a racket since giving birth. Her father, Richard Williams, drops by to have a look and to offer a pointer or two. Get your racket back earlier, he advises. Alexis has brought his drone, which sounds like a swarm of bees as it whirs above the court grabbing video footage of the champion and her hitting partner. (“Serena doesn’t dwell on this stuff, but I’m making a point to document it all,” he explains.) She’s not serving yet, and there’s no split-step as she prepares for another ground stroke, but the shots hiss into the corners, and she’s pleased. Just a week earlier, Serena walked the length of a neighborhood block for the first time since returning from the hospital.
Though she had an enviably easy pregnancy, what followed was the greatest medical ordeal of a life that has been punctuated by them. Olympia was born by emergency C-section after her heart rate dove dangerously low during contractions. The surgery went off without a hitch; Alexis cut the cord, and the wailing newborn fell silent the moment she was laid on her mother’s chest. “That was an amazing feeling,” Serena remembers. “And then everything went bad.”
The next day, while recovering in the hospital, Serena suddenly felt short of breath. Because of her history of blood clots, and because she was off her daily anticoagulant regimen due to the recent surgery, she immediately assumed she was having another pulmonary embolism. (Serena lives in fear of blood clots.) She walked out of the hospital room so her mother wouldn’t worry and told the nearest nurse, between gasps, that she needed a CT scan with contrast and IV heparin (a blood thinner) right away. The nurse thought her pain medicine might be making her confused. But Serena insisted, and soon enough a doctor was performing an ultrasound of her legs. “I was like, a Doppler? I told you, I need a CT scan and a heparin drip,” she remembers telling the team. The ultrasound revealed nothing, so they sent her for the CT, and sure enough, several small blood clots had settled in her lungs. Minutes later she was on the drip. “I was like, listen to Dr. Williams!”
But this was just the first chapter of a six-day drama. Her fresh C-section wound popped open from the intense coughing spells caused by the pulmonary embolism, and when she returned to surgery, they found that a large hematoma had flooded her abdomen, the result of a medical catch-22 in which the potentially lifesaving blood thinner caused hemorrhaging at the site of her C-section. She returned yet again to the OR to have a filter inserted into a major vein, in order to prevent more clots from dislodging and traveling into her lungs. Serena came home a week later only to find that the night nurse had fallen through, and she spent the first six weeks of motherhood unable to get out of bed. “I was happy to change diapers,” Alexis says, “but on top of everything she was going through, the feeling of not being able to help made it even harder. Consider for a moment that your body is one of the greatest things on this planet, and you’re trapped in it.”
The first couple of months of motherhood have tested Serena in ways she never imagined. “Sometimes I get really down and feel like, Man, I can’t do this,” she says. “It’s that same negative attitude I have on the court sometimes. I guess that’s just who I am. No one talks about the low moments—the pressure you feel, the incredible letdown every time you hear the baby cry. I’ve broken down I don’t know how many times. Or I’ll get angry about the crying, then sad about being angry, and then guilty, like, Why do I feel so sad when I have a beautiful baby? The emotions are insane.” Her mother, Oracene Price, has been staying in Florida to help out. She has encouraged Serena to relax around her daughter and is making the case for a strict parenting style in an era in which children often have the last word. “Obedience brings protection; that’s what my mom told me,” Serena says. “That’s straight from the Bible, and she wrote it down on paper and gave it to me. I was always obedient: Whatever my parents told me to do, I did. There was no discussion. Maybe I had a little rebellious phase in my 20s, when I tried liquor for the first time. Maybe having a baby on the tennis tour is the most rebellious thing I could ever do.”
Oracene says that she mainly bites her tongue, that daughters don’t tend to respond well to parenting advice from their own moms. Her primary concern right now is that Serena find a healthy equilibrium. “Serena works herself too hard,” Oracene explains. “She’s always been that way, ever since she was a little girl. She’s going to need to learn to slow down. She’s responsible for another life now. You should see how they travel with that baby. They pack everything! It’s a bit extravagant for me. But once she’s back on the tour, she’ll find a balance.”
Her tennis friends have been broadly supportive, especially the dads. Stanislas Wawrinka gave Olympia a pair of tiny blue Tod’s driving loafers, and Novak Djokovic continues to send articles in accordance with his everything-natural philosophy. Serena and Novak call their babies doubles partners since they were born a day apart. Roger Federer, in some respects her only real rival on the tour—the person she’s always sought to keep pace with, the person she refuses to retire before—now has two sets of twins. “It’s so unfair,” Se­rena complains. “He produced four babies and barely missed a tournament. I can’t even imagine where I’d be with twins right now. Probably at the bottom of the pool.”
Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg is a longtime hero of Serena’s, and in the last year she has offered invaluable advice about marriage and motherhood. The two met years ago after Serena, in an interview, was asked to name someone she’d like to have dinner with and chose Sandberg. “I saw that, and I called her and said, ‘I’d love to have dinner with you!’ ” Sandberg recalls. They did not become close until after Sandberg’s husband, Dave Goldberg, died unexpectedly in 2015. “Serena really stepped up. I’d get texts and emails from her from all over the world telling me how strong I was at a time when I didn’t feel strong. She had experienced loss in her own life, and I think she knew what to do.”
Many of her friends from women’s tennis—Caroline Wozniacki, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Angelique Kerber—have reached out to remind her how much she’s been missed this year. This is hugely important to Serena, who insists that contrary to the rumors, this is a group of women that genuinely cares for and respects one another. “I really believe that we have to build each other up and build our tour up,” she says. “The women in Billie Jean King’s day supported each other even though they competed fiercely. We’ve got to do that. That’s kind of the mark I want to leave. Play each other hard, but keep growing the sport.”
Back at the house, Olympia has awoken from her nap. Serena lays her on a play mat in the TV room so that they can do some tandem exercises while Chip, the Yorkie, runs in circles around them, eager to get in on the action. Mother tests out a few crunches, but her stomach is still too weak; baby kicks out her chubby legs a few times, which proves irresistible to Serena, who rolls over and grabs them. “They’re not calves!” she says. “They’re not ankles! What are they? That’s right—Mommy loves your cankles!”
“I think she got them from me,” says Alexis, overhearing, from the next room.
Olympia tries to wriggle out of the baby gym, with its dumbbell-shaped rattles, but Serena says not so fast. “Some other seven-week-old is in the gym right now working,” she jokes. But she has no wish to push her daughter onto the court. To her mother’s horror, Olympia sat transfixed by the Argentine star Juan MartĂ­n del Potro recently. “I was distraught when I saw her,” says Se­rena. “I would hate her to have to deal with comparisons or expectations. It’s so much work, and I’ve given up so much. I don’t regret it, but it’s like Sliding Doors: Go through a different door and lead a different life. I’d like her to have a normal life. I didn’t have that.”
“She’s obviously going to have a very special life,” Alexis says, “but there are enough cautionary tales about kids who grow up in the spotlight. How do you make your kid live in reality when your own reality is so . . . unreal? This kid is going to have more Instagram followers than me in about three weeks.” (At press time, baby was narrowing her father’s lead.)
The biggest question in women’s tennis last year was who would end up number one in Serena’s absence, and the answer didn’t become clear until the penultimate day of the season, when Serena’s friend Simona Halep, of Romania, snuck off with the crown. It could have been anybody, really, including the tour’s elder stateswoman, Venus Williams, who at age 37 was a couple of victories from the number-one ranking. The fact that Venus’s extraordinary year coincided with Serena’s absence from the tour is not lost on her younger sister. “I know that her career might have been different if she had had my health,” Serena says, clinging to the fantasy of sisterly parity. “I know how hard she works. I hate playing her because she gets this look on her face where she just looks sad if she’s losing. Solemn. It breaks my heart. So when I play her now, I absolutely don’t look at her, because if she gets that look, then I’ll start feeling bad, and the next thing you know I’ll be losing. I think that’s when the turning point came in our rivalry, when I stopped looking at her.”
The truth is that dominant number ones like Serena are rare, and no one has made a bold declaration during her absence. “It’s interesting,” she muses. “There hasn’t been a clear number one since I was there. It will be cool to see if I get there again, to what I call my spot—where I feel I belong. I don’t play to be the second best or the third best. If there’s no clear number one, it’s like, yeah, I can get my spot back. But if there is a clear number one, that’s cool, too, because it’s like, yeah, I’m gonna come for you.”
Serena is never more lethal than when she zeroes in on a target. (Just ask Maria Sharapova.) She had hoped to defend her Australian Open title in January, but the recent medical gantlet has forced her to move her return date to March, where she’d like to play for the trophy at Indian Wells. She has set her sights beyond the tennis court as well. She will debut a new clothing line in March on her website. She continues to invest in tech ventures owned or led by women and African Americans. Her philanthropic endeavors focus on children and education. Although she thinks she’d be a terrible tennis coach, she imagines it would be gratifying to mentor an emerging player. (She admires the young and powerful Russian Daria Kasatkina.) And she would like to have more children, though she’s in no rush.
“I remember how stressed I was about getting to Grand Slam number eighteen, tying Chrissie and Martina,” she says. “I had lost every Grand Slam that year. I was in the U.S. Open, and Patrick [Mouratoglou], my coach, said, ‘Serena, this doesn’t make sense. You’re so stressed about eighteen. Why not 30? Why not 40?’ For me, that clicked. I won eighteen, nineteen, and 20 right after that. Why would I want to stand side by side when I can stand out on my own? I think sometimes women limit themselves. I’m not sure why we think that way, but I know that we’re sometimes taught to not dream as big as men, not to believe we can be a president or a CEO, when in the same household, a male child is told he can be anything he wants. I’m so glad I had a daughter. I want to teach her that there are no limits.”
Recently Serena agreed to sit on the board of the Billie Jean King Leadership Initiative, whose mission is to nurture a more diverse and inclusive corps of future leaders. “I’ve been telling people that I think Serena, with her prowess and her platform, can do more than I ever dreamed of—not just for women or for people of color but for all people,” says King. “I’ve been trying to figure out who I’m going to pass the torch to. Serena’s speaking like a leader and talking about making a difference in the world. Personally I’d like to see her get into politics. Why not run for president? But first I’d like to see her break every record—to be the big kahuna.”
For guests at Serena and Alexis’s wedding, on a Thursday last November at New Orleans’s Contemporary Arts Center, it was hard not to be knocked over by the collective power of the assembled women, among them BeyoncĂ© Knowles, Caroline Wozniacki, Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian West, and Ciara. The Tony Award–winning singer-actress Cynthia Erivo delivered a knockout rendition of “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” at the reception. “I never wanted a traditional wedding,” Serena says. “I wanted a strong wedding.”
Strength is much more than a mere physical detail for Serena Williams; it is a guiding principle. She had it in mind last summer as she considered what to call her baby, Googling names that derive from words for strong in a mix of languages before settling on something Greek. But with Olympia home and healthy and the wedding behind her, it’s time to shift focus to her day job. She knows that she’s hurtling toward immortality, and she doesn’t take it lightly.
“I’ve been playing tennis since before my memories started,” she says. “At my age, I see the finish line. And when you see the finish line, you don’t slow down. You speed up.”
Article  culled from Vogue