Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Husbands and wives who want their #marriages to be enduring and endearing must be #friends. Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll wrote, “All the talk about spending time and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, #repenting and #forgiving can be summed up in one word –#friendship.”
Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual #respect for and #enjoyment of each other’s likes, dislikes, #personality quirks, hopes, and #dreams. They have as abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. Friendship fuels the flames of #romance because it offers the best protection against feeling of adversarial toward to your spouse. Ann Landers wrote, "Love is a #friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual #confidence, sharing, and forgiving. It is a #loyalty through good and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowance for human #weaknesses."
At times your marriage may be strained, but because of the friendship you’ll still remain together. True friendship involves healthy #conflict. The husband is the head of #family, but also a considerate friend. Friendship is an integral part of marriage and a safeguard against #emotional adultery. Emotional #adultery is having as your close friend someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
To make conservation, to share a #joke, to perform mutual act of #kindness, to read #together well-written books, to share in trifling and in serious matters, to #disagree through without animosity –just as a person debates with himself and the very rarity of #disagreement to find the salt of normal #harmony, to teach each other something or to learn from one another, to long with #impatience for those absent, to welcome them with #gladness on their arrival.
Marital friendship requires both the husband and #wife to willing to invest what it takes to be a good #friend. Friendship is costly in everything –time, energy, #emotion, and sometimes #money. Those who want their #spouses to be friends without seeking to be good friends in return are #selfish and demanding. And those who want to be good #friends but do not help their spouses reciprocate are prone to be taken advantage of, abused, neglected, and suffer from their marriages.
Sometimes we try hard to make some people our friends while neglecting who should be your best friend –your #spouse. What I believe it means for couples to be FRIENDS is:
Couples should be faithful to each other. Their being together has to be a strong bond, a common sharing of experience, a dream-fulfilling romance that carries them along. All relationships go through peaks and troughs, but they should dedicate their lives to their partners’ happiness in a way, that requires focus, strength, passion, drive, enthusiasm and effort. Abandoning one’s partner to have affairs outside the marriage will not solve problem but rather aggravate it. The essence of marriage is to stay together for life and not to get divorced. Faithfulness will give us the opportunity to have a really good and strong relationship based on mutual trust, and shared happiness. In order to encourage fidelity, we have to be kind, courteous, reverential, stimulating, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and sexual.
When one spouse is friendly and the other is unfriendly, the marriage is marked by selfishness and sadness. But when both spouses make deep and heartfelt commitment to continually seek to become better friends, increasing love and laughter mark the marriage.
The easiest way to know whether couples are friends is the way they sleep. When they lie back-to-back, it is obvious that the partners are not friends but ranges from strangers to enemies. But when they lie cudgeled up or the woman in the man’s arm, it is obvious that they are friends who will work together on tasks or projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business etc.
Wives, to be a good friend, learn to spend some time with your husband in shared activity. If he’s watching a sporting event, sit down and share it with him. if he’s working on a project, long out nearby to help or at least ask questions and be a companion if nothing else. If he’s going fishing, asking if you can come sit in the boat with him just to be in his world.
Husbands to be a good friend to your wife, learn to have deeper and more intimate conservations. Keep your advice to a minimum and learn to listen to what she has to say. No wife likes feeling like a problem relationship becomes most intimate we begin to share our feelings. Spending time together.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”
The wrong we do to others and what we suffer are weighed differently. Empathy alone is a very important characteristic of a positive personality. People with empathy ask themselves this question: “How would I feel if someone treated me that way?” sympathy is, “I understand how you feel.” Empathy is, “I feel how you feel.” Both sympathy and empathy are important, but of the two, empathy is certainly more important.
God create the woman because He felt man needed to helpmate. Therefore a man needs his wife as his companion and friend. And a wife needs to be helpful according to God’s design. The more his need of his wife and her need to help him increases the faster oneness and friendship blossoms in the marriage.
A devoted friend is #dependable through varying seasons of life. Fake friends are with us so long as they get something from us. A real #friendship is about both people giving and taking in every season without keeping a record of what is given and taken. A #fake friendship is about one #person doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking. Fake friends quickly desert us when #life with us becomes complicated, costly, inconvenient, or no longer meets their needs. It is in the darkest season of life that you know your devoted friends. In marriage, being a #devoted friend in all life’s seasons is a key to building #oneness, #intimacy, and trust.
Most of our dating time in spent pretending to be people we are not, and after few years of marriage, our spouses start to discover who we truly are rather than the #characters we have been acting like. The same is true for them. A #husband and wife need to accept that they are flawed person who needs loving help and patient #endurance. A spouse who only showers you with praise, never disagree with you, avoid conflict at all cost, way not be a sincere #partner. Proverbs 9:8 says, “Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a #wise man, and he will #love you.”
Friendship takes sacrifice. Building friendship and #relationships take sacrifice, loyalty and maturity. #Sacrifice takes going out of one’s way and never happens by the way. #Selfishness destroys friendships. Casual #acquaintances come easy but true friendships take time to build and effort to keep. Friendships are put to tests and when they endure, they grow stronger. We must learn to recognize counterfeit relationships. True friends do not want to see their friends hurt. True friendship gives more than it gets and stands by #adversity.
The joy of mothers knows no bounds when they cradle their newborn babies in their arms. No matter the pain they underwent during the delivery process, they yearn to bond with their babies immediately and look forward to the experience of motherhood. While motherhood is acknowledged as the crowning glory and privilege in being a woman, it comes with its own inherent problems which can make a new mother feel upset, like a failure and insecure about her ability to cope. Unfortunately, in some instances, the trip back from the hospital with the baby can also be the beginning of a nightmare for the new mother. The work that is involved to be a good mother is hard. It is equally long and at times thankless.
Knowing the various problems in motherhood can help prepare you when getting ready to have a baby. You can recognize the problems when they occur and find a solution or get help immediately before things get out of hand.
Motherhood comes with a lot of stress from different sources. Keeping awake to take care of a baby can be very challenging, when previously your idea of motherhood is centered on taking care of a cute and smiley little baby, now, you find out you have been saddled with a small baby who wake up in the night screaming. Exhaustion and lack of sleep coupled with a fussy baby can easily trigger such a switch in emotion. At times, it will be the constant worry that you are not doing the best job possible. You could be afraid that something will happen to your child that you are not spending enough time with the baby especially if you are a career woman, or that you are teaching him enough. You will find that you are constantly pulled between your child’s activities, your partner’s and yours.
Sometimes, the problem is compounded by the lack of help from the spouse, especially when he is not always home due to work commitments, resulting in you having to shoulder the burden of childcare on your own. This can cause resentment to build up and together with exhaustion; they become a potent combination for quarrels to take place. The downhill slide into further unhappiness and depression is but a step away in such a situation.
The constant pull between your children and career may be a recurring problem of motherhood. “At some level, there is still perceived incompatibility between family and the workplace, which disadvantages mothers,” said Stanford Researcher Shelley Carrell, PhD, an associate professor of sociology. Whether you decide to go back to work or you have decided to stay at home with your children, you may harbor guilty feelings either way. A working mother may fret that she is missing her children; while a stay-at-home-mother may worry she is not contributing enough. “I left work, so there is that cut in income. There are hospital bills. My husband is working overtime. This is not even a problem. The problem is my own neurosis,” a mother complained.
Mothers looking for employment are less likely to be hired, are offered lower salaries and are perceived as being less committed to a job than fathers or women without children, according to a recent study of gender inequity in the workplace. What is more, the pay gap between mothers and childless women is actually bigger than the gap between women and men.
What language is appropriate? Can I swear in front of my toddler? Can I have a beer in the presence of my young child? Can I be myself? Most mothers will have feeling of self-doubt, inferiority and inadequacy at some point in time. Have you ever been out and suddenly found yourself judged for the way you held your baby, fed your baby, dressed your baby? Even worse, have you ever had that same judgment by a complete stranger in the middle of a store? Your baby either has on too many clothes or not enough, your baby is either being held too tight or not enough, or you are not disciplining your children properly? Comparing yourself to other mothers is a big problem in motherhood. Watching other mothers who have more resources or programs on the television showing what an ideal mother should be can make you feel an inadequate mother. A 2007 PewResearchCenter report found that working mothers were harder on themselves and gave themselves worse scores for their abilities.
When you become a mother, much of your old schedule is bound to change. If you used to go nightclubbing and painting the town red, your nights may be taken over by domestic chores and childcare. If you previously work long hours, you may find it to be stressful or quit to stay home. Motherhood can skew your view of situations and you can feel lost and confused about who you really are.
“Being a mother can often be a lonely job,” wrote Kristin Darguzas of ParentDish.com. Being with children all day with little interaction with other adults can make you feel isolated. What is more, there is the likelihood that you will feel ostracized when your friends participate in events and you cannot attend because you have to stay with your children. While you may have a thoughtful and helpful partner, he may not be available all the time, which means you need to find ways to stay connected to other adults while fulfilling your responsibilities as a mother.
“My name is Gerald and I'm 25 years old. Lately I've been having some issues with my fiancee and it's really starting to get to me. I'm a nice guy, with a good job, and I actually have respect for Bianca because I love her. But for some reason she has dumped me for some asshole playboy, that would never treat her half as good as I can. I just don't understand if I'm doing something wrong. I always open the car doors for her, I always offer to pay when we go out to dinner, and I’m always there when she needs me. I think I'm a pretty great catch, but I’ve been dumped and I am heart-broken! I don't understand what I'm doing wrong here. Is it true that girls only like to date bad boys? Or is there something I'm doing wrong? I'd appreciate some advice from you. Anything would be appreciated. Why do women love playboys?” he asked me.
This was what happened between them:
“You’ve not answered my question. Are you and, Desmond dating?” Gerald asked.
“I’ve told you it’s not true. It’s all lies, a figment of the writer’s imagination,” Bianca explained.
“Are you sure about that?” he asked skeptically.
“What do you mean by that? I should know who I am dating.”
“I don’t like what is happening,” Gerald complained.
“Whether you like it or not is none of my business. In fact, you are getting on my nerves with your nagging. If you don’t like the situation, you can leave,” Bianca said.
“Bianca, are you telling me to leave your house?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes, I’m sick and tired of your complaints about Desmond. Anyway, I need to rest as I have to be on location early tomorrow morning.” Picking her cell phone from the center table, she went into her bedroom.
Gerald sat alone in the living room for a few minutes, thinking she would come back. After a while, without any sign of her returning, he went home.
The following day when he called her, she was busy on set and could not speak with him. “She’s shooting some scenes right now. I’ll tell her you called,” stated an assistant on set who had her phone.
It was a week later when he was able to speak with her. “It’s like I need visa before I can see you these days,” he said.
“I’ve been busy. I’ve just finished with one production and will be starting on another soon,” she explained nonchalantly.
“So, when can I see you? Should I come and pick you up this Saturday for a date?” he asked.
“I’ll be busy with rehearsals. Maybe some other time,” she said. Actually, she had been invited to the birthday party of a popular actress whom she had worked together in a few movies and had become friendly with. She was going with Angela and Desmond, who had offered to be her date for the evening.
She enjoyed the party but it was Angela who seemed to have the most fun. “I can’t believe my eyes! So many of my favorite actors under one roof! This is paradise. My colleagues at work will be so jealous when I tell them what I’ve seen today,” she declared.
Bianca laughed at her high spirits. Taking her by the hand, she led her to the celebrant and did the introductions. Later, she left with Desmond for another bash on the Island. They were there till the early hours of the morning before leaving for Desmond’s residence.
Later that morning, Angela called to find out where she was. “I’m at Desmond’s house,” she answered. “What? What are you doing there? Aren’t you coming home?” she enquired.
“I’ll come later,” she stated quickly, before hanging up.
It was two days later before Bianca returned home. Desmond had dropped her off and after he‘d gone, Angela said, “Bianca, what is going on? Where have you been?”
“Are you that daft? Can’t you understand I’ve been with Desmond?” she countered, stretching on the couch in the living room.
“I suspected as much, but how about Gerald?”
“What about him?” Bianca retorted.
“I thought you are dating Gerald?”
“Gerald is a big boy, he’ll get over it,” Bianca said.
Angela shook her head. “I don’t know what has come over you. Anyway, I hope you know what you are doing. You know that Desmond has a bad reputation with girls. I don’t want you to be hurt,” Angela said, sitting at the arm of an armchair nearby.
“He’s hot on bed. And he’s not as bad as people think. He got that reputation because of some of the roles he plays in movies. He’s quite a nice man and I think I love him,” she stated confidently. Desmond had the reputation of being hot, good looking, scruffy... but also cocky, arrogant, inconsiderate, inattentive, and almost unfeeling… and women flock to him.
“Love? Just be careful,” Angela said, as she picked the remote to put on the TV.
As time went on, her relationship with Desmond waxed stronger. He treated her well and she was quite happy. The only problem was his relationship with other women especially his numerous fans. Because of his fame, they were always hanging around him wherever he went. This was besides all the calls and text messages they kept sending. He tried to make her understand that it was part of being a celebrity.
“You shouldn’t bother your head about them. They keep calling, begging to be with me. Do you know some even offer to pay money so they can spend time with me? There are some crazy women out there,” he stated, laughing. “But it is you I want to be with. So, don’t worry your pretty head about them,” he added, hugging her closely.
She believed him until she began to hear rumors about him with other ladies including some actresses in their industry. But whenever she confronted him about it, he would deny. “Would you rather believe in rumors or me? There is no need for you to be jealous. You should learn to trust me,” he said.
Despite his reassuring words, she still had her doubts. He had been seen with different girls in different parties and social events, she did not attend.
Saturday, 10 December 2016
“It is always like this!” he threw his hand up. “You are never here. I am stuck with housekeepers; you are gone all the time. Now you are offering me a car; it is so unfair. It is you I need not a car. I need love and care not a bribe,” Tony told his father. He spun on his heel and headed for his room. “I hope you have a great time.” Seconds later his door slammed shut.
The twenty-year-old boy was considerably upset by his father’s constant absence from home. His attitude had been one of constant hostility, especially toward his father. Tony became rebellious and contemptuous of his parents, the generation gap grew wider, the #family drifted apart and the #household was in a state of unhappiness.
Today many parents spend too little time with their children. They are overly busy earning money. What happens when parents spend too little time with their children? Do their children say dad and mom please spend time with us? No the children do not say that unlike Tony. But they secretly wish for #mom and dad to show more interest in their welfare. This situation makes their hearts to feel empty. When they become teenagers, they may use alcohol, sex or hard drugs to satisfy their empty hearts.
Life holds many other joys besides making money, and a man may well forgo a part of his financial gains for the pleasure that he may find with his family and friends. The good things of life are rarely free. They come with a high price like abandoning your children in pursuit of money.
Children need a love-filled home. It is a pathetic scene when parents leave home before their children are awake and return when they had slept. Even after some of the children have grown to be two or three years old, they will scarcely recognize their own mothers. And the mothers, enamored with the conviction that they are doing civilization a great favor by following a career, are depriving themselves the happiness that comes into a woman’s life when she extends loving care to her child/children.
Obviously this type of mother will have very little influence if any over her child. And before she could hope to have, she would need to become acquainted with the child. And before becoming acquainted to her influence, the child would have to be shown that her love was genuine and unselfish.
It is true that a home will never be the same once the first child is born. There is, of necessity, a reorganization of the entire plan in the home. But who would want the home to remain unchanged? The coming of children is what makes a home. It adds life, vitality and color.
Some young mothers mourn over their loss of the prospect of a career. But how many career women would be more than glad to trade their accomplishments for the chance to be a mother and to receive the generous affection which only children can give.
The husband must not assume that the burden of parenthood rests entirely upon his wife. It takes both parents to provide a proper home for children. And even though he may not spend much time at home, it is as much as the husband’s home as it is the wife’s. The children are entitled to the influence of a father just as much as to that of a mother. Just as in the case of the mother to child relationship; so there are mutual #benefits to be derived from the contacts between father and children. The father should learn, through first hand experience about the problems of the home so that he can be understandingly sympathetic with his wife in her efforts to create a happy home atmosphere.
As a reward for this effort, he will receive the satisfaction that eventually comes to the man who can exult in the knowledge that his influence with his children has helped to make them what they are. The father’s influence cannot be administered by proxy. Growing children need the advantage of their father’s personal presence even more than they need the extra money which he hopes to earn by being constantly away from home. The father’s participation in his children’s play and counsel regarding their anxieties and problems gives them that confidence which is necessary to the building of well-adjusted personalities.
Even the husband must bring himself to the realization that his ways of life will be affected once he becomes a father. It is not fair for him to consider that his needs for recreation must constantly take him away from home. He may have to forgo some of the recreational activities of business associates in order to find time to spend with his family. But as the years roll by he will be happy that he chose to curtail his selfish recreations in order to share the pleasures of his own home.
The years of childhood pass so quickly that the father must be on ground constantly lest he misses the precious opportunities to spend time with his children. it is during these years that he has the opportunity to mold the outlook, ambitions, and philosophies of the children. Once the children are grown, he will have ample opportunity to resume his personal hobbies and recreations.
Mr. Williams took his four-year-old son to visit a supermarket to buy him present. Seeing the little kid with his father, one of his friends called, “Who is this little man?” Without any hesitation the small boy replied, “He is my father.” Many of fathers can understand the feeling of pride which will well up in the heart of this father which obviously will be far greater than that which could have come from having excelled in a game of tennis.
A teenage girl asked her mother why her father no longer played with her. He was fond of coming home with work to do. Her #mother fighting back tears of her own loneliness had to explain that her father loved her and that was why he was working so hard in order to provide for the family.
Your family’s happiness should not be sacrificed in the alter of material success. If the work is very tasking delegate some to your subordinates. You don’t have to do everything to the detriment of your family.
Can you remember your child’s latest report card? If so, how does it compare to the one before? When last did you show interest in your child’s school work? What was your child’s main concern? Can you remember when last you had a meaningful one-to-one conservation with your wife?
In this busy age a lot of people never seem able to find time for their families. But if you plan well, you can find the time. Work out a schedule that enables you to give attention to your family as well as your business. You will find out that the decision to give your family attention it deserves is good not only for them, but also for you.
There are times when a child wishes to take one of his parents into confidence. There may be questions that he wants answered, there may be perplexing problems on which he wants counsel, or there may be matters of a personal nature that he wants to talk about. Under these conditions he will seldom seek the counsel of both parents at the same time. Rather, he will choose between the father and the mother, confiding in the one to him that is most approachable.
What kind of relationship are you building with your children? Is it one of loving appreciation and admiration, or one of criticism? Do you take time for them only when it’s convenient or when they need you? These are things you should consider. If you take time to talk to them now, they will take time to talk to you in future. Then you are building a solid relationship with your children as the years go on that will be beneficial to the family.
In the okoye family there are two children – a girl and a boy. Before the children came the husband and wife were most congenial and found great enjoyment in life together. And this happiness continued while the children were young. But as the children grew to school age the father gradually became so absorbed in his business to earn more money that he found very little time to spend at home. Even when he managed to be at home, guests tended to monopolize his attention so that his family found themselves rather in the background. And because the father had no time to attend to them the children began to feel unloved and started to complain.
As a result, he decided that instead of being part of the family’s problems he would be part of the solution. Then Mr. Okoye changed his schedule. Still sticking to his business but now respecting his children’s opinions as well, he started practicing love in the family. He became a pleasant and lovable father. The family got together on a deeper level to the happiness of every one. He stimulated changes in others. The family became a unit wherein everybody loved and respected each other.
Talk with your children. Show them love. Listen to their problems and joys. Show interest in their activities. Attend their school functions if you can. There are two categories of parents when it comes to school functions: those who attended nearly every function and those who never attended any. They have absolutely no interest in what their children are doing or are always away in the office or business.
Just because your children are older does not mean they don’t need your approval and attention any more. Actually, they properly need it more than ever. If they don’t get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere. And this could portent danger for the family. So parent create time to attend to the needs of your children, all that is needed might not be money.
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
The Other Woman
The other woman is that woman who ends up in a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman. “Slut”, “Tramp”, “Home wrecker”, and “Prostitute”, are all words and phrase used to describe the other woman. Many people are of the view that the other woman has no moral and no values. Lord Byron wrote, “A mistress never is nor can be a friend. While you agree, you are ‘lovers’ and when it is over, anything but friends.”
It is understandable that the other woman become the target for the rage and anger of the deceived wife. Blaming the other woman keep the wives from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage, so they pretend that if it had not been for the other woman their husbands would never had had an affair. This is not totally true. The problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different woman.
Ambrose believed he had plenty of justification for his first affair. He was under continual pressure at work. Sandra was preoccupied establishing her career. Their lovemaking had become predictable and uninspired. Sandra had complained of his extra-marital affair. He had acknowledged his weakness and pledged never to stray again. But the first affair was followed by a second. And then another, and soon he’d run out of even lame excuses. Before he realized it his marriage was in danger of breaking because Sandra was not ready to tolerate his unfaithfulness.
The problem was that when Sandra was not around to show her husband love, he sought relief in the arms of other women. However, Official Kirk Franklin wrote, “No wife in her right mind would be happy if her husband had another woman on the side.”
While in other situations, men lie about their wives; making them out to be demons in order to lure the other woman into a relationship. Often of the time they are happily married, only a fun seeker. They are just bored and want the fun of eating their cake and having it back. It is not so much about sex as about the thrill of adventure.
Trust in relationship should not be taken for granted, so when a man betrays his spouse he has lost more than he could have imagined. What may at the time be justified as just a little thing, or something that happened only once, can cause damage that expands like ripples in a pond for years. After so many hurtful lies he has not only lost the trust in his spouse, but they have grown distant from each other. The intimacy is disappearing and they don’t know how to reconnect.
“Five years ago my husband left me and began staying with a girl. Daily she put pressure on him to divorce me. Months passed – horrible, dreadful months. Whenever I tried to phone my husband, she answered the phone. She laughed at me, and never let me speak to him. After a year, my husband came back to me,” Mrs Jones told me.
Mrs. Jones husband saw his lover as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take him away from the burdens of having a wife and family. In the end, he discovers that all the old burdens and issues that came along with his family are the same, the only difference is, and the person he feels responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game.
Married men will say just about anything to keep that thrill going, even promising to leave their wives. If they don’t promise this, it’s because they have children who are keeping them at home. All of these are plausible excuses which the besotted other woman is happy to hear. But unfortunately these excuses are just a bundle of lies. Very few married men actually leave their wives and family for the other woman.
“Being the other woman was never my intention. The pain, anger and sorrow I had caused was my fault and I accept that. If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would have done things differently,” Patricia said.
Sometimes the other woman is also a thrill seeker, but in the long run many other women realize that the relationship has no future and manage to end it. This often happens at great cost to their reputations and careers. And the married man goes back home to his wife.
“There was nothing sinister about being the other woman. I had been in that position many times. But experiences may have been a bit different from the true love stories. I had no qualms about being the tainted person that I was supposed to be. I don’t think my affairs happened by accident. I was in need of male companionship and I didn’t care if they were attached. It didn’t bother me that they had a wife and children,” said Pamela.
What is really the crime of the other woman – falling in love? There are two people in every relationship, so why blame one person? After all, in most cases it is the man who approaches her for a relationship. The man is the one who is married and wrecking his home. He is the one lying and deceiving the other woman. If anyone should be blamed, he is the one. He is the home wrecker.
In some cases when the women start relationships with a married man, they rarely know that he is married. He will woe them, pursue them and make them feel like the only woman for him. By the time they discover the truth, they have fallen in love. Even he acknowledges that he is married, he will lie he is at the verge of going through a divorce. He will claim to be desperately unhappy, lonely and create a feeling that there is future for the relationship to blossom into something serious.
“Being the other woman can be a lonely game. You meet a man, fall in love and when it is too late you discover he is a married man. Then you start playing the cat and mouse game, hoping not to get caught by the wife,” a deceived mistress complained.
Don’t allow the actions of your unfaithful husband cause you to feel ashamed or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful husband, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. It is said that living well is the best revenge. So live well in a manner that helps you heal your feelings instead of causing you more pain.
Some affairs are not a rejection of you but a rejection of his roles as husband and the restrictions marriage brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down the drain. They are not reality, they are an illusion. The other woman is only showing her best side, she is being all she can be to your husband. Things artificial have short lifespan. No one can carry the act for a long time. Her true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When the other woman starts making demands, she will begin to feel as if he has another spouse to take care of instead of a lover.
Don’t make the other woman more important than she really is. She happened to be in the right place at the right time. She is not special. Your husband is looking for an affair, not looking for her in particular. She is not superior to you; she is simply different from you. You are his wife, she is only his lover. Your role as his wife outweighs hers. Spend time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and find solution to those problems. Treat the cause of the ailment and not the symptoms. Once the cause of the ailment is arrested the symptoms will disappear.
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
One of the most important qualities a woman can have is confidence. Most women have limited self-confidence and others have no self-confidence at all. They dwell on their own weaknesses and limitations, and they eventually settle for far less than what they are really worth. Being self-confident is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. Poor self-confidence is the number one cause of failure in relationships. If you don’t have self-confidence, you will be willing to bend backward because you will not believe you are worthy of love. This will create the impression that you are desperate and he’d want to see how far you’d be willing to bend. Confident women approach relationships differently. Their ability to see their self-worth and know they’re something great gives them the ability to handle romantic situations, in ways that women who lack confidence just can’t. They’re not arrogant. Confident women are strong and independent. They seem resilient against adversity in their lives and turn each stumbling block into a stepping stone to self-fulfillment and happiness. Here are twenty-four ways confident women do relationships differently.
Confident women don’t guess if he likes them
Women with high self-confidence believe they are worthy of love and don’t question how someone feels about them. Confident women never try too hard to make an impression. They don’t coax affection out of men. Insecure women try to over-compensate and as a result are seen to be desperate and this lessen a man’s respect. But confident women know that they are good, competent, and lovable and trust that the right person for them will see their outstanding virtues. They don’t attach their worth to what a guy thinks and, as a result, don’t feel stressed and anxious when a man’s feelings are not platonic. The minute a man feels you’re trying too hard to have a relationship, he starts taking you for granted.
Confident women define their goals
They set high goals focusing on what they excel in, more than dwelling on their weaknesses. But insecure women dwell on their weaknesses and their inabilities; depending on others to set gosla for them. A confident woman's goals are defined by her, not anyone else. They acknowledge that they have imperfections, but realize this is part of being human and accept every mistake as a personal learning experience. When you applaud your fears, neuroses, and quirks, these qualities become your assets. She can do whatever she wants to do. Nothing can hold her back. Embrace your goods and teach others to embrace theirs. Ashamed of your intelligence? Intelligence is not necessarily IQ grades, or years of schooling or degrees acquired. Brian Tracy wrote, “If you act intelligently, you are intelligent.” And when further to explain that, “An intelligent way of acting is acting in a manner that is consistent with the achievement of your self-professed goals.” Forget the degrees and do what makes you feel like a genius, and you’ll be unstoppable.
Confident women don’t feel guilty if a relationship falls apart
They believe that for every woman there is a man and that not everyone is a match and sometimes, two people are just incompatible. Confident women don’t take it personally when a relationship fails. They realize that it must not be the right match and they move on, with their sense of self firmly intact. When a girl is insecure, however, and a guy leaves, she becomes discouraged and feels that she was unworthy of love. She may obsess, analyze, and replay every interaction in an attempt to uncover what she did wrong. She holds on to the destructive belief that she was the problem and that she is unlovable that is why the relationship failed.
They don't sit around over-analyzing things
Many women are guilty of over-analyzing. Women who are lacking in confidence can wind up in self-created drama, reading wrong meaning to whatever happens. Confident women's lack of self-doubt helps keep them from getting into any analytical game.
They are independent
There is one aspect of holding your own in a relationship that cannot be overlooked: money. Most self-confident women are financially independent. You don’t have to be rich, you just have to maintain the ability to take care of yourself. Confident women will usually maintain their independence and contribute to the relationship in some way because their pride won’t allow them to be perceived as burden on someone else. They place their dignity above all else, even if they are dating a very successful man. In a relationship of any kind, if a man feels the woman isn’t bringing anything to the table, he will begin to disrespect the woman. Sherry Argov wrote, “The ability to take care of yourself ensures that all of the following will remain intact: the mental challenge, the respect, the longevity of the relationship and the sexual desire.”
Confident women don’t take anything too personally
Women who have confidence always see the brighter side of life and refuse to wallow in their own pity, because they know it will only harm them in the end. Confident women are also aware that they cannot control other people’s emotions, but can only control their reaction to them. But when insecure women hear criticism, they take it personally. They don't take it personally, but they don't put up with any disrespect either. For too long, women have had to live in a world where they shrug off whatever disgusting treatment that is hurled at them.
Confident women set boundaries
Sensible personal boundaries and high self-confidence go hand in hand. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else’s needs and emotions. Confident women know what they will and will not accept and don’t allow themselves to be pressured or pushed into doing things they don’t want to do, while insecure women do the opposite. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” They act in accordance with who they are and never do things solely to keep him interested and happy. Insecure women have weak boundaries, and may become doormat in a relationship by putting up with treatment that they know is objectively unacceptable.
Confident women admit their weaknesses
No one is perfect. Confident women have their weaknesses as well. Weaknesses are an inevitable and unavoidable fact of life. But the difference is that while other women have the tendency to focus on their weaknesses, confident women focus on their strengths. Self-confident women not only admit their imperfections, they applaud them. They know where their strengths lie, where they can improve and when to step aside and let others take the lead. They know that trying to be perfect at everything is impossible so they dwell continually on their areas of potential excellence.
Confident women are capable of making decisions
Confident women trust themselves to make the right choices while also realizing they are well equipped to cope should things go awry. Confident women can be soft and very feminine, but they still have quiet dignity. They let people know in graceful way that they won’t easily be manipulated. They act on how they feel and are comfortable being their true, authentic selves. Insecure women don’t trust their judgment, don’t trust their gut instincts, and are afraid of being wrong. As a result, they either live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, or they look to others to guide them along the right path. Men are instantly drawn to this person by their self-assurance and positive outlook on themselves.
Confident women don’t show arrogance
Being a confident woman isn’t about exuding a certain kind of arrogance. Confident women don’t need to tell the world how great they are. They don’t need to tell people about it, they already know. Only insecure people secretly feel that they are unworthy and feel the need to hide this by bragging about their achievements or talking about themselves. The confident women don’t discuss deep issues in the beginning. They don’t talk about their achievements early in the relationship because they don’t need to sell themselves; rather, they use dating as a means to determine which guys are worthy of their time and affection. They reveal themselves gradually, carefully peeling back the layers over time, making them more attractive than insecure women who lay it all out there.
Confident women accept responsibility
They accept total responsibility for their situations, with no excuses and no blaming of others. They take responsibility for their choices, whether good and bad, and use their mistakes as opportunities to grow and become even better. To them accepting responsibility is not an option but mandatory. They don’t indulge in the luxury of blaming others or making excuses for parts of their lives that are not satisfactory as insecure women would do. If they disagree with their partners they accept responsibility for their actions and emotions. They don’t blame or shame their partners if they feel unhappy and don’t blame men for being jerks and they don’t view themselves as the victims of other people and circumstances.
Confident women accept relationships the way it is
Confident women feel secure in their relationships. They don’t need to be given a ring before they believe that the man cares. They are able to just be present in the relationship and let it unfolds without force or pressure. This is not to say they stay with guys who won’t commit. If a guy can’t commit in the way they want, then they’ll move on. Married, single, or divorced, they feel good about themselves. They are able to give and receive freely in their relationships and as a result, they don’t stress out about marital status.
Confident women waste time in bad relationships
Poor self-worth is what traps insecure women in bad relationships, and that is what cause them to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends. Confident people do not stay in relationships where they don’t feel respected, appreciated, and valued. They don’t wait around in dead-end relationships, hoping something will magically change. Only insecure people put up with treatment that is unacceptable, in large part because they feel that that’s what they deserve on some level.
Confident women don’t seek reassurance
Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance? Women with high self-confidence know they are loved and lovable. As a result, they don’t need their partners to remind them every day – it’s just something they feel and know. Sherry Argov, the author of Why Men Love Bitches wrote, “A man loses respect for a woman who needs his approval, particularly when she will overcompensate to get it.” If you don’t truly believe you are worthy of love, you will never believe someone else can love you. As long as you stay in control of who you are your partner will respect you. But not when you are insecure, and need constant validation and you lash out and become resentful if your partner doesn’t give it to you, he retreats because he feels pressured. When a man thinks about a woman who has control over herself, he automatically thinks about her preferences and about ways to please her. Then you may work harder to try to please him and earn his love, or you may withhold your love and affection to even the score. You view his retreat as a sign he doesn’t love you and fall into despair. He resents that nothing he does is good enough and the fact that you don’t trust his efforts and stops trying; you see this as further proof he doesn’t care, consequently, either the relationship ends or continues to make you both miserable indefinitely. A confident woman doesn’t obsess over her partner’s reassurance.
Confident women choose wisely
The ability to make their own choices in life is the confident women’s most important tool. Confident people use their head and heart when choosing a romantic partner. They are able to quickly assess if someone is emotionally healthy and can give them what they need in a relationship. A core concept to understand when it comes to relationships is like attracts like. They don’t let their ego get too intertwined with their emotions and they make sure they are fundamentally compatible with someone before they get too involved. An insecure person will unconsciously seek out relationships with men who will make them feel more insecure. They will want the unavailable guys, the guys who can’t commit, the guys who have walls up. These are the ones they will feel infatuated by, not the ones who show real, genuine interest. Oftentimes, this happens because on an unconscious level, the insecure girl feels that if she can break through his walls, or get him to change his ways, then she’ll really be worthy and valuable. This never, ever works. Instead, she just ends up compromising her integrity even further by chasing the relationship.
Confident women Have Better Sex
Sex is a major component in a relationship, and confident women know that. What they also know is that they’re hot. They are plenty sexy, which is precisely why they don’t throw it out there casually. In feeling really comfortable in their skin and embracing their body, confident women just naturally have better sex because they tell their partners what they like. They’re more assertive. Some women fake orgasm because they feel that in the bedroom they have to put up a riveting performance but not the confident women. They don’t usually define themselves by outside standards. They are more honest. They ask for what they want. If their partners don’t do it right, they won’t encourage them by giving disingenuous feedback, but will tell them the truth because she cares about her own pleasure.
Confident women are not afraid to say no
Confident women aren’t afraid to say "no" when something doesn’t suit them. Confident women don’t overcommit and they don’t make false promises. What this means when it comes to relationships is that confident women don’t settle, and have zero fear when it comes to expressing their emotions. They’d rather state the truth and decline rather than tell a white lie and then flake out later. And, they don’t have time for everything. No one does. The difference is, burnout simply isn’t on a confident woman’s agenda, so she makes sure to commit to things she’ll actually enjoy instead of piling every little thing onto her calendar for the sake of other people.
Confident women never lose their identity
Women with healthy boundaries will not lose themselves in a relationship, and will not allow their identities to be entirely contingent upon how their partners see them. They will continue to maintain their own lives outside of the relationship without giving up their friends, hobbies, or alone time. Confident women don’t abandon parts of themselves in order to have a relationship. They bring their fully formed self into the relationship and if the guy wants something else, or something more, they leave. They won’t abandon important parts of themselves or their lives for the sake of the relationship and if a man wants something else or something more than they’re willing to give, they’ll leave. This is because when a woman is in love, it can be really easy to lose herself in it. Confident women don’t fall into that category; they keep themselves as separate entities. For them, never losing sight of who they are and what they want out of life and their relationship is always paramount.
Confident women understand their emotions
No matter what the circumstance is, confident women strive to understand their emotions and own up to them. She won’t sugarcoat anything or use euphemisms. There’s no hide and seek happening with their jealousy, they let it all out. They are forthright. They are direct about their preferences and they let their partners know what their dos and don’ts are with respect to how they want to be treated. When they notice disrespect from their partners, they point it out without hesitation.
They enjoy solitude
Confident women have a little quality time each day for themselves. Reveling in a few moments to themselves during the day to relax and feel free of others’ obligations is a must. Richard Templar wrote, “You need that time to regenerate, renew, and invigorate yourself. You need that down time to recharge and repair. If you don’t, you aren’t taking on fresh fuel, your engine will run down and so will you.” These women cherish their friends and family, but also realize that it is important to have their down time, where they can completely indulge themselves. This is a little space for them, a breathier, and a time to sit still and do absolutely nothing. Just breathe. They just sit there not thinking, not doing anything, not worrying, just being, while appreciating the pleasure of being alive. It helps to purge them of angst and worries.
Confident women choose their lifestyle
Confidence women do not let the media dictate their physical appearances or behaviors, because they know that it is all misleading. These women are confident in their lifestyle choices, whether they decide to get married and have a family or not. They are not afraid to define themselves and defy public opinion. They have their own look. Their own style. Their own charisma. Their own brand of charm.
Confident women listen
While confident women trust their own judgment, they are also secure enough to listen to their partners. These women know trying to accomplish everything alone is virtually impossible. Knowing when to listen and when to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. They won’t necessarily like what they hear all the time, but they don’t throw a tantrum when their partners express their views. They believe criticism should be constructive, and that listening to others’ opinions is a good way to get their problems resolved.
Confident women are not scared to love
Regardless of how brutal or shameful one’s romantic past may be, the confident women never miss the opportunity to love again. Confident women don’t let their past hold them back. They know they are worthy of a great relationship, strong enough to survive if it doesn’t work out and to weather the crappy outcomes; while the insecure women will remain heartbroken for a long time.
Confident apologize when they are wrong
They admit when you’re wrong. Not only are confident women not afraid to admit that they’ve erred, but they’re also not scared to apologize. Confident women welcome the chance to learn from their mistakes, and that in turn makes for a stronger and healthier way of dealing with conflict in their relationship. Confident women listen to their guilt, figure out how to right their wrong and then they adjust.