"My Testimony on The Effects of Men & Women on the DOWN-LOW(DL)" Written By Purify Love ©2015 / Written at
5:00pm on 2/11/2015
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Being one that has come out of the "Lifestyle" of Homosexuality, Bi-Sexuality, and being on the Down-Low, I must share my experience on the Relevance of this topic. When I began to have strong attractions towards women, that I can remember, was about 6 years old. I was molested when I was 3yrs. old by the GODmother of my adoptive family. This opened a pandora's box up in my life at a time that my mind was not even fully developed enough to understand what she was doing or had done to me. Nonetheless, it was an irreversible selfish act placed upon me that would inevitably change and effect the majority of my life. Growing up, I can remember the dynamics of a very saddened young girl, plagued with not knowing my biological mother or father, becoming orphaned, then another label being placed on me as a foster child in a home where I wasn't even being fed. By the time I was adopted and placed into a permanent home, that home was full of physical abuse by my adoptive mother, and then the molestation happened. I rationalized, reasoned, and wondered, is there a God, so I would pray hoping that there was and He would take all these bad things away...I can remember being a very young girl crying myself to sleep thinking, "maybe my biological mother would come look for me and save me from all of this pain", I thought of her as "Wonder Woman" back then. As I became older in my adolescence, I can remember being attracted to my 1st Grade Teacher, she always had a mothering spirit towards me, and payed me special attention. Instead of just looking at this and receiving it as genuine love, I would subconsciously and unknowingly translate it into attraction towards her. The more she showed me love, the more attracted I became. I can remember feeling hyper-sexual as a small child and not understanding what I was experiencing. It is AMAZING what a few Violative touches by an adult can do to a child. I can remember having my first little boyfriend in the 2nd grade, I was attracted to boys & girls at the time, looking back I now realize that, but at the time, I battled with the normalcy of if girls were supposed to like girls. So I kept that part of me to myself, not knowing how to talk about it to an adult or who to talk to, as abuse was transpiring in my home, so I didn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable about my feelings, (parents take not of this, you must be AWARE and step outside of selfishness in order to provide a safe environment for your child, for you never know what they may be struggling with no matter how young). As I became older in adolescence I battled and literally struggled with my security, confidence, self-esteem, soul, spirit, and mind, I was in conflict within myself, and was fighting a battle that not one person knew was going on. I was a Tomboy growing up, loved playing basketball, football, boxing, etc...just loved being with the boys, I cannot say exclusively that this was a bi-product of the molestation, but more so a acclimation to assimilate to my surroundings as I had around me 2 brothers, a father, and a mother that had a Type-A personality(More aggressive than passive). I did not really have a softer feminine presence around me consistently enough to show me the ends and outs of femininity, not that my mother was not feminine, but she was more so authoritative and aggressive with me than compassionate. This created distance and a break down in our mother-daughter relationship, it also caused me not to feel SAFE in my femininity and less protected, so it was easier for me to copy, imitate, and immolate that of the male counterparts that surrounded me everyday within my home. Honestly it felt safer to me in case I needed to protect my feeling, emotions, or physical self from hurt, harm, or danger, besides men never really talked much about anything serious, so it was fun hanging with the boys during a complex internal life I was experiencing. I can remember watching my dad and imitating the way he crossed his legs, the way he read the newspaper, he drank coffee, so I assimilated, unknowingly to myself and others. As I came into my pre-teens, my attraction towards females became a mental consumption, diabolical in a sense, in that my mind and heart was infatuated with desirous notions and temptations on stepping outside of myself to attempt to be with a female, the craving begin to eat me from the inside out. I started sneaking and watching sexually provocative movies when I was between 8-10 on cable, HBO to be specific, and then was introduced to pornography in my teens. This only added to the strong sexual desire I had secretly to be with a woman. I was feeding a fire and flame that I had no idea would burn me and eventually consume me. I was ashamed and felt less than a woman to like women, I knew in my heart that it was not normalcy, but I could not control my urges and did not have an (out)let other than to LET-IT-OUT! I battled back and forth to just come out and tell someone, but I couldn't, I did not want my family to be ashamed of me, and what residue of self-esteem that I had left I didn't want to be snatched away by the judgments of my parents or others. When I turned 14, I could not hold this desire anymore and fell in love with a girl at my school. We decided to keep it on the Down-Low for fear of our families and peers finding out. This was her and my 1st experience with same-sex attraction. I can remember our relationship being very co-dependant, over-sexualized, and possesive, it was a living emotional roller-coaster to say the least. One day my father and her family found letters written on similar paper that we had wrote each other. The CAT was out of the bag. I can remember my father saying, "I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY IN MY HOUSEHOLD", after embarrassing me by reading the letter I wrote to me out loud. I can remember my mother saying "Bi***, I will never forgive you". They were hurt that I had lied to them for so long and others that surrounded me, which I did, so I get both sides mines and theirs, it was difficult. It was the classic story of Judgment, one that shaped my life for the majority of my life. Eventually I tried to commit suicide in an attempt to end it all, I just could not face my life, self, or others anymore. I felt I was empty and my soul became dark. Another area in my life that had failed yet again, another area of acceptance that I found myself without, I felt lost, my identity shattered over and over again. Although my parents had concrete evidence, I still never admitted it, thinking it would all just go away, and also, because I hadn't admitted to myself FULLY that I was indeed a homosexual. The more I stayed in the homosexual relationship, the more manly I became, feeling I had something to prove and be more masculine than the men I saw in everyday life, I was consumed on how to please my girlfriend and wanted to marry her, I considered her the only person to love me for who I was without judgment, so it fueled the fire causing me to lose more of myself in her, as I felt she was my only safe-haven. She broke up with me after several years of being together and I found out she was cheating on me with a man when he answered the phone, while she was at his house during being away to college. I attempted to take my life over this hurt from my then girlfriend. My life was shattered. Rejection seemed to be a part of my DNA that I could not relinquish from my life since birth, adding a deeper sense of VOID, with me trying to fill it with anything I could get my hands on. I dated a few more girls, and then at 17 I dated a guy that I agreed to make an official serious boyfriend as he showed me the attention that I was missing from my own father, as my father was a great father, but emotionally unavailable in my teenage years. I had many sexual encounters with the few females I dated, but was a virgin with men. Nevertheless this first official boyfriend raped me and threatened to kill me during the process of that rape, he told me if I tell anyone he would kill my family, as he was a big time Hustler and later I found out he was an undercover corrupt DEA. Teens can find themselves in the craziest of situations...young and naive. All those years, I had still not come out to those surrounding me about the truth of my sexual identity. But the rape was the final straw. I sat all my boys (my male friends I hung out with day in and out), and while smoking some marijuana and drinking (which were some of my coping mechanisms), I came clean and said, "I am a homosexual." To my surprise, (as you think you are hiding, but people can see you), some of them said, they already knew, others asked me questions of why, but overall they said they accepted me and didn't care. I felt good about this. I began to become more forthright in my new found masculinity and homosexual identity. I had times where I hated men and was not attracted to them at all, and then times of bi-sexuality where I was attracted to both men and women. During the times of bi-sexuality, I feared telling the men that I was with about my attraction towards women, so i didn't in the former part, but eventually they found out by being told or seeing signs and ended up hurt that lied to them and was not honest from the beginning, I understood their anger and pain, yet I still continued in my lie, to afraid. As I got into adulthood, I battled with coming out about being bi-sexual, as they are looked at as greedy and freaks among the straight and homosexual community. Eventually someone I spoke with in private said to me, "you Tiffany, have to be honest with Tiffany, it is not right nor fair for you to bring someone into a relationship with you without giving them the choice to decide if they want to deal with someone who is bi-sexual or not, some will, some won't, but at least you have respected their soul by giving them the right and respect, and also you are showing respect and love for yourself by being honest and true to yourself." I thought, she is right, I had already hurt many by not coming clean, and my conscious increased to respect others by being honest with my truth, they can take it or leave it, I need to be ok with that, and even more so ok with MYSELF. So, I set off on my new found me, and stated from the beginning that I was attracted to both sexes when dealing with men, and women, as gay women felt that as well that it was also a betrayal not to tell them, as some gay women do not like to deal with bi-sexual women. The more I did it, the more empowered I felt because I was being honest with myself and others and I allowed them to choose if this was something they were ok within their souls with, and that in turn was freeing to me. During my time in the life, which spanned over 20 years, I had many friends from all walks of the LBGT Community. I have seen the struggles with coming clean about sexual identity, I have been to male gay clubs and seen men being sexual with other men, and knowing that when they walk out of the club they act straight, have wives, children, and counterparts that have no clue of their secret lives. I have seen bi-sexual women in gay clubs that have husbands, children, and their counterparts have no idea of their secret lifestyles. I have seen men and women cheating on each other with the same sex, and I have DONE IT. I have seen people hide a COMPLETE OTHER LIFE from the populace successfully while practicing every secret perversion under the sun. There is a WHOLE OTHER WORLD many do not know that's out there or that even EXISTS. It is going on in clubs, in gyms, in homes, and anywhere where those of the Down-Low community can set up SHOP to follow their secret desires and fulfill their lustful cravings and strong addictions of choice. The TRUTH is what must be said today, the truth is what heals, the truth is what saves destruction from the Down Low Individual and those that he/she are connected with inter-personally. See what the Down-Low person is not thinking about is how it will adversely effect their children (if they have children), how it will damage their marriage if practicing infidelity, how it will cause violation towards and within the individuals that are their partners who do not know the truth as of yet, what if they find out? The damage has already been done. They do not realize how much damage they are inflicting upon themselves to have to carry the weight of lies and continue to lie just to protect the previous lies. The consequences are extreme. I have known women to turn to women, (same-sex-attraction), after being betrayed by a down-low man, and vice versa, I have known men to turn to men, after being betrayed by their wife or significant other. The effects could be a lifetime of damage, you never know how your selfish actions will adversely effect another maybe even for the rest of their lives. The truth of the matter is that, if you are on the Down-Low, then you have not yet accepted your SELF. It is one thing to be gay and profess that to make others aware that need to know, that is respectable and honest, people can choose to be what or who they want, but to fool others and yourself, while knowingly taking the risk of possibly hurting another is dark in nature, it is deceitful. I was that dark-natured person, that deceitful person, I regret all of the people I hurt, damaged, or effected by betraying them with a life of lies that I actively brought them into without them even knowing. I have since apologized to all that I have hurt in those years previously, and underwent a great amount of christian counseling over my adolescent and even adult years to allow God to heal and clean off the remaining residue that was there. GOD wants you to be honest, be whole, be healed, be loved, and be accepted by HIM. He knows what is going on in your soul, mind, spirit, life, and world. He understands that this world we live in is dark, cold, complex, and can offer some of the most hardest situations to the most greatest, beautiful, and most sincerest spirited people. It is time to come clean. It is time to deal with that elephant that is in the room haunting you, getting bigger by the second. It is time for the mirrors to come from out of the closet, from under the bed, from all the places one may hide them as not to see self. It is time for FREEDOM, and that freedom is in your VOICE to say, I AM WHO I AM, and I must confront that, face it, accept, reject it, or CHANGE. I must DECIDE to live a life that is honest, whole, healthy, and free of regret, no matter who thinks what about it, I must be ok with being me, and if I am not, then I must ASK MYSELF, WHY AM I DOING IT AT ALL. Once I was faced with this question, I personally decided to allow God to heal me, and knew that a heterosexual lifestyle was what I truly desired, but life had intercepted that. I than took the steps and pathway necessary towards becoming whole through healing, I had the support of GOD, many mentors, teachers, people from my church, counselors, and even friends that helped me along the way towards wholeness and healthiness. Not everyone accepted me, or understood my struggle, but that was ok, because there were some that did, and that made all the world of difference in my support process. I am grateful that I can no say, I live my life in the LIGHT of TRUTH, and my life is now WHOLE, because I earned it, by going and growing through the process of self-confrontation. I can now say with all audacity, power, and honesty...I AM FREE. I love ALL of you who are going through any of these areas of being on the down-low or being in the lifestyle period, I understand, I have lived it's depths, and I told my story to help those that are seeking answers, those that are tired of crying alone silently, those that are trapped in situations where they NEVER thought they'd be, I have been there. I have had to come clean on so many occasions and speak the truth because my conscious could not hurt another partner, another human being, another life, thus hurting myself even deeper. The DOWN-LOW does not have to be the DOWN LOW. Come clean, be ok with you, even if you don't fully understand that you, if you need help, ask, without fear, those that judge you and are insensitive to helping you come out should not be in your circle anyway, that is THEIR TEST to pass, not yours to take on and internalize. GOD has help, and HE WILL send it. Just take my life as an example as to what GOD can do for ANYONE. May God bless you ALL and HEAR your prayers of healing, for we ALL are HIS children, and HE is waiting t come in and love on the souls of those that desire it. Also, I am here, if you need guidance, prayer, an ear, or a pathway on coming out of it, you are not alone as this effects thousands across the world. Also, if you are the family, spouse, or child of someone that you suspect or have found evidence of someone doing this, I will assist you in whatever way i can with God's guidance. All people's hearts are important, let healing cover the wounds of many in these perilous times, it is time to let LOVE in, for LOVE heals ALL.
~Purify Love/Purify Love Movement ©2015~
The Purify Love Movement
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