Friday, 7 April 2017

Always Attracting Men That Can't Commit? Here's Why



Regardless of where the phrase was born, the noncommittal man is here today and here, most likely, to stay. And there are definite red flags that give him away. Before trying to formulate your own personal commitment-phobe repellent, though, it's important to recognize the red flags in you.
Yes, you.
There are two red flags that indicate you're a woman who may fall in love with and become addicted to a noncommittal man.

1. You're "The Romantic."


Photo Credit: Stocksy

The Romantic believes in love at first sight and being swept off her feet.
So, when she meets a man who sees her across a crowded room and pursues her at a brisk pace, she impulsively jumps to the conclusion that he's "The One."
Romantic ladies—when a man tries to inhale you like a drug or shake you up to turn you into "Instant Girlfriend," he's most likely a sex and love addict. I call him Mr. Need-for-Speed.
This is one of the most confusing types of noncommittal men because, for a brief time, even he believes you're the remedy to his inability to commit. (Think Daniel Cleaver's charming rogue in Bridget Jones.)
This sex- and love-addicted man knows he's got issues, but rather than dealing with them himself, he's looking for that one special lady who will cure him.
Unfortunately, his efforts are misguided because as soon as the girl is hooked, his fear of engulfment kicks in and he runs for the hills.
Romantic women often come from chaotic homes peopled with dramatic, neglectful, or addicted parents.
These types of women often played the childhood role of therapist, priest, caretaker, or rescuer with a parent.
This leaves romantic women with a huge hole that needs to be filled. So, if we haven't done our emotional healing work, we will continue attracting partners who mirror our childhood role models.
You're a romantic woman if you:
  • Mistake sex and new romantic excitement for love.
  • Choose partners who are emotionally unavailable.
  • Choose partners who have demanding needs but do not meet yours.
  • Use sex, seduction, and manipulation to "hook" or hold on to a partner.
  • Find it difficult to leave unhealthy or emotionally abusive relationships even though you keep promising yourself you will.

2. You're "The Thrill-Seeker."


Photo Credit: Stocksy

The Thrill-Seeker loves a challenge. She tends to be attracted to the Brooding-Broken-Bad-Boy who has left a string of trampled hearts in his wake.
He might even come right out and warn The Thrill-Seeker that he's not the committed type.
But does that stop her? Nope. She's confident she can change the guy, and it doesn't hurt that he's charismatic and easy on the eyes.
The Thrill-Seeker might even meet with some early success and land him in bed, where he's most expressive and passionate.
But, quickly The Thrill-Seeker realizes in bed is the only place he's willing to commit. And should enough time go by...even that commitment waxes and wanes.
The Thrillseeker also comes from a chaotic home, but her reaction is the opposite of the Romantic woman's reaction.
The Thrill-Seeker might have felt smothered by her family of origin and couldn't wait to break away.
So, a nice guy standing in front of her, ready to commit, often scares her more than a noncommittal bad boy who keeps running away.
The Thrill-Seeker has her own fear of commitment lurking in the wings.
So, ladies, it's not enough just to know that you should avoid both the passionate Mr. Need-for-Speed and the intriguing Brooding-Broken-Bad-Boy.
It's most important that you understand yourself. Ask yourself these questions and journal your answers:
  • What fears and needs control me?
  • Do I mistake sex for love? What does that look like?
  • Am I my man's psychiatrist, priest, caretaker, mother,and scold? What does that look like?
  • What are my values?
  • What are my goals for my romantic life?
  • How do I abandon my values and goals when I date or am in a relationship?
The first step in avoiding noncommittal men is to understand where you come from and know where you want to go.
Avoid the "familiar" or the "challenging" if you come from a chaotic home.
Take contrary action by exploring the unfamiliar territory of getting to know a man slowly before falling into bed and becoming sexually bonded.
You are your first best defense against falling in love with a noncommittal man.
There are many paths to self-knowledge and self-love; my favorite is 12-step recovery.
For those of us who chase noncommittal, inconsistent, critical, unfaithful men, both Al-Anon and CODA are exceptional.
You might also do well in a religious community, with a private therapist or with the guidance of a higher power.
But the one thing you should know above all is that the noncommittal man is just a symptom of the problem and may well be the catalyst you need to heal yourself and take responsibility for your own life.
Article by Shannon Colleary culled from Mindbodygreen.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

16 Traits That Make Men Fall Head-Over-Heels In Love With You





Do you think you’ve met the perfect man? if he really makes you feel unique, loved and appreciated for who you are and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, well maybe it’s time for you to act and make him fall head-over-heels for you. He only knows that you look great. So what will make him realize that you really are the girl he's been waiting his whole life for, and make him want to give up his heart? Like it or not, dating is a game. Play your cards right and he will fall head-over-heels. Why do men desire, respect and pursue some women—and not others? What is the magic allure that causes a man to prefer a woman over another, fall in love and seriously consider marriage? If you really know all there is to know about the man of your dreams and you are absolutely sure you want to spend every waking moment with him, here are 16 personality traits that will make just about any guy fall head over heels for you.
Polished Appearance
Men truly are visual creatures and they are drawn to a woman's polished appearance and femininity. The primary visual factors that get a man’s attention are your eyes, what you’re wearing, how your hair looks, your boots, your perfume, your legs and depending on his taste, your body shape. Whichever you are well endowed with take advantage of them. After that, men are looking for more vital and enduring traits.
You're Approachable
You're not the type of woman that gets all dreamy-eyed just because an attractive guy has decided to talk to you. Of course, in any good relationship both partners have to choose each other, and for the right reasons. Don’t play games like intentionally pretend that you aren't interested while your heart is actually fluttering. If you're interested and think he's attractive, let it automatically show through your body language. Eye contact and a smile are powerful flirting tools that get a man’s initial attention. You'll be smiling, laughing at his jokes, your eyes will light up, and he'll notice that. Just be who you actually are — a woman who finds him attractive on the surface, but who needs to find out what's underneath to be convinced that he's the right guy for you. A quick glance, a soft smile and a slow look away lets a man know you're interested. Look at this as a chance to find out if he really is a guy that you want to get to know better. That's just not much to go on. So, approach the situation as exactly with caution. He's superficially attractive, but he's going to have to prove to you that he's worth have you before after all, you just met him. He'll notice that you're clearly not desperate. Men love this because they truly want to win you over; they're biologically wired for the chase, so let him chase you.
Show Interest in Knowing Him
How could you possibly know anything more about him than how he looks, walks and smiles? One of the keys in knowing your partner is by asking a few questions about him — where he grew up, how many siblings he has, any pets? Not to the point of it sounding like an interview, and certainly not questions that are inappropriately personal, but generally you're showing him that you're interested in getting to know him better. This makes him realize that once you're in a relationship together it won't just be all about you. If you study your partner and learn about him, his personality, likes and dislikes, you will be able to easily do things he will really appreciate.
Don’t be Desperate
Try to control your impulses and do not overwhelm him by always showing him how much you love him. I know this may sound a bit counterproductive, but by giving your loved one his space, you can show him you love him just the way he is. Don’t smother him. I’m sure that by now he must be aware of how special he is to you and he must know how much he means to you, so just give him some time to make up his mind. Don’t pressure him.
Don’t be Needy
One of the most important and simple ways to make him fall head-over-heels for you is by making sure you show him you’re an independent woman who can always take good care of herself. You mustn't sound too needy. Nobody likes to be with someone who’s not able to take care of herself and who’s constantly whining and complaining about everything. You should first prove to him that you are strong enough to always take care of yourself.
Be Authentic
In the beginning men just want to have a good time and they are turned off if you're too serious. Men really do want to make an emotional connection with a woman. A light-hearted attitude is an indicator that you will be easy to get along—even when the relationship gets serious. Authentic means you share your true thoughts, you truly listen to what he is saying, and you’re not afraid to show your vulnerable side and share your flaws. If you are authentic, he is more apt to relax and show you his true self, which makes him to want to spend more time with you. A woman who is authentic is in her best self and your best self will bring out the best in a man.
Say I’m Sorry
I know that sometimes it can be hard for you to admit you did something wrong and apologize. If you really want him to love you unreservedly, then you must make some effort in order for your relationship to work. Learn to admit your mistakes and say I’m sorry. Don’t let your pride get in the way. Your man will appreciate your honesty; will fall head-over-heels for you and he will also see what a great catch you are.
Be Confident
You should be confident of yourself but not arrogant. You've to possess that kind of quiet confidence that allows you to feel comfortable in almost any situation because you feel good about yourself and your capabilities. When you're confident, your body language shows it in the way you make eye contact, the way you carry yourself, and your easy smile. Men can't help but be attracted to a woman who's just so sure of herself.
Tolerate His Flaws
You must be aware of both his qualities and his flaws before you decide to take this big step. You need to show him that you love him for who he is; that you are aware of both his qualities and his flaws. Just try to embrace his shortcomings and don’t try to change him or transform him into someone you want. You want to be loved for who you are and so does he. Just accept him the way he is and try to see the good side of his imperfections.
Feel Sexy
It's not only about looking sexy, it's about feeling sexy. It's not about what you're wearing on the outside; low cut dress and stiletto heels kind of sexy but the kind of sensual, self-assured, and being comfortable in your own skin. When you feel sexy, it will automatically show through your body language, the way you move, and the way you smile. When you feel sexy, you'll be sexy.
Surprise Him
I’m sure your man already knows what a great catch you are, but if you want to make him fall head-over-heels for you, then you should try to show him he is the one by surprising him every single day. You don’t need to go over the top, you can show him your love and appreciation by making him little but meaningful surprises such as gifts, cook his favorite meal, etc.
Withholding Early Sex
However, even with the nice guys, it's your job to discourage a man when he is moving too fast sexually. It’s the allure of sex that inflames some men’s desire to pursue a woman. Saying “no” to sex in the early stages of dating is not a manipulative ploy, because when a woman caves in for sex too soon, she appears too cheap. You need time to develop feelings and trust for the man. He may lose interest and respect for you and his motivation for the chase.
Thank Him For Little Things
One of the easiest ways to make your man fall head-over-heels with you is by thanking him for every little thing that he does. Express your gratitude for the smallest things. He will feel appreciated and loved and you will also help increase his self-esteem. He will realize that he feels amazing spending every little moment with you and he will definitely take the big step forward into showering love on you.
Be a Mystery
A woman who doesn't immediately reveal the intimate details of her life intrigues men. Women who divulge their hurtful past and personal problems on the first date will dilute their attractiveness and allure. A tinge of mystique can challenge a man prowess, making him to want to know you better. But don’t be evasive, scheming or play jealous mind games because then he won't trust you and pull away.
Don’t Be Clinger
You have your own life. You are busy, successful and self-reliant. You love your life. You enjoy your career. You have your own interests and hobbies. It's as simple as mentioning a project that you're working on, talking about an interesting course that you're taking for fun, or a weekend getaway you have planned with your girlfriends. You have solid relationships with your family and friends, and you’re socially active. Men want to know that once the two of you start dating you won't be looking for them to be your sole source of a social life and happiness in general. By casually letting him know that you have other interests and that you like to spend time with your friends, he'll feel good knowing that you'll be alright without him when he needs his alone time. He will really appreciate the fact that you understand him and that you’re not trying to change him. Nobody wants the clinger — the girl who has no social life of her own except for going out with her girlfriends looking for men. Most men highly value their alone time, and they need to know that they won't lose all of it if they're in a relationship with you. You don’t need a man to complete you, but you would welcome and enjoy the right man into your life. Just like you need to spend some time with your girlfriends, he also feels the need to relax with the guys, play some video games or drink a couple of beers.
Be a Happy Person
Women who are happy, exuberant, enthusiastic, and have a great attitude towards life are very attractive to men. It's like there's a light that shines from your eyes and your smile, and surrounds you in its halo of beauty. It depicts a mix of confidence, physical and emotional health, self-esteem, and loving your life. Men can't help but pick up on this vibration and get drawn in by it, and he'll be so intrigued by this vibrant gem that he's found that he won't be able to tear himself away. If you're not happy person right now, then it may be time to take a break from the search and work on improving your happiness, confidence levels, and self-esteem. The best way to start feeling good about yourself and your life simply involves doing things that you love, being healthy –physically and emotionally stable, and getting some accomplishments under your belt, even if they're relatively simple ones. If you can focus on being true to yourself, following your own interests without trying to be something different than what you are, then everything else will fall into place. Once you stop trying to go against your own true nature, you'll discover your own sense of self-worth, you'll feel more confident and happy, you'll be more excited about life, you'll be more loving, and you'll start to attract the same into your life. You'll be nothing less than irresistible to men.

Anthony Modungwo's article culled from Hubpages

Monday, 20 March 2017

How Often Should You Be Masturbating, Really?



Back in 2011, women around the world began buzzing about an erotic story from an amateur author that had them all hot and bothered. Six years, three books, and two movies later, the Fifty Shades phenomenon is still on fire. And while the erotic franchise has stirred up its fair share of controversy, the success of the series makes me giddy for one good reason: It's got women super stoked on sex.
We all know February's the month of romance, but whether you're partnered up or flying solo, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. And you deserve love, pleasure, and all the feel-good, toe-curling, mind-blowing benefits of a rockin' sex life, no matter what your status is. And while nourishing foods and relaxing activities are important ways to treat yourself well, true self-love includes sexual satisfaction too and sometimes that means masturbation.
If the word alone makes you cringe, it's time to check your attitude toward self-stimulation and educate yourself on the positive possibilities the practice holds for your overall well-being.

10 wonderful things orgasms do you for you

I see so many women let their sexuality fall by the wayside when they're not in a relationship. But ignoring this crucial piece of your being does a huge disservice to your mind and body and can actually be detrimental to your health. Don't believe me? As I go into detail in my book WomanCode, here's why you should channel your "inner sex goddess," and prioritize your orgasm:
  • Improved circulation. Orgasm boosts blood flow, which helps circulate vital nutrients and regulate your menstrual cycle. Studies show women who have intercourse at least once a week are more likely to menstruate normally than women who don't do the deed often or at all.
  • Regulated reproductive system: By energizing your hypothalamus gland, orgasm helps regulate everything from your appetite to your emotions, and the subsequent boost to your pituitary regulates reproductive hormones necessary for regular ovulation and adequate cervical fluid production.
  • Natural detoxification: Orgasms provide an overall lymphatic massage to your body, which improves your digestion and mood and flushes out toxins.
  • Healthy estrogen production: This keeps your vaginal tissues supple and helps protect your bones and heart.
  • Deep relaxation support: Virtually nothing makes you feel more at peace than the amped-up endorphins and cortisol flush you get from an orgasm.
  • Brain boost: Orgasm spikes your body's DHEA levels, which help keep your brain, skin, tissues, and immune system healthy.
  • Fountain of youth: Research has shown that sex three times a week in a stress-free relationship can make you look a decade younger.
  • Cold buster: Regular orgasms increase the amount of infection-fighting cells in your body by up to 20 percent.
  • Migraine cure: Orgasms kick your pain threshold up a notch, making it much easier to cope with life's aches and pains.
  • Sensitivity enhancement: Thanks to increased oxytocin, orgasm makes you more passionate, intuitive, and social.

What's the benefit of masturbation, specifically?

OK, so orgasms are essential! But you shouldn't have to rely on a partner to deliver the goods. And—this may blow your mind—you shouldn't rely on electronics either.
Some of you vibrator devotees may be shocked, but it's true: Battery-operated toys shorten one of the most important phases of your orgasm—the plateau phase, cheating you of some monumental benefits. Here's why: Your orgasm isn't just a one-dimensional shebang; it's made up of several important phases including arousal, plateau, climax, and resolution. The longer the plateau, the more nitric oxide and oxytocin you build up in your body, and as you already know, this is where the real hormone balancing payoff is. While your vibrator may send you straight to climax fast, it bypasses the beautiful benefits of a full orgasmic experience. Why cheat yourself of all that good stuff?
If the thought of abandoning your power tools leaves you anxious, trust me: You can get the big O on your own, and when you learn how to pleasure yourself manually, you'll be on your way to reaping all the big-time benefits.
As with every health issue, you have to start the healing with food: Regaining a good balance of progesterone, estrogen, and testosterone is crucial to achieving peak arousal. Healthy fats like nuts, avocados, and seeds, plus a good vitamin C supplement that contains bioflavonoids and ashwagandha will get you on your way.
Next, get hands on. There are five Cs to consider when you're just getting familiar with your body: center, circle, clitoris, climax, and calm. Set the mood and get centered with some relaxing music or mood lighting. Then spend 15 minutes circling the areas you'd normally go to for direct stimulation (nipples, areolae, and clitoris); instead, focus on your inner thighs, hips, abdomen, and upper chest. Then take the time to build your orgasmic sensation by stimulating your inner labia and areas around your clitoris with your hands, and when you're ready to climax, use your hands to get you there. When it's all said and done, take the time to feel the cortisol-flush-calm after you climax; this is called the resolution phase. Put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, breathe, and relax.

So, how much should I be masturbating to get the benefits?

Given all the juicy payoffs of a self-pleasure practice, my general rule of thumb is, "the more, the better!" The hormones produced during orgasm (oxytocin and nitric oxide) are different from sex hormones (estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone), and they're power players when it comes to maintaining hormonal balance, healing adrenal fatigue, and maintaining regular ovulation.
But if this whole self-pleasure thing is new to you, a few guidelines can help. First, I recommend setting a minimum for yourself of two 15- to 20-minute self-pleasure sessions a week and build from there. Then, consider cycle syncing your self-pleasure to capitalize on your body's natural endocrine ebbs and flows.
The best path to orgasm changes depending on which phase of your cycle you're in and what's happening with your hormones. Tracking your cycle will help you know the info that can lead you to better Os. A few take-away tips: Always, always, always use lube during your dry phases (menstrual and follicular). If your hormones are healthy, you shouldn't need extra lubrication during ovulation and luteal phases. These are also the times to really rely on your hand to get you to climax; if you just can't quit the vibrator, only introduce it during your follicular and menstrual phases, but always use it on the lightest setting over your panties. This will protect your delicate clitoral nerve endings from overstimulation, ensuring you maximize that amazing orgasmic plateau every time.
Happy self-loving!
This article is by Alisa Vitti culled from Mindbodygreen.

Is Cheating Ever OK? A Sex Therapist Explains



In my book, I define infidelity as the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
I use this definition for three very important reasons:
  1. It encompasses both online and real-world sexual activity. Thus, it is effective in the digital era.
  2. It encompasses sexual activities other than actual penis-in-vagina intercourse.
  3. It focuses on the loss of relationship trust rather than on specific sexual and/or romantic acts.
Based on both research and clinical experience, I can tell you that the third item on that list—the loss of relationship trust—is by far the most important facet of infidelity. Put simply, for a cheated-on partner it's not any specific sexual or romantic act that causes the most pain; instead, it's the lying, the secrets, and the newfound inability to believe anything the cheater says or does.
So is there ever a good reason to engage in infidelity? In my opinion, there is not.
This does not, however, mean that every relationship must be monogamous. In fact, many couples that I know, both personally and professionally, have perfectly happy relationships that are, in one way or another, nonmonogamous. That said, having a relationship that is not monogamous in the traditional "till death do us part" sense is not something one partner should ever force onto or keep secret from his or her significant other.
Instead, open relationships should be approached with integrity, with both partners having an equal say and mutually agreeing, without coercion of any kind, that certain activities are (or are not) acceptable within the bounds of their relationship.
There are many reasons for a couple to have some form of an open relationship, including but by no means limited to the following:
  • Both partners are tech-savvy and enjoy using things like digital pornography, webcam sex, sexting, and hookup apps, and neither wants to give these things up just because they're in a committed romantic relationship.
  • One partner has a much greater sex drive than the other, and they can mutually agree that satisfying this drive, within certain limits, is acceptable.
  • One partner consistently refuses to have sex or is reviled by the experience of sex and doesn't mind if the other partner seeks sex elsewhere.
  • A couple is separated for long periods of time thanks to career, family, or other commitments, and both still want to have an active in-person (rather than purely digital) sex life.
Any and all of the above are perfectly good reasons for having a nonmonogamous relationship. However, there is no excuse for doing this in secret. If two people truly love each other, and they are psychologically capable of having an honest, open-minded discussion about their sexual desires, that is the approach they should take.
Consider the case of Sam and Mary. In 2005, Mary was paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident. Afterward, she was unable to perform sexually. Plus, she lost all interest in sex. For Sam, this was a problem. Because they loved each other very much and had no interest in ending their marriage, they were able to mutually agree on certain sexual boundaries. For instance, Sam could watch and masturbate to porn, and if he truly felt the need for physical sexual contact he could hire an escort. He did not need to tell Mary about his use of porn or escorts, but he did need to be honest afterward if she asked him where he'd been or what he'd been doing. Twelve years later, they are still happily married.
My point here is that monogamy and traditional visions of marriage and fidelity are not absolutes in today's world. Many couples happily engage in all sorts of sextracurricular activity with the knowledge and consent of their primary partner. Sometimes these relationships are open from the start; other times life creates circumstances where sex outside a previously monogamous relationship makes sense.
As long as secrets aren't kept and lies aren't being told, such behavior does not qualify as cheating. As such, as stated above, it is my belief that there is never a good reason to betray a partner by engaging in infidelity.
This article is written by Robert Weiss culled from Mindbodygreen.

5 Powerful Shifts That'll Help You Manifest True Love



Love.
It's the one thing we're all seeking. From the youngest to the oldest among us, we're all looking to love and be loved—and often making the process a lot harder than it needs to be.
Unlike what you might read on the cover of the latest women's magazine, finding love doesn't necessarily require joining Tinder or changing up your wardrobe. It's about making powerful shifts in your mind and in your heart that will open you up to fully receive the love that you're seeking. And trust me, it's much easier than it sounds.
Here are my five favorite tips for opening yourself up to more love:

1. Forgive yourself.



Forgiveness is a spiritual practice, and an ongoing one. It is one of the most powerful and profound shifts we can make when working to attract anything—more love, more money, more success—into our lives. And so, forgiving yourself (for being single, for making mistakes in past relationships, for not finding love sooner) is the first powerful step in the process of opening yourself up to more love. Until this moment in your life, you have been doing the best that you knew how to do. Forgive yourself for not knowing more, for not understanding better—and feel yourself open up to greater possibility now that you do.

2. Know what you want.

This may seem like an obvious one, but it's important: Do you know the love you want to receive? One of the key aspects to manifesting anything in your life is to get clear on exactly what it is you want—and opening yourself up to more love is no different. It's not enough to just say, "I am open to it." What are you open to? What sort of love do you want to receive? What does it look like, sound like, feel like? Who are you when you receive that sort of love? Get clear on what you want, so the Universe knows exactly what to bring you.

3. Know why you want it.

Knowing your "why" is a common adage in business, with the point being that there should be a focused and strategic purpose behind the work that you're doing. I would argue that the same holds true when opening up to love, too. When you're clear about why you want what you want, you can ensure that it's coming from a healthy (and not fear-based place). You will also know very quickly once you've manifested the love you so desired—even if it came in a different form than you expected—because you'll recognize the purpose behind that desire.

4. Focus on positive feelings.

This may not come as a surprise to you—but focusing on the negative will only bring you more of the same. So instead of lamenting that you'll never find love or that so-and-so was a jerk who broke your heart or that "all men" or "all women" are XYZ, start focusing on the positive instead! More specifically, focus on the positive feelings that love brings into your life—and start living in those feelings now! If receiving love will make you feel happy, successful, or seen, then find ways to incorporate those feelings into your life on a regular basis. Once you start living those positive feelings, you'll start attracting more of them (and more love!) into your life.

5. Let go.

And now, let it go. It seems counterintuitive, I know, but trying to cling to and control an outcome leaves no room in the realm of what's possible for you. You have shifted your mindset, you have gotten clear on what you want—and you have let the Universe know about it! Now, your only job is to stay open to what's possible, to stay curious about the signs, and to proactively pursue the right opportunities, knowing that the love you're destined to receive is on its way to you.
This article is written by Dr Danielle Dowling culled from Mindbodygreen.

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

8 Love Lessons I'd Never Have Learned Without Getting Dumped (A Lot)







Breaking up sucks. It's painful. It's a heart-wrenching ordeal. It feels like the end of the world. The dreams of a shared future dissolve You forget which day of the week it is, whether you've eaten or not, and thoughts of going to work in the morning seem laughable. How do you recover from this?
Looking back on heartbreaks, I find myself wondering, "is there a way to turn this pain into something beautiful?" I think it's human nature to search for meaning in heartache. But that doesn't make it any less worthwhile. In fact, it's the only thing that allows us to heal from these wounds and move on. So, here are the most powerful lessons I've learned from heartbreak:

1. Don't start a relationship as an escape from loneliness. It will only result in deeper loneliness.

Finding connection is one of our primal human emotional needs. We crave the sense that we know someone else intimately, and that they intimately know us. For a long time, I didn't know the difference between loneliness and solitude. But now I've recognized that solitude is something we choose whereas loneliness is something we don't. I would start relationships in order to escape loneliness, but now I've learned to cherish my solitude.

2. If you don't trust someone completely, love is impossible.

Having major trust issues has made it difficult for me to open up in new relationships. I've always expected betrayal and kept my heart closed. But I know now that if we don't take the risk of trusting someone else, we'll never feel the true joy of intimate, full-hearted love.

3. Your relationship with yourself is the only one that lasts forever. Don't sacrifice that for a relationship with someone else.

There were moments when it was tricky to distinguish who I was outside of a relationship; I would lose my sense of self. The person you're with loves the person you are. You can't sacrifice that in an attempt to please them or fabricate intimacy. You have to be true to yourself before anyone else.

4. Unless something is obviously relevant to your present, keep the ex files in the past.

At the beginning of a relationship, it seems like a good idea to share about everything. But unless something from a past relationship is relevant to the relationship you're in now, there's no need to drag the ghosts of the past into this brand-new chapter.

5. The easiest way to ruin your life is to never take a risk.

My parents met each other sky-diving. They were fearless and passionate and bonkers. Taking risks? Yes, please. If they'd been too afraid to try it, they'd never have met over the breaking dawn in Finland. They followed their own passions to the edge of the earth and it opened up a whole new life for them.
Opening your heart is a huge risk. It makes you feel alive. It might end in tragedy, but, really, wouldn't it still be worth it?

6 Take everything one day at a time.

"Let's go to Patagonia, let's build a cottage in the mountains, let's have four kids." It's fun to imagine the future, but how many of the things we imagine actually pan out the way we planned?
Try not to plan for the decades to come. Don't make expectations for a future that you can't count on. Enjoy every moment. Let your relationship unfold before you, one day at a time, one step at a time.

7. Jealousy doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you.

More often than not, the root cause of jealousy is not disregard perpetrated by your partner. It is insecurity that lives inside you and rears its head whenever you're not being assured that you come first. It's important to be with someone that makes you feel special, but if you find yourself constantly jealous, you may want to explore what's feeding those feelings of insecurity you can't escape.

8. If you have to change to make someone want you, or change them to make them someone you want, it's never going to work.

It's hard enough to change ourselves, right? Whether we want to lose 10 pounds or learn a new language or stop cursing so much, these deeply ingrained habits take serious effort and commitment to change. You have to really want it. So, how well do you think it works to try to convince someone else that they need to change something about themselves that they were perfectly fine with before you came along? It doesn't work, and it breeds resentment. If you focus on becoming your best self, you'll attract someone who's doing the same thing. When you don't want to change them and they don't want to change you, that's how you know it might actually work.
Every setback, disappointment, and heartbreak we face can offer us lessons that help us move forward in a healthier way. Learning these lessons is key to uncovering true happiness. Look for the lesson in every loss, and you'll find yourself being grateful, even in grief.


This article is written by Lesya Li culled from Mindbodygreen.

Monday, 20 February 2017

How To Heal From An Abusive Relationship



recently received this email from a prospective client:
I was verbally abused in my marriage and want to do better this time around. I've done some healing and am now ready to find Mr. Right. I'm only interested in dating men who are serious and commitment-minded—not players or those who are just looking for a fling. How do I quickly screen the wrong men without being too judgmental and possibly overlooking the right ones? And how do I stop obsessing about whether he's the "one" on every date?
As I wrote my response to this woman, I realized how common her plight is. With that in mind, I wanted to share my advice for how to stop attracting partners who don't treat you well and, instead, to attract the ones who will cherish you with every fiber of their being. Here's what I said to Janet.
I'm sorry to hear about the verbal abuse you suffered during your marriage. It can be challenging to rebuild your self-worth and learn to trust men again. I'm glad to learn that you've done some healing and that you're open and ready to find your right-fit partner.
The problem is, if you're obsessed with finding the "one," you will bring a sense of anxiety and suspicion with you on every date. You'll have a wall up, as you evaluate each man and see if he's worthy of being Mr. Right. That could turn off the very man you're seeking.
After spending years with a man who treated you poorly, it's natural to distrust any man you meet. You're waiting for each guy to prove that he's another emotionally abusive man. I cannot overestimate the importance of this:
You attract what you believe. If you believe you'll meet emotionally abusive men, you will be a magnet for abusers.
The first step is to date yourself. In this step, you can work through past dating patterns and uncover your blind spots and limiting beliefs. Once you name those beliefs, you can work through them with powerful exercises like the one below. In this step, you also reclaim the parts of yourself that may have been lost in your marriage. You'll learn how to express yourself with men—powerfully, with ease and grace. You become the woman of value who can set clear boundaries and walk away from the wrong men with your head held high.
Once you heal from your past, you can date with an open heart. You'll let your guard down as you realize every man is not a clone of your ex-husband. As my client's new boyfriend once said to her, "I'm not the man who hurt you."

How to heal from Mr. Wrong:

1. Begin your healing process by letting go of negative beliefs about men and relationships.

Each time you have a negative thought about men, ask yourself, "Where does this belief come from? Where did it start? Why is this familiar to me?" For example, "I believe that men cheat." This came from my experience with my father cheating on my mother, my husband cheating on me, and my last boyfriend doing the same thing."

2. Ask yourself if your belief is really true.

Do you know without a doubt that this is true? Is it possible that it's not true of all men? Perhaps this has been true of only a few men. Once you realize that you've been blaming all men for the actions of a few, you can now say to yourself, "No, I don't know this to be 100 percent true of all men. In fact, I know several women who are happily married to wonderful men who have never cheated."

3. Create your new story—a new belief about men.

Turn that negative statement into a positive one. Example: "All men don't cheat. Only unfaithful men cheat. The man I'm looking for has good character and won't cheat. I'll look for signs of a man who tells the truth, whose actions and words align. I'll stop assuming that every man is a potential cheater and look for the good instead."

4. Repeat your new story as your mantra every day for a week.

Example: "There are good men." Or "I will attract a man who doesn't cheat."
You will begin to attract positive energy all around you. You'll soon see men through a more positive lens. And before you know it, you'll find a fabulous, faithful man.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

11 Reasons To Skip Your Workout And Have Sex Instead



"Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy." When Anais Nin wrote this in her book Delta of Venus, she might not have been thinking beyond the obvious benefits of love making. But can sex can transform our lives in way more ways than one? Will it affect our mental and physical health long-term? Could it even be used to treat some of our most bothersome ailments?
We asked some of our favorite health experts Dr. Jeffrey EglerDr. Amy Shah, and Dr. William Cole to share some of their knowledge, and what we discovered is that yes, there are way more reasons to have sex than we originally thought. Terrible news, right? In addition to the obvious upside, regular sexual activity can also:

1. Help you stay healthy all winter long

According to Dr. Egler, a family practice physician and Los Angeles medical director of Parsley Health, sex can stimulate the immune system. And various research studies back this up, showing that regular sex can help prevent the common cold and increase immunity.

2. Soothe your headaches

Sex releases oxytocin, which is a hormone in the brain that can act as an effective pain reliever. Plus, many headaches are caused by stress and tension–which can easily melt away with a little distraction.

3. Help you get a great night's sleep

If you are sleep-deprived, some time between the sheets may be just what you need. A study on British women showed that one in six say they sleep longer and deeper after sex.

4. Strengthen all types of muscles

Sex can also strengthen pelvic floor muscles, which may not sound like a big deal, but these muscles are important for preventing future incontinence and leakage. (Plus, they have been linked to better sex.)

5. Kick sugar your sugar addiction

Suffer from 9 p.m. candy cravings? It could be because you're stressed and having a hard time winding down from your hectic day. The good news is that sex is relaxing and it increases feel-good hormones in your brain and body, which can help fight off those sugar cravings.

6. Keep you healthy for life 

One of our other fabulous integrative medicine experts, Dr. Amy Shah, says that regular sexual activity can help prevent disease and keep us healthy as we age. According to Dr. Shah, regular ejaculations (21 or more ejaculations a month), has been linked to a decreased risk for prostate cancer.

7. Transform your mood 

Immediately following orgasm, the body releases oxytocin (also known as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone"), which–according to Dr. Egler—evokes feelings of elation, attachment, and wellness.

8. Burn some extra calories


Don't feel like going to the gym? Feel free to stay in bed. Some research suggests that sexual activity can qualify as a moderate workout. Plus, I think we can all agree that it beats 45 minutes on the treadmill.

9. Affect your heart—in more ways than one

Sex is deeply linked to our hearts and emotions, opening us up to love and intimacy with another person. And according to Dr. Shah, people who have sex regularly are also less likely to get heart disease, keeping us healthy in more ways than one.

10. Support healthy cortisol balance

Our functional medicine expert, Dr. William Cole, says the chemicals in our brain released during sex work to reduce cortisol—our major stress hormone—which plays a major role in adrenal fatigue

11. Balance your immune response

According to Dr. Cole, having sex (and falling in love) is one of the best ways to increase inflammation-fighting, immune-balancing T-cells.
There you have it, getting busy can do way more than just cultivate romance and make us feel connected to our partner—it can provide real, measurable benefits to our health and well-being. And so—knowing all these great benefits—the next time you get intimate, do so in honor of your health.
The article is by Gretchen Lidicker culled from Mindbodygreen.