Monday, 13 November 2017

This May Be One Of The Biggest Benefits To Marriage We've Ever Seen

Indeed, more than one in three people (37%) say that they started paying more attention to finances once they got married. What’s more, 30% said they started saving more money once they got married, and 10% say they started spending less money.
Of course, some of this could be that generally when you get married your household income rises — which could make it easier, for example, to save more. Data from the IRS found that taxpayers who are single claim that they have an annual adjusted gross income of about $35,000 per year, compared to married people who tend to claim between roughly $65,000 and $118,000 a year.
But that’s just one part of this. Indeed, a lot of this has to do with how marriage changes our views on money. For many, it’s the first time they really focus on things like saving to start a family or saving to retire together — so it spurs them to behave more responsibly with money, notes JJ Kinahan, the chief market strategist at TD Ameritrade.
Plus, you now have another person to answer to when it comes to how you deal with money. Indeed, three in 10 married people say that the single biggest financial benefit to getting married is having moral support and assistance keeping on track financially from another person.
Having that support and assistance is key for Bethesda, MD-based journalist Kimberly Palmer and her husband, who have been married 12 years. “He loves investing in the stock market, doing research on companies, and I am better at paying the bills, doing the day-to-day finances,” Palmer, a personal finance expert for NerdWallet, says of their financial differences. But they help each other to be better with investing and day-to-day bills, respectively, she says. Palmer’s husband for example, encourages her to put more into stocks. “I would prefer the money in a safe account, but he makes the case that we will miss out on potential growth. We talk through all of that.” And she makes sure bills are paid and keeps him on track with that. “It works,” she says.
Public relations professional Emily Yeap says marriage changed her financial habits as well. “There are three main things I do differently with money after being married,” Yeap, who has been married since 2009, says. She’s more cautious about splurging on wants like new shoes or bags, makes it a point to discuss big purchases she wants to make before she makes them, and pays more attention both to investing for retirement and saving for her child’s education. “I believe these behaviors changed first and foremost because I realize the decisions I make about money after marriage don’t just affect me, but my spouse and our child,” she says.
Of course, marriage doesn’t necessarily improve your financial situation. “Marriages survive and thrive when spouses are willing to adapt to the financial habits of the partners,” says Jean Marie Dillon, a certified financial planner at Freedom Financial CounselingMany couples don’t do this and their marriages may suffer as a result. Indeed, money fights are the No. 1 predictor of divorce.
And this shouldn’t make all you singles out there despair. You can focus on saving more and spending less without having a romantic partner (here are some great tips for singles) and you can enlist friends and family to help you stay financially on track.
Article by Catey Hill culled from Moneyish

This Is What To Do When Your Child Is Being Bullied By People They Consider Friends

Many parents live in fear of their child being targeted by the playground bully; stealing their lunch money, calling them names and generally making life at school difficult. 
But what if the person bullying your child isn’t an enemy, but someone they consider a friend? Someone they confide in, and come face-to-face with every day out of choice. 
Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum, said: “A recent study [by the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction centre] found 30% of youngsters have been bullied by friends. But many of the usual tactics to end bullying aren’t effective when it is happening between friends.” 
So for Anti-Bullying Week (13-17 November), HuffPost UK has spoken to four experts about what parents can do to support their child when faced with a bully who is supposedly a “friend” rather than a stranger.

1. Keep Your Cool 

Finding out that the very people you thought were closest to your child, are actually the ones upsetting them, can be distressing. But Chris Cloke, head of safeguarding in communities at NSPCC, says it is important not to let this cloud your judgement.
“However hard it is, try to stay calm and don’t jump to conclusions,” he advises. “If you react strongly you could worry your child further.”

2. Talk To Your Child About Being A Good Friend

Martha Evans, national coordinator at the Anti-Bullying Alliance, explains that a lot of bullying between friends is based on ‘false friendships’ where children manipulate the power the relationship gives them. And this can be hard for adults on the outside to identify.
“Talk to your child about what it is to be a good friend,” she advises.
“For example, a good friend is kind and makes you feel good about yourself. This will help to highlight where there may be false friendships,
“Some children are more likely to have false friendships, for example disabled children, it is especially important that disabled children understand what makes a good friend.” 

3. Establish The Difference Between Banter And Bullying

Part of your child understanding the role of a good friend, is knowing when the jokes in a group cross the line and become hurtful and manipulative.
“Banter is playful where both parties find it funny. Bullying is repetitive and hurtful,” Evans explains.
“It also involves a power imbalance. Tell your child that if someone constantly puts them down they are not a real friend.”

4. Do Not Ignore It

Freegard said: “Lots of conventional anti-bullying advice tells you to simply ignore the bully, but you can’t - and shouldn’t - do this between friends.
“Don’t laugh it off either. Bullying is nasty and destructive.”
Advise your child to call them out by asking if they are their friend (to which they will presumably say yes), and then explain that the way they are making them feel isn’t what friends should do.
“It will normally stop a bully in their tracks and make them consider their own actions,” says Freegard.
“If the bullying starts up again, remind them of the conversation.” 

. Encourage Them To Move Into New Circles

One of the hardest parts about being bullied by people who are supposed to be your friends is that you don’t have people at school to support you when you’re trying to avoid the perpetrator.
Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO at anti-bullying charity, Kidscape, explains: “BFFs (best friends forever) don’t always last and it can really hurt when friendships fail.
“It is important to encourage your child to have a wide circle of friends - both inside and outside of school so if things go wrong they have a safety net.”
Encourage your child to broaden their horizons, take extra curricular activities, or move offline if that is where their friends are targeting them. 
Freegard adds: “Encourage your child to develop their healthy friendships and move offline and into the real world.
“It’s harder to be negative face-to-face than online, as online you cannot always connect the consequences to your actions.”

6. Encourage Them To Speak To Parents

Of course, if the bullying is happening at school bring it to the attention of your child’s teacher and see what support systems they have in place. Most schools have mediation and robust anti-bullying policies.
Cloke added: “Your child may be afraid to ask for help if they are being bullied so make sure they know they can always talk to you or another trusted adult such as a teacher if they are worried or upset.”
Article by sophie Gallagher  culled from Family Time.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

These are the women who are most likely to cheat

Experts have revealed that women with a certain three qualities are most likely to cheat on their partners.
Women who describe themselves as “lonely” and “virile” are more likely to cheat … but if your Mrs. is a housewife she is even more likely to be a love rat, according to a new study.
A survey carried out by, the UK’s leading dating website for married people, studied over 10,000 profiles to find out which traits are most common among cheaters.
As many as 30 percent of the websites female users describe themselves as lonely, while 27 percent of the women described themselves as “virile.”
And 20 percent of the websites females are homemakers – making it the most common occupation among the website’s many cheaters.
And when it came to the men, tall, smart and rich guys came up trumps as the top cheaters.
The results show that men are likely to cheat because of lust, arrogance and their ego, while women may turn to cheating if they begin to feel neglected by their partner.
Another popular indicator is height because 40 percent of all males on the site are 6 feet or taller.
The site’s spokesperson, Christian Grant, explained: “Our results show that men have a tough time suppressing their ego.
“Tall, affluent, smart – these men have it all… or at least, they think they can have it all.
“They want to have their cake and eat it too, and that includes having as many relationships as they see fit.
“Not to mention, as a smart, wealthy and tall man, you’re more likely to be attracting female attention, whether you like it or not, which only serves to fuel their ego and make them consider an affair as a plausible option.”
“Women on the other hand, paint a different story “Women on the other hand, paint a different story altogether.
“Your typical cheating woman isn’t driven by arrogance, ego or lust, but by a sense of loneliness, thanks to a lack of satisfaction in her marriage.
“This loneliness is further compounded for housewives, who potentially spend hours alone, only to further be neglected when their husbands come home.”
We previously brought you a hilarious gallery of the worst swimsuit fails ever – and also proof that mums are the funniest members of the family… even if it’s not always intentional.
Article By Natalie Keegan, The Sun

How to Find a Balance Between Taking Care Of Your Kids and Career

When patsy and her husband Jones got married, he was a civil servant while she worked in a multinational company. Her job paid well, but was demanding. Sometimes she worked seven days in a week. She also had to travel at short notice, she did not mind because she loved traveling; besides she made extra money on these trips.
Jones made the bed most of the days, vacuumed the house every week, got the children to school every morning with good breakfast and picked them up, bought the groceries, helped the children with their homework, transported them to school and church activities, took clothes to the cleaners or used washing machine. He did the ironing as well. He stayed more with the kids than their mother. When they were ill, he was the one who sat by their bed, and nursed them back to health.
Then there came a time when it became a crisis, for she spends so much time earning money she found no time to be with her family. She found domestic chores dull and uninteresting. She found her principal satisfaction in just one thing- her career. She never had time for her children, and usually snapped at them when they asked questions because she was usually tired when she came back from work. They would show her some of their school work, but she would just shove them aside telling them she could not go through because she was tired.
As Patsy went higher in her career, she became more unavailable, but Jones did not complain. Things started to change after she rose to become a director in her company. She started to feel unsatisfied with the status of her husband, when she compared him with the company executives she met in course of her duty. She decided to divorce him and hire a housekeeper to look after the home and take care of her children.
When she informed the children of her plan, they told her that they would prefer to stay with their father even in a shank than to follow her to a palace. As far as they were concerned, she did not love them or care about their welfare. Though, she was richer, the children loved their father more. They reminded her how she had been too busy to care for them, play with them, or talk to them and their father had always been by their side.
Pain pierced her heart as she realized that though she had pursued a career and became successful, but she had missed the most important aspect of life, which was taking care of her children and showing them love.
Really, the reason for pursuing a career is both for financial stability and sense of achievement. But when your career becomes so fascinating that it interferes with the survival and comfort of your family, it is not an advantage but a serious disadvantage. You must develop the ability to plan your life and to include your family especially the children in your plan. This does not have to diminish your vocational goals. It only means that when you get to the top, your children will be with you.
You have worked hard to climb up the organizational chart of your company and you are proud of your accomplishments. You have dreams for the future and there are indications that within few years you would be where you want to be. But what is the joy if you get there alone? If you want your family to be with you on the successful climb, you have to create time for them.
No matter how busy you are, that is not enough reason for you to abandon your family. You must create time to nourish your relationship with your spouse and your children. Off days and annual leave are important times that can be spent to rest and make up for lost time with your spouse and children. Spend quality time with your family.
By quality time, I mean giving them your undivided attention. A woman pursuing a career must balance her time well so that she does not ignore her spouse or their children. Children love those who love them, and while it is natural for children to be more attached to their mother than to their father, if the children spend more time with their father than their mother, they would be more attached to him, as could be seen in the above story.
Spend time talking with the children about their school experiences. Spend time playing with them on weekends if you don’t have to go to work. When you sit on the floor, rolling a ball to your small boy, your attention is not focused on the ball but on your child. The important thing about this is the emotions that are created between you and your child. Your spending time with your family communicate that you care about them, that you enjoy being with them. Take a vacation with the family at least once a year.
You must make time for your family as you make time for lunch and dinner, because it is as essential to a happy home as meals are to your health. If you are a very busy person, it might be a bit difficult, but it is possible with careful planning. It does mean you might give up some individual activities. The sacrifice is worth it. The pleasure of living with family, who feel loved, and who knows that you have sacrificed for their comfort will be great.
Children need nurturing, and care. They are willing to give love, but they must equally receive love in return. While your career is important, you must never allow it to stand in the way of loving and raising your children. Do your children want to talk to you? Listen to them. A time is coming when they will be grown up and lives far away from home. A parent, who does not show the children genuine love and care, may be miserable later in life.

20 Things a Dating Single Mother Should Know

Dating is one thing, but dating as a single mom requires a new skill set. As a single mother, you may be looking for dating tips because you would like to enter the dating scene and find love, but dating after your divorce can be intimidating not only logistically, but also emotionally. You might have erected armor to protect you from the scary world full of people that seem designed to hurt you. How will the kids react? It’s an uncharted territory; you might ask if it’s right as a mother to date or even if you’ll have any good success with it and find a great man? But the only way love can get in is if you knock down those walls and expose your tender heart.
1. You are entitled to have a life
Being a single mother doesn’t mean that you’ve to devote your entire life to babysitting. Yes, there are certainly challenges when it comes to being a single mother. I still can't figure out why people assume that a single mother with kids shouldn't be happy. If your kids are young, just imagine how many years you'll be lonely before they leave home. You’ve all the right to go for a date and enjoy your life to the fullest. Don’t ever let such guilty feelings come in your mind that you’re doing anything wrong by going for a date, leaving your child at home. Looking for a date does not indicate that you are neglecting your kids. But you are still a woman with a heart that wants to love and feel loved.
2. Change your attitude
Most of the makeover you need is probably your attitude. You are sexy, caring, a great match and to snag your next spouse you need to feel good about yourself. Try getting a new wardrobe (or a few pieces) or starting a new workout routine. It can do wonders for your self-esteem
Is this really right for a single mother to date
When you're on a date, focus on your date by trying to know him better, your kids shouldn't be the main topic of conversation during your date. Take some time to find out about this new man; his interests, work, and hobbies. It's fine to talk about your kids, but keep it to a barest minimum.
3. Do your own thing
Don’t let a man become the center point of your universe because men are attracted to confident women. If you make a man your whole life, he’s going to lose interest because he will most likely feel overwhelmed. Don’t lose the things that are most important to you, remember, he fell in love with you because you had your own interests and passions and wanted to make him a part of your life, not her whole life. Work hard to keep your skin, hair, and nails looking good.
4. Don’t overindulge on a date
Don’t get drunk and show greed in eating your choice meal. Practice moderation. Be yourself and try to create a balance between the looks of a dutiful mother and a single mother in a search of love.
5. Some men are afraid of commitment
Even though it’s great to let a new guy know where you are in your life or about your dating goals, take the time to get to know him before you decide, if he is appropriate. Some men are afraid of commitment. Don’t rush the getting-to-know-each-other part.
6. Don't become intimate too soon
It's natural to feel like a teenager with raging hormones when you start dating again. If you want to show a man that you’re a good date, don’t hook up with him on the first date, the bedroom is not the best place to start a relationship. It will probably make him wonder if you would do the very same thing with any other man. Never rush to any conclusion on or take an important decision regarding your date hastily.
7. Take time to introduce your date to your kids
It's a good idea to keep your dates private until things start to get serious because children get uncomfortable when there's a parade of men taking their mom out. If the relationship has long-term possibilities, then taking it slow will give your kids time to adjust to the idea of your dating. There should be no such thing as sleeping in till the relationship gets serious. Doing otherwise can end up making your kids angry or jealous. When eventually you decide to take home, request your kids to behave well when you bring your date home for meeting them.
8. Don’t call or text him frequently
Want to know the fastest way to end your relationship? If you’re consistently calling, texting, emailing, and doing all the asking out, a man won’t appreciate you and might likely end the relationship. Let the communication be balanced. This is not to say that you can’t ever reach out to a man you’re dating, but let him do the asking out–at least in the early stages. If you’re both interested in each other, there will be a natural balance in the amount of communication.
9. Don’t assume you are exclusive
Some women feel they shouldn't date more than one person at a time. Dating more than one person allows you to compare and contrast and see who rises to the top. It also gives you the opportunity to date until you're ready to commit, without becoming completely absorbed by one person.
10. Date men with children if possible
Find out if he’s got children. Men without children lack a general understanding of how to handle children. Dating a single man with kid has its own advantages. Let your children mix among themselves. Try to notice whether he is showering the same love and affection on your son as he is doing on his own daughter. Try to notice whether he has formed an emotional attachment with your child and he is just pretending to be a great father just for getting you in his bed.
11. Date men with the same background
Find out if you were raised in similar household. If the two of you were raised in the same kind of background, it makes the relationship less difficult. This will reduce the number of potential clashes over parenting style. Find out whether or not you share the same spiritual background also. How can two walk together unless their beliefs system is the same?
12. Don’t date a selfish man
Don’t date a selfish man. Yes, dating as an adult sucks, and having a kid or kids around makes it that much more difficult. Children can be very demanding of time, energy and patience. A man who’s not empathic to this may disrupt the harmony of your home. As a single mom, there is a tremendous amount of pressure on you to provide for your children financially and emotionally, so if he understands, he’d accommodate things you have to do, such as going to the laundry, working out, or going to the grocery store and could offer you emotional and financial support. This will at least help you get to know the person.
13. Date a good man
Be sure he possesses good personality. In relationships, you may have been able to gauge a man’s feelings for you by how much time and energy he put into your relationship. A good man who should make you laugh, wipe your tears and keep you strong. Don’t date just for the sake of it and just to forget your traumatic past experiences. He should exhibit such attributes such as love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and emotional-control. Money is important, but is not everything. True happiness comes from attitude not money.
14. Use discretion
It’s important to give your relationship time to develop. When you're caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, you might not realize that all that cuddling and kissing isn't appropriate in front of a young audience. Try to find an appropriate time to be with your boyfriend. Like maybe when they are spending the weekend with their dad or are away on school activities. Don’t rush into moving in together or getting engaged. Instead, take it slow and focus on developing trust before you take your relationship to the next level.
15. Your kids should are your responsibility
Liking kids isn't the same as raising kids. Expect some resistance from your kids who will not be overjoyed when you first start dating. It is necessary to sit down with them and make them understand your situation in a proper and affectionate manner. Be considerate enough toward them and make sure that they are absolutely comfortable with your idea of dating again. Don't be tempted to have your new boyfriend take on any parenting roles until you’ve been with him for some time and understand him. It would be weird to have him pick your child up from school until he's a regular fixture in your life. And don't even think about having him discipline your children. He might have some strong ideas about how children should behave. If he has concerns about your kids’ behavior, talk with him about it privately. Your kids will resent it and may even end up holding a grudge against him. Don’t let him take precedence over your kids.
16. Visit dating sites
Many times it is hard to meet new people when you’re waiting for your same friends, co-workers, or churches to introduce you to singles they know. Use all the great technology and dating innovations now available to meet new people – online dating, meet-ups, social networking, and more. Make use of the internet, log into any dating site of your choice and chat if you can’t find a man around you to date. Then, invite someone who has given you the most amazing chatting time. Set up your date at a popular public place and not at your home.
17. Be security conscious at the early stage
Don’t forget to tell a friend or a neighbor where you have chosen for your date. Try to observe all the movements and behavior of your date all the time you’re with him. If you suspect something fishy about him, just leave the place as quickly as possible. Request your friends to make calls while you are on a date. The reason behind this arrangement is if, things are not going according to plan, then you can make certain excuses like you have something urgent to attend to. Don’t give away your home address and phone number until you can trust him. Once the person you want to date succeeds in winning your trust, you can disclose your phone number, but make your home address known only after you are sure that your security is assured.
18. It is possible for you to have successful dating
Single mothers can have successful dating; it is a matter of finding a good man and building a great relationship. Success and happiness go hand in hand. Success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting, what you got. But it’s necessary that you find out who you are and what you want out of your life. Find your inner goals and dreams and make a plan to go for them. Every human being has within him the power of changing the unpleasant into the pleasant, worry thoughts into confident thoughts, and despair into hope and ambition. Once this is done, you will not only become happier and fulfilled in your life, but you will also attract much better men who have a great personality and know what they want in their life too.
19. Schedule in Your Free Time
Always turn down invitations that are not convenient. You’ll need some notice so as to arrange how to take care of your kids. That's 48 hours or more because last-minute anything probably isn't realistic. But there is nothing worse than expect to honor invitations for a get-together you didn't even know about till a few hours to the time.
20. Get help when you can
Between single-handedly managing parenting, a career, and running a household, there's often not much room for leisure but one of your friends, babysitter or family member can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you could go for a date. Without help sometimes from family and friends, single moms are, for the most part, handling it all, from raising kids to running a household which can be very tasking. This will enable you somehow manage to squeeze in dates. But remember you can't just see how the night goes and stay out as long as you might want. People helping you have their own program so if you told them you'd be home by 11, make sure you’re home by 11.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

Women And Men Reveal The Biggest Lies They Ever Told Their Exes

1. “I lied about remembering his birthday. I would forget his birthday, over and over again. It would casually come up in conversation and he would be like, ‘You remember when my birthday is, right?’ and I would just nod along, like ‘Uh, yeah, of course.’ He eventually realized I had no idea. I could never remember it for some reason.” ― Kara D. 
2. I pretended to be into his hobbies. I’m glad I don’t have to be overly enthusiastic anymore.” ― Natalya J. 
3. “My ex came over to see me in Africa from Europe for a friend’s wedding. We were going to spend the week together. I told her I had taken care of the accommodations when I didn’t. That little white lie ― more than little, to be honest ― ruined my relationship. I essentially left her with the bill and it’s one of my biggest regrets. I was broke at the time but I really wanted to see her, I should of came clean.” ― Kwaku G
.4. “The biggest lie I ever told my ex was that the sex was satisfying. The truth was, we spent years working to make things more exciting sexually but ultimately, we lacked any chemistry ― something that’s just not possible to create from scratch.” ― Nicole L.  
5. “There was a point in our relationship when the chemistry between us was starting to fade. He asked me if there was anything that he could do to bring back my feelings for him. I lied and told him that I was OK and that there was nothing he should worry about. A few weeks later, I walked away from his life without giving him the proper closure he deserved. I got scared that I would feel stuck if I stayed with him and I thought it would hurt less if I left quietly. I was wrong.” ― Angelo C. 
6. “While away on a beach vacation, I received text after text from my boyfriend. I liked the guy but I also wanted to relax and take in my amazing surroundings. So, I decided not to respond. Later that night, we spoke on the phone (I used an actual payphone and calling card to get in touch). He asked if I had received his texts. I told him I hadn’t, that the phone was clearly not working. He gave up on texting, I called when it worked for me and I enjoyed a peaceful (text-free) holiday with my friends.” ― Shannon Day, author of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! 
7.“I’d say the biggest lie I told an ex was that I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship when I didn’t want that. Eventually, a life coach told me, ‘I don’t care what kind of agreement you have in a relationship, I just care you respect the agreement.’ Now I’m clear, honest, and communicate what I need and want throughout the relationship.” ― Bryan K.
8. “The lie I told my husband was that I didn’t want a separation. I kept telling myself things would get better, but it was obvious they weren’t. I chose not to see the reality but to look for the fantasy. I suppose the first lie I told was to myself.” ― Patty Blue Hayes, author and life coach 
9. “The biggest lie I’ve told in relationship is that I was all in and completely committed to it while I slowly withdrew and became a thin wisp of myself. I think this is the biggest lie we can tell, because it is a full-bodied lie that we are not only telling the other but we are telling ourselves.” ― Amy Segreti, writer at Live All Of You
10. “I’ve always tried really hard not to lie to boyfriends but one lie that I used to resort back to with this one ex had to do with music. Whenever I told him that I liked a weird hipster band he showed me, I was for sure lying. I just wanted him to think I was cool and alternative like him!” ― Alexia LaFata, a senior editor at Elite Daily 

By Brittany Wong culled from Huffpost.

Love Bombing Is The Newest Dangerous Dating Trend

Have you started dating someone who has lavished you with attention and then things have quickly soured? Chances are you could have been a victim of “love bombing.”
First we had ghosting and then benching, but this brutal new dating trend is yet another obstacle that single people have to deal with and it could be the most manipulative tactic yet.
Love bombing is a seductive tactic, where a manipulative person tries to control another individual with “bombs,” brimming from day one.
According to psychiatrist Dale Archer, typically it will occur in whirlwind romances where one partner will try to influence a person with affection, attention, presents, and promises about the future.
Things progress quickly and the rush of a new romance can often be powerful for victims, pushing aside any feelings of doubt and causing high levels of infatuation.
This leaves little room for the victim to assess if they are being manipulated or to see if the other person is genuine – particularly if contact is fairly constant, either over calls or through texts.
The move sees victims become co-dependent on the predator, who is often a narcissist or sociopath.
The “honeymoon” feeling doesn’t last and as soon as victims show a small hint of not caring or prioritizing their partner, the predator will often reveal their true colors.
Archer wrote in Psychology Today: “If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it’s probably not love bombing.”
“On the other hand, if there’s an abrupt shift in the type of attention, from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands, that’s a red flag.”
“The important thing to remember about love bombing is that it is psychological partner abuse, period. When one person intentionally manipulates and exploits another’s weakness or insecurity, there’s no other word for it.”
Archer advised that healthy relationships build slowly and couples should maintain healthy friendships and relationships with friends and family throughout.
Joe Pierre, a psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences professor at UCLA, wrote in Psychology Today about why people can fall for a love bombing abuser.
He explained that narcissists can seem attractive due to high levels of confidence, ambition and self-sufficiency.
Pierre wrote: “When it comes to mate selection, the more adaptive aspects of narcissism are often seen as desirable characteristics.”
“The thing is, narcissism is a complicated construct that includes aspects that can be alternatively adaptive (such as self-sufficiency, individualism, self-regard, confidence, a desire to lead, and ambition) and potentially destructive (such as arrogance, entitlement, vanity, lack of empathy, and a tendency towards interpersonal exploitation and manipulation), with these facets often co-existing in the same person.”
Article By Becky Pemberton, The Sun

Friday, 10 November 2017

How to Handle Being Cheated On

Being cheated on is one of the most heart-wrenching things a person can go through. Not only has your heart been trampled, but trust in your partner and sense of safety has also been decimated. It's common for feelings of pain and inadequacy to linger for years.
It's also confusing—many aren't sure what to do next. It can be overwhelming to know how to address the partner who betrayed you. We asked experts––a sexuality educator, a dating coach, and a therapist––and a few people who have either cheated or been cheated on to give their best advice about how to move forward. They cover what you should and should not do when the infidelity is discovered in order to keep your sanity and heal quicker.
Answers have been edited for length and clarity.


If you find out you've been cheated on, you should absolutely not destroy property, hurt anyone, or threaten to do either of those things. It's not worth it, and it's not going to bring you peace.
Is it ever possible to salvage the relationship after a cheating incident? Absolutely. People step outside the boundaries of relationships and that damages intimacy, but that looks different to everyone, and there's no single solution to conflict. It's about figuring out why this breach of trust happened, how to repair that breach and what the people in the relationship need to feel safe and loved.
I think the people who are best at dealing with infidelity are polyamorous people because they don't think there's a universal right answer on what everyone should expect or do in a relationship. What counts as cheating to poly people is based on whoever's in the relationship, not the rest of the world. They are more likely to navigate the relationship as individuals, not by trying to fit into roles. So if you're cheated on, I recommend More Than TwoEthical Slut and Poly Role Models as resources.


It can be easy to react in the moment. But try not to do the first thing your head and/or heart tells you to. Take a few minutes to sit down, breathe slowly, and collect yourself. From this place you will be able to think clearer about your next steps.
People shouldn't blame themselves, try to justify why their partner might have cheated, or beg their ex for answers (the answers are in the act of the cheating), or worse, say they'll take them back out of fear of losing them. Regardless of the situation, cheating is wrong. It's fine to want to be with someone else, but you have to go about that in an honest and respectful way.
Of course, it's hard to not take cheating personally, but the best possible way you can look at it is to see it as a clear exit out of something that wasn't right for you. Ask yourself honest questions like if red flags might have been ignored? Were things glossed over? If so, that is something you can work on as an individual to choose differently next time.


There were so many hard parts, but the feeling of betrayal was probably the worst. It absolutely killed my self-esteem. I almost felt as though I wasn't good enough. Our marriage was by no means perfect, but having the person you've committed yourself to decide that he'd rather turn to someone else, that hurt more that I can express.
Looking back on things, I think I would have made sure I had some definite proof. I had spent months listening to him tell me I was crazy, nothing was going on, they were just friends, etc. At times I even started to think he was right. It wasn't until he sent her flowers, and I caught him at her house that I knew I wasn't crazy. Although, believe it or not, he still insisted I was insane even after I found him at her house.
When I was going through everything, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get through it. Everything hurt so much, and I was so sad. A divorced family member, who went through something very similar, told me that she found the process oddly empowering, and at the time I couldn't even begin to understand what she meant. As it turns out, she was right. This was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through, but the process also taught me how strong I am. With the support from family and some really amazing friends (and a little help from a therapist), I am happier than I've ever been.
Infidelity is usually is a symptom of longstanding, deeper problems, and its discovery can be an opportunity for a couple to become more curious about what's not working in the relationship that led to acting out and betraying the other.
If both members of the couple are motivated to salvage their relationship, they would be well served to seek professional help. I'm a believer in a yours, mine, and ours approach; that is, three licensed mental health professionals. If not already in treatment, each partner would benefit from finding his or her own individual therapist, plus a couples therapist for the relationship. As a side note, many people aren't aware health insurance covers both individual and couples therapy, but it really does.
What I see nowadays is that infidelity usually gets discovered as a result of digital fingerprints in one form or another. It can be tempting from that point to embark on a campaign of digital surveillance, but it's not usually productive. It tends to only reinforce mistrust, when the task facing the couple is to rebuild trust. This comes from real, honest, in-person communication that's not mediated by technology. When a couple has trouble communicating productively like this, that's where psychotherapy becomes essential. The challenge is to learn to put feelings into words rather than actions, especially destructive actions like cheating.


I cheated on my first boyfriend with my second. My first girlfriend cheated on her partner with me for four months. Once they broke up and we were exclusive, she cheated on me for the length of our relationship.
Make sure you have someone you can go vent to. You're going to be feeling a lot of things, and you need to get them out. Just choose this person carefully—preferably someone who knows your partner but is your friend and is guaranteed to have your back. I'm not saying you can never patch things up with someone who cheats, but that's a very personal decision and not one to be taken lightly.
Also, know it is not your fault. Sometimes people cheat because they aren't getting something emotionally or physically from the relationship. Sometimes they cheat because they don't fundamentally understand the concept of monogamy. Sometimes they cheat because they're an asshole. Regardless of what the reason is, it is not yourfault. And don't let them spin it as such, saying you weren't giving XYZ. You're a cool person (I'm assuming). You deserve better.


Take some time to step away from them, release any of the immediate feelings of sadness or anger with someone close to you. If those friends or family aren't around, call them, FaceTime them, or search for the most accessible hotline, or therapy center for help. A lot of people tend to make poor decisions when finding out devastating news like this and I think it's really important to remember that cooler heads always prevail. Of course, that is easier said than done.
Promptly ending your lease, separating in a civil matter, and never talking to that asshole is probably the best idea. Rash decisions involving screaming matches, property damage, or alcohol abuse are not good moves. All you need to do is sit back and work on how you are going to focus your new life of freedom and liberation toward a positive direction. The universe works in mysterious ways.
The things that have helped me the most through situations like this are the support of my friends and family and making new connections that inspire hope for the future. Join a class. Start a new hobby. A new look has definitely helped me pick my sad ass up and move forward feeling a bit more confident despite my recent emotional injury.
Keep your head up, keep your standards high, and stay strong. People who want to value you and cherish you and be open and honest with you are out there waiting. Don't lose hope. And get a vibrator.
Article by Anna Goldfarb culled from Vice.