Wednesday 31 October 2012

Tips on How to Balance Motherhood and Your Career



Admittedly, motherhood is not a bed of roses, especially if you are a career woman. You can only have a nice fulfilling job, loving husband, great children, and a comfortable home, if you can get you priorities right. When patsy and her husband Jones got married, he was a civil servant while she worked in a multinational company. Her job paid well, but was demanding. Sometimes she worked seven days in a week. She also had to travel at short notice, she did not mind because she loved traveling; besides she made extra money on these trips.
          Jones made the bed most of the days, vacuumed the house every week, got the children to school every morning with good breakfast and picked them up, bought the groceries, helped the children with their homework, transported them to school and church activities, took clothes to the cleaners or used washing machine. He did the ironing as well. He stayed more with the kids than their mother. When they were ill, he was the one who sat by their bed, and nursed them back to health.
          Then there came a time when it became a crisis, for she spends so much time earning money she found no time to be with her family. She found domestic chores dull and uninteresting. She found her principal satisfaction in just one thing- her career. She never had time for her children, and usually snapped at them when they asked questions because she was usually tired when she came back from work. They would show her some of their school work, but she would just shove them aside telling them she could not go through because she was tired.
          As Patsy went higher in her career, she became more unavailable, but Jones did not complain. Things started to change after she rose to become a director in her company. She started to feel unsatisfied with the status of her husband, when she compared him with the company executives she met in course of her duty. She decided to divorce him and hire a housekeeper to look after the home and take care of her children.
          When she informed the children of her plan, they told her that they would prefer to stay with their father even in a shank than to follow her to a palace. As far as they were concerned, she did not love them or care about their welfare. Though, she was richer, the children loved their father more. They reminded her how she had been too busy to care for them, play with them, or talk to them and their father had always been by their side.
          Pain pierced her heart as she realized that though she had pursued a career and became successful, but she had missed the most important aspect of life, which was taking care of her children and showing them love. Set limits on work time. Know when, and how to say “no” gracefully – knowing your capacity more than anybody.  You just have to accept that you also need to take a break, or that you also have other priorities. Get organized so you can use your time and energy efficiently. It just makes everything easier. So spend time, even just a little time cleaning up your home and planning for your family.
Really, the reason for pursuing a career is both for financial stability and to have sense of achievement. But when your career becomes so fascinating that it interferes with the survival and comfort of your family, it is not an advantage but a serious disadvantage. Do what you are good at, and let others do the rest. Delegate some duties to subordinates. Asking for help helps a great deal. Stop worrying because things get done even if you’re not the one who had done them. Let others do their jobs.
 One problem is housework if housemaid is away. Neither parent has free time, so children usually are expected to do more around the house than they might be otherwise. Adolescent girls generally take this in good stride. But the adolescent boys, who are anxious to demonstrate their masculinity, sometimes resist complying. You must develop the ability to plan your life and to include your family especially the children in your plan. This does not have to diminish your vocational goals. It only means that when you get to the top, your children will be with you.
Another advice for the aspiring career woman who is a mother and at the time a wife is that you should get a job that complements, and not clash with your family life. Get a job you really love and enjoy. There is nothing worse than having a lousy job that leaves you drained at the end of the day and ill-prepared to face your family when you get home.
          Even beyond the consideration of the mother’s responsibilities to the children, there are the questions which have a bearing on a wife’s accepting employment. These other considerations center largely on the tensions that may develop between a couples as a result of wives competing with their husbands as wage earners.
          Ambrose and Patricia met at a fund-raising event for people living with HIV and AIDS. At the podium, he was handsome, charming and eloquent. He was a dazzling package. His speech had prompted the glitterati in attendance to be generous with their contribution and also had prompted Patricia to approach him afterward and introduced herself. Both of them belonged to different Non-Governmental Organizations that help people living with HIV and AIDS, even though both of them were negative. By end of the evening, they had made a dinner date.
          Within six months they were married, and for a year life couldn’t have been better. They both worked hard in pursuit of their careers, but they also played hard and loved hard. During those times, he had brought his self-confidence into their bed. It showed in the way he made love. He was a sensitive and generous partner, an ardent and considerate lover, and a supportive husband.
          Then the quarrels began, arising out of his resentment of her earning capacity, which exceeded his. She argued that it didn’t matter who made the most money that he had chosen a public service career, where emolument was poor. She was speaking the truth. He heard only rationalizations for his perceived failure. He feared he would never reach the level of achievement in his job that she would in hers.
          Over time his obsession with failure became a self-fulfilling prophesy. Simultaneously, Patricia’s star was rising. Her success continued to chip away at his pride. He sought to repair with women who regarded him as success he wanted desperately to be. Each time Patricia confronted him with his cheating he expressed deep remorse claiming affairs were nothing more than meaningless flings. But they were not meaningless to Patricia, who eventually threatened to leave him. Ambrose was unable to regain his self-confidence until the marriage crashed.
          You have worked hard to climb up the organizational chart of your company and you are proud of your accomplishments. You have dreams for the future and there are indications that within few years you would be where you want to be. But what is the joy if you get there alone? If you want your family to be with you on the successful climb, you have to create time for them.
No matter how busy you are, that is not enough reason for you to abandon your family.  You must create time to nourish your relationship with your spouse and your children. Off days and annual leave are important times that can be spent to rest and make up for lost time with your spouse and children. Spend quality time with your family. To be able to create time for your family, get and stay organized. Your time is precious. Engage in time management. You can’t afford to waste time looking for files, sorting through junk mail or even finding a pen. Keep available and clean and organized from the start. Have supplies available and in places where you know you can immediately put your hands on them.
By quality time, I mean giving them your undivided attention. A woman pursuing a career must balance her time well so that she does not ignore her spouse or their children. Children love those who love them, and while it is natural for children to be more attached to their mother than to their father, if the children spend more time with their father than their mother, they would be more attached to him, as could be seen in the above story.
Schedule a Mother’s day. This will be a day you can spend quality time with your family. You can work very hard other days in order to compensate for the day you will close early in order to have some good time with your family.
Spend time talking with the children about their school experiences. Spend time playing with them on weekends if you don’t have to go to work. When you sit on the floor, rolling a ball to your small boy, your attention is not focused on the ball but on your child. The important thing about this is the emotions that are created between you and your child. Your spending time with your family communicate that you care about them, that you enjoy being with them.  Take a vacation with the family at least once a year.
You must make time for your family as you make time for lunch and dinner, because it is as essential to a happy home as meals are to your health. If you are a very busy person, it might be a bit difficult, but it is possible with careful planning. It does mean you might give up some individual activities. The sacrifice is worth it. The pleasure of living with family, who feel loved, and who knows that you have sacrificed for their comfort will be great.
Children need nurturing, and care. Have a plan. Some career women use paper organizers and some use tech gadgets, but all of them use some sort of planner to balance their work life with their family life. Ideally, you should keep both personal and work appointments on the same calendar so you don’t overlook or double up. And while it doesn’t always work, you need to put aside hours for when you’re going to get your work done. If you just wait for it to happen, it never will. Of course, you’ll have to be flexible as your child-care provider will inevitably cancel, your child will get sick and your spouse may occasionally need to work late.
Stay focused, and don’t get sidetracked. One of the hardest things for work – at home mothers is sidetracked by children, laundry, dishes, etc. make a list each month of what you intend to get done. Then break the list down week by week, then day by day. If you stay focused, you can stay committed to getting these things done. When you are working try to be hundred percent focused on the job, and when you are at home, try your best to be hundred percent focused on your children and home. Sometimes, it is easy to get lost in, thoughts and doubts. During these times, try your best to use all your breath and sense to draw your awareness back to the present moment. After all, the past is behind you, and who knows what will happen in the future? This minute is the only time that counts. And if you make the most of it and every given moment, those brief periods of time will build into a meaningful future.
Your children are willing to give love, but they must equally receive love in return. While your career is important, you must never allow it to stand in the way of loving and raising your children. Do your children want to talk to you? Listen to them. A time is coming when they will be grown up and lives far away from home. A parent, who does not show the children genuine love and care, may be miserable later in life.
If you are in a personal business, where you are in charge of your own business, then you can work with you family, not against them. When your children are little, make sure your office is kid-proof. Get covers for your computer and child-safe drawers on your filing cabinet, and keep your paperwork out of reach if you don’t want your reports and invoices messed up. Some women set up a child’s office so that toys are available to keep their children busy. As your children get older, find ways to get them involved in your work. When they are old enough, let them stamp envelopes, find fliers or shred paper. Just never let them answer the phone.
If you are the type that does not like to rush out of the door without having had some quiet moments with your kids, then get up early so that you can spend some time with your children before you go out into the day’s activities. If you are the type that has to pick your children from school or drive them to after school activities, you might have to start work early in order to be able to make this possible. Break out of the 8-to-4 office or 9-to-5 office hours’ tradition. Your hours as a career woman might start before you family wakes up, continue during nap times and go on into the late hours of the night. Prioritize appointments that need be accomplished in person during traditional hours. But remember that e-mail, filing, reading, and a lot of your other office tasks can be done at any hour of the day or night.
As a busy woman, things like household chores and cooking are negotiable. Dishes sitting in the sink overnight, or having to eat out one or two nights in a week might not be a big deal. You have to realize that there are certain things you have to let go and you don’t have to kill yourself to be a perfectionist in all aspect of your life. It is not just a sustainable way to live when you are juggling so many things in family and work life. But in all situations, special attention must be given to your children and family.
Ask for help when you feel you need it. For example tell your husband you will appreciate it if he could watch the children while you go out to meet a client. It’s difficult to succeed without help, so communicate with your partner about how he can help you. You both need to remember you’re juggling two full-time jobs. Then tell your spouse how grateful you are for all his help. You can ask you in-laws, if they can baby-sit, the children, so that you can have a much needed date with your husband. In the office you should be able to hire an assistant, if the busy is yours, to whom you can delegate certain responsibilities, so that you can focus on taking care of the most important duties.
You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family, your business and your home. Just work it out in your calendar. Realize now that there will never be enough time in the day to get everything done. Oftentimes, mother gets her needs met last, which only perpetuates the cycle of exhaustion, frustration and chaos in the family, amidst all the chaos that must come with being a busy career woman, mother and wife. If you feel perpetually depleted because of sacrificing your needs for the needs of others, you will be unable to help your kids or do your job in a meaningful way. Maintain enough healthy balance to keep mind/body/soul at its best. How else are you going to be able to do all of the above, if you’re not healthy, able and ready? Remember you could wear yourself out, get sick, so relax, and recharge every now and then to be able to carry on. You must take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.
I certainly hope that the above listed tips would inspire you to enjoy your job and family more. Becoming a successful and happy career woman is difficult but possible. It on record that some women have achieved it, you can, too.



               

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Why Marriage Continue to Fail in Contemporary World



The rate at which marriages break up in this country in recent times has shown that it takes more than a signature in the register of a church and marriage registry to make a marriage. Evidence has also proved that the grandeur and splendor of a wedding celebration have no relationship with the stability of the marriage. And that divorce has been on the increase since wedding became an ego-boosting ceremony. Greater importance is attached to the delicacies to be served during wedding receptions than the solemn vows to live with each other until death separates them.
            Why most couples go to the church to lie deliberately to themselves and God by making false pledges in the presence of a pastor and invited guests is baffling. Whenever I hear couples repeating after the pastor: “I ……… take ……… to be my wedded wife/husband to have and to hold, this day forward for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.” I usually smile to myself, knowing fully well that the couple might be accomplishing a mere formality. It will be more realistic if the pledge is changed to: “For we stay, for worse we separate” because this is what is at the core of most people’s heart as they go for the marriage. Why then deceive ourselves with “till death do us part?”
            Even the absolute fidelity most couples pledge to each other on the wedding day is nothing but false. A day after the wedding, the men are back in the streets hunting girls like cats hunting for mice. I will like to mention here to the credit of the women that they are slower to become unfaithful to their husbands but once they start they rarely stop, which eventually leads to the breakage of many marriages.
            Most people marry without knowing their partners well and after the marriage has been contracted, they start asking themselves; “Have I not married the wrong person?” Some women marry men because of their wealth, regardless of their weaknesses, while some men would marry a girl because she is very beautiful or always well-dressed, all of them being blind to the unpleasant traits of their partners until they get married. It is then they start complaining when it is already late. I don’t see the present rate of divorce declining till our men and women begin to love their partners for what they are and not how much benefit they can derive from them.
            Some women are so desperate to hook the man of their dream that they don’t mind engaging in acts of blackmail, character assassination, fighting of any opponent, making charms and many other devilish acts forgetting that things artificial are known not to have a long life-span. Dear would-be wife, if you eventually get the man to marry you, can you keep him?
            The commonest shortcoming of married couples is deception. Deception cannot last forever, it will eventually become apparent and when it does, a crisis of confidence will ensue. “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer.” 1 Peter 3:10-12. Most partners are unwilling to acknowledge their mistakes and shortcomings. A frank and prompt apology does much to ensure the respect and devotion of the spouse than does any attempt to ignore an injustice or resort to deception. But most people, especially the males, regard it as a sign of weakness to apologize.
            Another thing that breaks many homes is giving birth to too many children without adequate income and plans on how to cater for them. Married life is practical, so courtship should involve a practical approach.

Why Marriage Continue to Fail in Contemporary World



The rate at which marriages break up in this country in recent times has shown that it takes more than a signature in the register of a church and marriage registry to make a marriage. Evidence has also proved that the grandeur and splendor of a wedding celebration have no relationship with the stability of the marriage. And that divorce has been on the increase since wedding became an ego-boosting ceremony. Greater importance is attached to the delicacies to be served during wedding receptions than the solemn vows to live with each other until death separates them.
            Why most couples go to the church to lie deliberately to themselves and God by making false pledges in the presence of a pastor and invited guests is baffling. Whenever I hear couples repeating after the pastor: “I ……… take ……… to be my wedded wife/husband to have and to hold, this day forward for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.” I usually smile to myself, knowing fully well that the couple might be accomplishing a mere formality. It will be more realistic if the pledge is changed to: “For we stay, for worse we separate” because this is what is at the core of most people’s heart as they go for the marriage. Why then deceive ourselves with “till death do us part?”
            Even the absolute fidelity most couples pledge to each other on the wedding day is nothing but false. A day after the wedding, the men are back in the streets hunting girls like cats hunting for mice. I will like to mention here to the credit of the women that they are slower to become unfaithful to their husbands but once they start they rarely stop, which eventually leads to the breakage of many marriages.
            Most people marry without knowing their partners well and after the marriage has been contracted, they start asking themselves; “Have I not married the wrong person?” Some women marry men because of their wealth, regardless of their weaknesses, while some men would marry a girl because she is very beautiful or always well-dressed, all of them being blind to the unpleasant traits of their partners until they get married. It is then they start complaining when it is already late. I don’t see the present rate of divorce declining till our men and women begin to love their partners for what they are and not how much benefit they can derive from them.
            Some women are so desperate to hook the man of their dream that they don’t mind engaging in acts of blackmail, character assassination, fighting of any opponent, making charms and many other devilish acts forgetting that things artificial are known not to have a long life-span. Dear would-be wife, if you eventually get the man to marry you, can you keep him?
            The commonest shortcoming of married couples is deception. Deception cannot last forever, it will eventually become apparent and when it does, a crisis of confidence will ensue. “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer.” 1 Peter 3:10-12. Most partners are unwilling to acknowledge their mistakes and shortcomings. A frank and prompt apology does much to ensure the respect and devotion of the spouse than does any attempt to ignore an injustice or resort to deception. But most people, especially the males, regard it as a sign of weakness to apologize.
            Another thing that breaks many homes is giving birth to too many children without adequate income and plans on how to cater for them. Married life is practical, so courtship should involve a practical approach.

How to Carefully Choose Your Life Partner



The three most important events in a person’s life are the day he is born, the day he marries and the day he dies. Of these, he has no control over the first and the last. He can exercise considerable control over the day he marries and who he marries.
            A woman once told me, “I was married and I have a baby girl. The marriage did not work out. We were incompatible and that is why it didn’t work. It lasted only three months and before then I was already pregnant.” It is obvious that the young man and woman have no reason to have married in the first place if they took time to know themselves well before rushing into marriage. If they loved each other for what they were, the marriage would have survived, no matter how many mistakes they made along the way. Marriage needs full-scale commitment. Sensible people don’t just jump into it without first fine-tuning the details.
            She must have married him because he appeared manly, was physically strong, and had demonstrated that he was capable of meeting the world and earning a good living. He must have been a man of every girl’s idea of the perfect romantic hero. The man must have been attracted to her because she was pretty and dainty, and possessed those feminine charms which appeal to every young man. They got married for all the wrong reasons and couldn’t find enough good ones to stay married because a successful marriage needs more than physical appearance.
            For you to choose a life partner you must consider the following factors:
IDEAL AGE OF MARRIAGE
            There are several reasons why teenage marriages are undesirable. Financial security is not easily attended during the teens. Very young couple must either continue to live under the parent’s roof or struggle against such hardships as may cause them to regret venturing into marriage. Under ideal circumstances marriage should be practiced in an independent atmosphere.
            Several social researches have proved that the highest percentage of happy marriage result when the groom is not less than twenty-four and the bride not less than twenty-two years of age.
            Frequently, people talk of young man choosing a wife, but rarely talk of a young woman choosing a husband. In an ideal situation a young woman should have a say in determining who her husband should be. Marriage involves a mutual agreement, and unalloyed happiness depends as much on the wife as well as on the husband.
            Convention in our society requires that a young woman waits to be proposed. However, it is not imperative that she accept the first offer that she receives. A young woman’s way of life as well as her accomplishments, family background and culture will determine the number and the quality of proposals she receives. She cannot expect great attention from a young man of high ideals and from good family if she is know to be flirtatious.
PARENTS’ INVOLVEMENT
            Many young people resent their parents’ insistence on being consulted regarding the choice of who to marry. They fail to realize that their parents have a just reason for being concerned in the future of their children, and for realizing that matrimony is a serious business. Having the advantage of longer experience and broader perspective, parents desire to protect their children from the adverse consequences of rash decisions. However, it is absolutely wrong to force their children to marry individuals of their choice who their children have no affection for. This is very common in undeveloped countries of the world.
BACKGROUND
            The question sometime arises regarding the suitability of two people of widely different social, educational and cultural backgrounds. The similarity of background tends to simplify the adjustment to married life. The greatest cases for adjustments usual occur, where the wife has received better education than her husband. Such situation gives the husband, a sense of inferiority and deprives the wife of that satisfaction which would have come from her husband’s being able to revolve in the same social circle.
RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION
            Religious affiliation cannot be ignored when contemplating marriage. The common bond of religious faith makes for easier adjustments and provides assurance of continued harmony in the home. Membership of different religion is a serious threat to marital happiness except if properly discussed and agreement reached before marriage. This will permit the children to reared in harmony of one particular religion because religious injunctions virtually helps in the development of the personality.
CONCLUSION
            If you are having serious doubts about marrying postpone the marriage. You should be excited, happy and eager to spend the rest of your life with the partner of your choice. Nervousness is common at this time, but if you notice you have a negative attitude toward your fiancĂ©e/fiancĂ©, the wise decision is to wait. Even if the wedding invitations have been sent out, it is better to cancel than to enter marriage with the wrong person or at the wrong time. Do not try to compromise on the person you marry or you would have started on a long journey of pain and unhappiness

Saturday 6 October 2012

Excerpt of Betrayal of Trust



Itohan Dan Carlo knocked on the door of the Idemudias at Central Road in Benin City.  She was the first cousin of late Uyi Idemudia who died in a ghastly motor accident while she was in Italy.
          “Yes?  Who is there?  Osaro, please see who is at the door?” Mrs Idemudia said.
          “You’re welcome, aunty.  Mom, it’s aunty Itohan,” Osaro announced.
          Rita Idemudia came out of the kitchen cleaning her wet hands with a kitchen towel. “Itohan, what a surprise! When did you come into the country?”
          “I came in yesterday and was told of what happened.  That’s why I decided to see you and express my heartfelt condolence,” Itohan said glumly.
          “Thank you.  This is very considerate of you.”
          “How are you coping with taking care of the children and their education?” Itohan Don Carlo demanded.
          “My husband’s death had been a big blow to me and the children. Since his death we’ve been finding life very dificult. I have been managing to pay the school fees for the younger ones in primary and high schools, but Osaro who should have been studying medicine in the university has to sit at home. You know I’ve been a stay-at-home mother.”
          She looked a moment into space, thinking of her ex-husband.  It seemed so strange and sad to know he was gone, even when Uyi Idemudia had been so vital and alive.
          A search of Uyi Idemudia’s papers and records in Benin City and elsewhere turned up no money except the records of a single bank account containing twenty thousand naira.  If there was anything else, it was never discovered.
          “What a pity!  What is Osaro’s age now?”
          “She’ll be sixteen next month.  On the 15th of July, precisely,” Mrs Idemudia replied grimly.
          That was the right age for her purpose.  “I should be about to help you with Osaro’s education.”
          In high school Osaro gulped knowledge insatiably and proved something of a prodigy in science subjects.
          “Oh!  Thank you.  That’ll be a great relief.”
          “You know my husband Don Carlo is an Italian.  I’ll phone him tonight to get admission for Osaro in one of the good universities in Italy.  Once that is done, I shall ask Osaro to come over.”
          Rita Idemudia heart jumped with joy and hope.
          “Osaro come and hear this,” Rita Idemudia said heartily
          Osaro had felt her father’s death most. She was very close to him. And his death had aborted her ambition of being a medical doctor.  When Rita Idemudia looked into the children’s bedroom, Osaro was holed up in the room, as always since her father died.  When she saw her daughter sprawled on the bed, eyes closed, tears slipping down her cheeks, her jaw tightened, she felt depressed.
          “Stop crying; God has heard your cry and sent a helper.”
          Osaro reluctantly came out of her room, her eyes red with weeping.
          “Your aunty Itohan has promised to help sponsor your education in Italy.”
          “I’m not going.”
          “You’re not going?” Rita Idemudia yelled. “Have you gone mad?  You’ve been crying since your friends resumed classes in University of Ibadan three months ago.  Now you’ve a golden opportunity of not only going to college but in Europe, and you’re turning it down.” Turning to Itohan, “Please don’t mind her.  I’ll talked sense into her head later.”
          “That’s all right.  I shall be going.  Sorry about what happened.  I shall visit you again before I travel back.”
          “Thank you for calling.  In fact, after I have talked to Osaro, I shall bring her to see you. She must apologize for this insubordination.”
          “You’re welcome any time.  Please have this ten thousand naira to buy something for the children.”
          “Thank you very much. God will bless you for thinking of coming to our aid.  My husband’s brothers sold his house and car and shared the money among them. They claimed I killed their brother because I wanted to inherit his properties.  I was given the water with which his corpse was washed to drink to prove my innocence.”
          “When my father condemned the action, one of the younger brothers replied, ‘What do you mean we’re not being fair? She did everything in her power to keep him from us, and he’s dead and she isn’t, and that drives me completely crazy. From what I learned, she told him he should learn to live with her and without us or learn to live with us and without her. And our brother decided to live with her and without us. She is a bad woman.’ My shook his head in lamentation.”
          In African it was believed that any woman who killed her husband supernaturally when she drank the water used to wash his corpse she would die shortly afterward.
          “That was very unfortunate,” Itohan said, “some of our culture is bizarre.”
          Idemudia’s extended family evicted his family and sold his house; accusing his wife of being the cause of his death through witchery. His car was sold for less than its real worth and they pocketed all the money.  Rita Idemudia and her five children were only allowed to take away their clothes and other personal possessions.  It was the money sympathizers gave her that she used to rent two rooms that they now occupied.       
          Itohan Don Carlo was the biggest human trafficker from Nigeria, the brutal Madam, who beats up young girls and made them whores in Italy.